Chapter3- Feelings

Immediately I get to the company about to walk in, I stare down at my feet, not daring to look up. For the past four days, I have always stared down each time I am walking into the company. 

I won't look up or at anyone …. My shoulders slump.

I am too ashamed to be coming to the company. If I have my way, I will quit a long time ago, but I cannot do that, not when he won't allow me to.

I have gotten into numerous scandals that all the excitement and pride I felt the first day I came to this company vanished into thin air. All I feel now is disgust.

First, I was arrested with three grievous allegations levelled against me. Conspiracy, of attempted murder and embezzlement.

Heaven knows I did not do any of those. I am being accused wrongly. 

But who do I tell? How do I make them believe me? And besides, who could possibly believe me over him.  They will probably think he will not stand so low, but if only they know he can stand lower than that.

As I continued to walk in, someone greeted me, but I did not bother to raise my head. I just nodded and continued walking face down until I reached my office.

In this same office, I have walked in with my head and shoulders held high.  In this same office, I have walk-in with so much happiness and excitement.

The first day my ex-boss told me I will be moving to a new company to manage it, I was so Damn Happy. My head was dancing, I was literally soaring in the cloud without wings.

If only I had known that coming here would be nothing but traumatizing for me, I would not have agreed in the first place. But I guess it is already too late to regret. The deed has been done.

As I passed, most workers greeted me, but I was too ashamed to reply. I only nod my head, hoping they will see it.

When I got to my office, I dropped my bag and then headed for his, and I met his assistant coming out from there. I made to walk past him, but he calls me, halting my steps.

I lifted my face a bit and looked at him.” Is he in?” I ask, dodging my eyes away from his.

From my peripheral vision, I saw him smile and then reply,” No.”

“Oh,” 

I turn around to go back to my office, but he speaks before I could move.

“He is in the meeting with some board of directors. I think your presence is also needed. Why don't you come with me, I am headed there too.”

“Thank you. You can go on, and I will come shortly. I need to get something from my office, before.” I reply and watch him leave.

I breathe out the frustrated air before going to my office and I grab a book which I thought I might need there.

As I was nearing the Hall, I heard voices which were muffled. I can barely make out what they are saying.

I waited a bit at the door trying to gather the courage, but none seemed to be forthcoming. After stalling for a brief moment I decide to go in. 

Gently, I twisted the handle, push a bit backwards then walk in and close it back.

When I turned, all eyes were on me. I thought I close the door silently, but I was wrong, it attracted their attention which only hinted at one thing; I wasn't quiet enough as I thought I

 was.

I smile apologetically at them before my eyes run into the beast sitting at the head of the chair with him looking at me. His gaze was fixed on me.

The heat coming off from his intense gaze is burning me so excruciatingly that I find myself sweating in an air-conditioned room, so cold and coupled with the fact it's winter -A cold season and not because I am hot But because I am afraid.

 I am also super terrified.

I manage to force my legs to move, dragging myself out of the door to the table where an empty seat is. I sat down calmly, still trying to avoid looking at him even though I can feel his burning eyes still on me.

The meeting continues with me being mostly in my thoughts. I am barely aware of what they were saying and what is being discussed. 

I felt someone nudge me, it was a slight feather touch on my shoulder, but it is enough to pull me back to my presence driving away my mind from my earlier thoughts.

I turn and look at the person who seems to be one of the female employees working in the production department, or is it the IT department? I don't know, either of the two she must be in one.

As I look at her, she gestures with her head and I follow her direction. Looking forward, I saw everyone staring at me, including Benson. His gaze was fierce and deadly.

I look back to the girl aching my brows, she seems to understand because she passes a book to me, her jotter, I guess.

 I smile appreciatively at her, then quickly glance through the book before answering what they seek.

The meeting continues' this time, I manage to pay attention.

At a point, one of the board ask a question which was meant for him to answer but he didn't answer it instead, he looks at me then back at the man who ask the question and say,

“I think the manager is in a better position to answer that. Ask her.”

The board man nodded, then turned to me, “This month's income is too small compared to the product sold. The number of goods sold out ought to have generated much more money than what is in the company's account, why is it so?”

I bite my lips and then look down, not saying anything. I cannot seem to form any word.

“You are too quiet over the question, May. As the manager, you ought to know visually all the things going on and out of this company. Or…is someone embezzling the company's fund?”

“What! What are you saying?” I scream out. Is he accusing me of embezzling the company's fund? Oh, he once did, will he do it again? In front of all these people.

I look at him like he does know what he's doing.

He shrugs nonchalantly.” You are giving a hint of it.” He murmured.

There was a smirk on his lips as he looked back into my own eyes while I managed to stand his gaze. And I can feel all eyes on us, they were staring from him to me.

I bite hard on my lips and then courageously stand up.

“Firstly, there is no fund being embezzled. This company has only been operating for not up to two months. And each of us here knows that every new company suffers a great loss during the first six to twelve months of operation.” I pause, looking at their faces.

“It is always a crucial period as they struggle to survive amidst other already existing ones which have got a position and stand in the society. 

It is at that point that the new company tries to introduce itself to the community, and works its ways to ingrain into the hearts and minds of the societies, Especially the buyers of its product.” I added.

“Forty per cent of this month's income was spent in advertising, and the other sixty per cent was spent in buying materials used in the production of goods and other useful things needed to make the company boom.”

After I was done I look into their faces expecting more questions, but none came, so I sit down glad they did not throw more questions at me. 

And the meeting proceeds as they talk about how to move the company forward.

An hour or more later, the meeting came to an end, with everyone leaving the hall except me. I was given a file to work on, which he expects me to bring to him within the next thirty minutes.

I sat in the hall alone working on it. After I am finished, I stand up and talk to his office.

I knocked twice but no answer, so I cracked open the door and entered. 

There he was, sitting on his table, his trouser dangling on his ankle, his two legs firmly on the floor widely spread, while a blonde girl was kneeling naked between them as her mouth bubbles up and down around his shaft.

His hand massaged gently on her hair at the same time guiding her mouth deeper into his shaft, and a throaty moan escaped from his mouth.

I stood there, tears burning my eyes. Watching how gentle he was being with the girl, I could not help but be sad.

My heart clenches, hardening painfully as I watch them. The way he is letting the girl suckle him without pulling or choking her with his penis. 

He is all gentle and caring towards her, but not to me. If I am the one blowing him he will be pulling my head, forcing my mouth to swallow all his shaft, cutting off my breath and even choking me almost to death. 

Most times he will smack me and even squeeze my breast too hard. But he isn't doing any of those to her. He is all gentle.

As I stand there watching them, the more my heart clenches, clasping together in pain. I feel tortured and angry. I feel pain.

And then there is this anger I am feeling. The anger that I am not the one kneeling before him. That he is finding pleasure in another girl's hand, not mine.

That anger was surging deep inside of me, tearing my heart and creating excruciating pain on me. 

Those angry emotions make me wish to go there and drag the girl away. The feeling I have come to realize isn't just anger, but Jealousy.

I was jealous watching another girl pleasure him.

I was not supposed to, I know but I can't help it.

Likewise, I have no reason to be.

 He had brought nothing but pain to me, torture, humiliation, and agony. 

There's no reason I should be getting jealous, seeing him with another girl.

I stood there contemplating whether to go back with the file or drop it for him before leaving. I finally decided to keep it before leaving.

After my decision is made, I lift my eyes to find him staring at me while gently squeezing the blonde's breast.

He frowns at me, and I frown back. I am too annoyed to avoid his eyes boring holes into mine. 

I scoff before trotting forward to him, I drop the file on the table and then turn back to head out when his voice halted me.

“You do not have my permission to leave.” I seethe, boiling in rage.

The blonde lifted her head and smirked at me before going for a kiss. And he kisses her, rolling his tongue in hers.

My frown depends as my eyes begin to water. I cannot hold it in anymore. Not wanting to cry in front of him, I ran out.

Running until I get to my office. 

There I sat on the chair crying my eyes out.

Even while in my office, I couldn't control my tears, it kept on flowing down like a river. I sob, wail. 

Whimpering. I cannot control myself.  The emotion is too much. It's pulling me down.

I hate him, no, I hate myself for being so weak, for being jealous, for having feelings for a man who maltreats me. That treats me like a slave.

I hate him, but I hate myself more.

I was still wailing, crying in my office when the door opened, and he stood there glaring at me.” I told you not to leave, May. Why did you disobey me?” He bellowed.

“Fuck you!” I yell boldly back at him. Even though I know he will punish me, I am careless. I am too blinded by my anger and pain to care.

Hearing that, he takes a quick stride toward me.

I grasp tightly to the chair, holding my breath while expecting what will happen next once he reaches me.

He rounded the table, grab my shoulders yanked me off the chair and stared furiously at me 

“What. Did. You. Say. To. Me?”

“I … I" before I could finish my sentence he pushed me so hard that I began to fall, but as I was about to hit the floor a hand grabbed me pulling me up.