MasukI gazed at him helplessly. Surely the words I'd blurted out yesterday at my parents' house hadn't come as a total surprise to him? "Maybe not my fault, exactly," I said at last. "But you can't tell me that if Mum had been given the choice, she'd have chosen me over Paul?" My voice cracked on his name. "If she could've picked which one of us should live...""Sam." I watched a muscle working in his jaw, saw new lines appearing on his brow as he squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "Oh sweetheart.""It's not your fault.""It certainly isn't yours." He shook his head slightly. "But I am to blame for a lot of this. I should've done something years ago. I've let things go on for far too long."I touched his arm, stricken by his anguished expression. "You did your best.""Hardly." His lips twisted. "I just kept hoping she'd...""Snap out of it?"I saw the beginnings of a grim smile. "Something like that. I kind of thought when the court case was settled things would start getting back to n
I gazed at him for a moment, dimly aware of a flare of headlights at the end of the cul-de-sac, the familiar chug of a diesel engine. "What if I don't want to hear them?"Shock zinged down my spine. I'd actually spoken those words aloud?"Then I won't say anything." To his credit, my father almost managed to conceal the heartache in his tone. Almost. "We don't have to talk. I'll just drive you to the airport. Make sure you get there safely. Sam..." He looked over his shoulder at the approaching cab. "I can't make things up to you. It'd be stupid to even try. But I do want you to know I never stopped caring. Never stopped loving you. Haven't always done a great job of showing you that, I know, but..." And then he swore under his breath.Another jolt of electricity rippled through me. I'd never heard him swear. "Oh God, I know that, Dad. I love you too."He turned back around, his eyes suspiciously bright. "You'll let me take you, then?"I hesitated. "But it's Paul's birthday today. Sur
Funny then, how the words 'it's not too late' kept whirling around my head.The next morning, sitting halfway up the stairs, I peered down through the gloom at my suitcase, parked neatly beside my overnight bag in the hallway. In the end, it had taken me less than half an hour to pack, just as I'd known it would. I'd be travelling light. A few pairs of jeans, an assortment of tops... Well, they were the only clothes I possessed, other than a certain red dress, of course. I'd always used to love clothes. Like Roxy, I used to make my own, but in recent years, I'd somehow got out of the habit of making anything nice for myself. Besides, I'd had no need of a more extensive wardrobe. I wasn't sure of the dress code at Maretti but if I was expected to be suited and booted then I'd just have to go shopping, wouldn't I? It might provide a means of bonding with my new colleagues.I winced at the thought, shifting slightly in an attempt to relieve the numbness in my left buttock. It occurred to
The thought slid into my head without warning, causing such a burst of pain beneath my ribcage my breath hitched. Biting my lip hard, I jumped down from the counter and marched back into the kitchen, tipping the remains of my tea into the sink before putting the mug into the washing up bowl and filling it with hot soapy water. I washed up the other mugs abandoned to the draining board after an earlier cup of coffee, then, feeling more resolute, I plucked up the box of Christmas trimmings from the sofa and carried it out into the shop."Hey, what d'you think you're doing? That's my job!"I glanced up to see Roxy standing by the door. She'd obviously only just returned because she was still wearing her black raincoat, along with a rather sodden-looking black velvet hat. "Not any more," I said brightly, forcing a smile. "Thought I might give you a hand for once. So come on, where is it?" I gave her an expectant look, my gaze having first travelled to her empty hands."Where's what?" She
Of course, by the time I got back to the shop, my adrenalin-fuelled euphoria had dissipated to guilt-ridden despair. Alice took one look at me as I stumbled through the door and was there in an instant, her arms around me. "No need to ask how that went," she said, before exclaiming, "Sam, you're soaked through!" then, "Oh my darling, don't!" as I promptly burst into tears. "Everything's going to be all right!""It isn't!" I wailed, letting her peel my coat from me, the tightness in my chest making it hard to breathe. "I've just made everything so much w-worse!"She pulled me close again, encouraging me to sob out the whole sorry tale, puncturing my account every now and again with muttered invective. And when at last I was done, she kissed my forehead and steered me towards the comfy chairs outside the changing rooms. "Sit," she insisted in a voice that would brook no argument. "Let's get you dried off a bit.""I'm okay," I croaked but she didn't seem to hear, already en route to the
Sam!" Dad's tone was sharper now. "That's enough!""You're damned right, that's enough!" I fired at him, finding a new focus for my anger, so long suppressed, I'd had no idea how potent it was. "I've had enough, that's for sure. How could you let her put us through this, Dad? As if it wasn't bad enough that Paul died in the first place, we have to relive it all, year after fucking year.""You don't think we should try to keep his memory alive?" my mother hissed. "You think we should just forget?""Forget?" I gave another gasp of mirthless laughter and waved around at the rows of photographs. "As if any of us could. Look at this place! All the pictures. It's a bloody shrine—a shrine to your precious Paul. Your perfect Paul.""He wasn't perfect, Sam. No one's saying—""You're saying I shouldn't have photos now?" Mum screamed, her turn to ignore my father. "You don't know what it's like, Sam, to lose a son. You have no idea!""I know what it's like to lose a brother!" I shot back, so hot







