ONE

   ELLEN

 One month later...

   I gripped the edge of the toilet and emptied my stomach into it for the fifth time this morning. Lily stood by the door. Her arms folded across her chest, and she looked at me with pity. It's been a month since I was stupid enough to have sex with a total stranger without even getting his name. I kept reproaching myself for how foolish I had been that night, acting impulsively and letting his handsome face and sexy body lure me to bed. It was not something I did and not the kind of fun I had anticipated that night, I wasn't looking to get laid, and sex wasn't even something that freaked me out. But he had touched me in many ways, arousing feelings I never knew were there; while I had only been a whore to him, the thought of it hurt badly. 

   His misunderstanding still rankled, but what got me most was this constant throwing up of mine for a few days now, I kept telling myself that I had eaten something that didn't agree with my body, and I believed it so much that I didn't want to think of anything else. I had hated the man after waking up to see that he was gone and had left a bundle of money as a payoff, and I hated myself more for making that mistake, for letting his charms deceive me. The money still sat in my locker, I was determined to find him and shove his money back in his damn face. I looked for him the next day but didn't find him, I had asked the bartender who he was, but the guy was being evasive with me, so I gave up. 

   But no matter how mad I am with him, he always stars in my wet dreams, and I didn't know if it was safe for me to say I miss him. It wasn't wholly his fault that we had sex. He didn't force me, I wanted it too, and I am sure I must have given off that vibe so well that he grabbed it. To me, he rocked my world, but the real rocking was yet to come unknown to me.

   "Are you alright?" Lily asked, moving into the bathroom and squatting beside me.

   "I'm fine, I just feel dizzy," I insisted.

   "Elle, don't you think you should see a doctor now? This is getting serious."

  I shook my head frantically before replying. The thought of the hospital alone made me want to puke. "I am fine, it's probably something I ate."

   Lily stared pointedly at me, biting her lower lip as if she was biting back something she wanted to say. I knew what she was thinking and the next thing she would say. The thought alone made me want to cry. I can't be pregnant, not now, I still have a lot of schoolwork to do. I knew it was a possibility, but I never, ever wanted to acknowledge it, I didn't want to believe it or even think of it.

    "These are the early signs of pregnancy, you know that, right?" Lily cocked an eyebrow at me.

I pushed past her toward our room. "I am not pregnant, Lily. Can you please stop talking about this already?"

    "If you are too shy or embarrassed to see a doctor, we can check it here, just to be sure." She took out a pregnancy test tube.

 I slid my arms into a jean jacket, ignoring her and what she had just brought out of her pocket. "I am going for lectures..."

   Before I could even complete my sentence, another wave of nausea hit me, and I rushed back into the toilet and threw up again. This time, it was all dry heaves, nothing was left inside of me. Lily came and rubbed my back and cleaned my mouth with a towel.

    "Are you going to try this?" she asked, shoving the tube to my face.

 I shot my eyes and tried to ignore what she was saying, but I knew she was right, I needed to know exactly what was going on with me. I should know whether or not I was pregnant, but I prayed the latter was the case. As I thought of it, it sent chills throughout my body. I couldn't be pregnant, I couldn't be carrying the baby of a stranger I had a one-night stand with, it was going to crumble my whole life. Where was I going to find him? If only he had given me a name, I would have looked him up, done my research, and pinned him down. The only thing I knew about him was that he was Italian and was involved in a family business with fractions worldwide. Those weren't enough information, and they won't put a face to the mystery that was that man. 

   I still needed to work, I needed to finish college, Kennedy was graduating high school, and he needed to prepare for college, mom needed her medications, all these required money, and I was the one to provide it. How was I going to make money if I was pregnant? What happens to this baby? What will I use to train him or her? What happens to my education? I should have thought of all these things before spreading my legs wide for a stranger.

          God, I can't be pregnant, please.

       But I had to know, and I had to do it now.

   A few minutes later, I sat on the edge of my bed, clutching the test tube, Lily seated beside me. I held the tube before me, but my eyes were closed. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want it to be true, my heart was racing, and I felt my hands quivering. When I couldn't take it anymore, I opened one eye and peeped at it. My worst fear came to reality. Double red lines glared clearly at me. There was no mistaking it or denying it.

     I was pregnant.

    My whole world crumbled.