What The Hell Am I Doing?

Sara

“Sara,” “Sara.” My name rang in my head like chimes of horror. I’d never been more terrified than I was at that moment. It was only a matter of seconds, but I could hear Gwen’s footsteps quickly accelerating upstairs. It was just like you’d imagine in your favorite horror films. The final moments before someone is either gutted, shot, or stabbed by the killer, except I wasn’t worried about a killer. In all honesty, I’d prefer that to the alternative – being caught in bed with Dame.

“Sara!” My mom’s voice echoed again and I answered, “Mom!’ and immediately I grabbed some clothes around me and barely had time to put on my underwear, before dashing to the door. There was a tiny voice reminding me that whatever happened, I could not let Gwen find Dame in my room tonight. Fighting over this wedding was already enough drama; I couldn’t let her know that this was mostly the reason why.

“Mom,” I said, rushing out of my bedroom door with my Christmas wool cardigan wrapped around me. 

When Gwen saw me, her eyes narrowed in suspicion, like she could tell that something was out of place. “What’s going on? Why do you have your cardigan on?” She asked and then hung her head in despair. “Oh, not this again.” She sighed and then shifted her gaze to me.

“Are you so opposed to this wedding that you would fake being sick just not to attend?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle when I heard those words. I could see why she would think that way. As a kid, I was quite fond of faking an illness to get out of any situations that I didn’t want to be in. So whether it was in gym class, some outdoor activities, or just doing some things at home, I’d often faked one illness or the other. 

Eventually, my mom found out what I was doing. I mean, I knew she always had her doubts, but she never had anything solid until that day, and since that day, I’d been living with it like a sickness.

“I’m not sick, Mom,” I said flatly, and her words slowly trailed off. Her face was edged with a pure look of confusion. “Then what’s this?”

I hesitated for a moment, but then I heaved a tired sigh and turned away from the door, “I’m not trying to sabotage your happiness, Mom. I just wish you had talked to me about it before you went ahead to make such a decision.”

For a moment, we both stood there silently, and then Gwen heaved a sigh and turned toward me, “I’m sorry,” she said, and I suddenly froze in place. Those words sounded foreign to me, borrowed, coming from my mother. I turned around slowly, with disbelief on my face, and met her gaze, but she didn’t flinch. Instead, she drew in a deep breath and took a step forward, “You’re right. I should have said something earlier, I should have told you, but I really like him and really want this to work,” she paused and shifted her gaze away. “I love him, Sara.

“I know you might not want to accept it, but your father has been gone a long time. I deserve some happiness too, sweetheart, don’t you think?”

Those words disarmed me as soon as I heard them. I guess in a way, I’d never really given my mother the chance to just see her as a woman. She’d stayed strong for so many years and taken care of the family business, and I grew accustomed to only seeing her in that way. I hated how shitty I felt now that I thought about it. I couldn’t pretend that this was not all shades of messy, but she was right, I had to extend her the liberty of wanting to feel loved again. God knows, I would want that as well.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t find the words, so I just stood there staring at her for what seemed like forever. She didn’t say anything either. Her eyes clung to me keenly, and then I heaved a tired sigh, “Fine, Mom, if you want to get married again, I’m not going to stop you. I’ll show up for the wedding, but I’m not okay with any of this. I’m only doing it for you.” I said, and without waiting, I turned and walked away.

Of course, I didn’t mean those words completely. This was still a shitty situation for me, but I was going to try and play along. But right now, I needed to do anything to get her away from my room. Luckily, Gwen didn’t hesitate; she turned and followed me downstairs to the kitchen.

“Do you mean that, Sara?” She paused and stared at me deeply.

“I am,” I said with a slight chuckle, which sounded even more fake than I thought it would be.

Mom’s brows flared, but she only heaved a sigh and grabbed a bottle of wine from the cellar. “I don’t know what’s going on, Sara, but if you really meant those words, then I really appreciate it. I want you to like Ben, and I want you at our wedding.” She said and patted my arm gently, then turned around and started moving upstairs. 

But suddenly, a loud thud in the backyard made her stop. 

“What was that?” She asked.

“What? I didn’t hear anything.” I said quickly. She hesitated for a moment, listening for any sounds, but when she didn’t hear anything, she turned and walked away. When she left the room, I could finally breathe. I knew that must have been Dame. Looks like he found a way out. I turned and peeped out the window, but I couldn’t find him anywhere, and I assumed he must have made it out.

But at that moment, there was another feeling that I couldn’t quite shake. Until now, I’d been sitting on the fence with my mother’s marriage, but now I’d just officially confirmed that I will be there. And there was still the issue of Dame. Everything was happening too fast, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing.