08 | I'm pregnant!

The first week of work has finally passed, and the weekend is here, which means I can finally sleep in.

They call it vacation, but then they load you with a ton of work, you have to work because you're unlucky, you risk losing a lung after ten meters of walking due to the heat, and you dream of the sea because your parents prefer the mountains. And anyway, I'd stay whiter than a mozzarella. Long live albinism.

When I wake up, I notice it's only ten in the morning. Too early by my standards, but I was woken up by some screams, which I hope are my mom's, because if they were my dad's, they'd have had to lock his balls in a drawer to scream like that, and I hope for his sake that's not the case.

I get out of bed and put on my panda slippers, which look a bit like those giant silicone phone covers, and start heading down to the kitchen.

Unfortunately, there's a sock on one of the steps that I don't notice in time, and I slip on it and start falling down the stairs, rolling.

And then when I say I'm cursed, people tell me it's all in my head and that everyone is a bit unlucky sometimes.

Unlucky my ass, I need to call a real exorcist to drive away the bad luck. Otherwise, my head will spin three hundred sixty degrees.

As soon as I reach the bottom of the stairs, my parents look at me, astonished.

I smile and wave my hand in the air to greet them. "Good morning, folks."

I get back on my feet and go to sit in my usual chair, the one no one else can sit in except me. Like my usual spot on the couch.

Yes, people often ask me if I'm Sheldon Cooper's sister from "The Big Bang Theory."

My parents are smiling, happy about something unknown to me.

"You're about to have a baby," says my mom. Then she realizes what she said and corrects herself. "I mean, I'm about to have a baby. You're about to have a little brother. Or a little sister."

I momentarily ignore what she said and decide to give her a heart attack. "And how do you know I'm about to have a baby?" I laugh to myself.

My dad's eyes widen. "What?" he asks, visibly shocked.

I decide to keep teasing them a bit longer.

Yes, and then they'll die of a heart attack.

"I'm pregnant!" I exclaim.

My mom is confused. "Aren't you a bit too young?"

"And aren't you a bit too old?" I retort.

My dad gives me a disapproving look. "Your mother is only forty. I'm forty-two. You're just eighteen."

My mom starts fidgeting in her chair. "Okay, no panic, we can move to the A****n for a year so no one will find us and there's no risk of meeting anyone we know, and then after you give birth, we'll tell everyone they're twins and they're mine, so you can continue your life peacefully."

I smile. "And what if I'm ready to become a mother?"

Both my parents go pale.

My dad speaks up. "You're eighteen and you just fell down the stairs. I can't imagine what you'd do with a baby in your arms. That poor child would be doomed."

At that point, I burst out laughing. "Relax, I'm not pregnant, I was just kidding."

They both sigh in relief.

"Back to the main topic," my mom starts, "I'm pregnant!" and claps her hands happily.

"OMG, so you want to traumatize another innocent creature," I say theatrically. I place a hand on my forehead and pretend to faint.

My dad gives me a light smack on the head. "Maybe we'll finally have an intelligent child."

"Ouch, that hurts!" I exclaim.

Then I think of something and turn to my mom. "But didn't you have your period a week ago?" I ask, confused.

Now my dad turns to her, confused as well. "Yes, dear, it's impossible."

My mom gives an innocent smile. "Oh, well, yes, I didn't have my period but a craving for sweets, so I said I had it to scare you and make you run to the supermarket to stock up. Sorry, love."

There's a few minutes of silence as I ponder.

I'm going to be an older sister. Me, who at eighteen makes things fall, is cursed with bad luck, and falls down the stairs, am about to become an older sister, a role model for the baby who will come.

As Mason would say in Teen Wolf: intense.

I'm already scared for when mom and dad will ask me to babysit in the afternoon while they're at work, I imagine they'll make me change diapers, feed the baby, and put it to sleep.

Oh God, what a nightmare. The first months will be all crying and screaming, especially at night. I can't handle it. I'll stick a pacifier in its mouth and that's it. Maybe with a little sleeping pill on top.

Then it hits me and I suddenly raise my head. "You didn't conceive the baby while I was in my room, did you?!"

I'm afraid of the answer. Very afraid.

"Oh no, no, don't worry," my dad says.

My mom smiles. "You were in the shower."

"And we knew you'd take a long time," my dad continues, who soon won't be only mine.

"And it had been a while since we'd, you know, engaged in certain activities, if you know what I mean," winks my mom.

I make a disgusted face. "Oh God! At least tell me you didn't do it on the couch."

My mom gives me a look. "What do you take us for? We conceived the baby in our bedroom!" she exclaims, clearly indignant.

My dad gives a knowing smile. "We did it on the couch last week when you went to sleep at Carly's. And we also did it in the shower. And in the-"

I immediately interrupt him. "And stop! This conversation ends here!"

I get up from my chair, ready to leave. "I'll set this house on fire. That's a promise!" I shake my fist in the air.

I start heading up the stairs to return to my room.

"We also did it on the kitchen table, if you're interested!" My mom's shouts reach me loud and clear.

I'll never bathe in this house again. And I'll never eat in the kitchen again. And I'll never sit on the couch again. Goodbye Sheldon Cooper spots.

I might as well move somewhere else. Maybe Carly's house. Her parents love me anyway.