Mag-log inTaking yet another glance at the clock on the kitchen wall, I drummed my fingers on the breakfast bar. This was torture. It'd be another twenty minutes before Drew came to collect me. Why had it only taken half an hour to get ready?
Of course, I knew why. Afraid I'd get held up at the shop at closing time, I'd set my alarm for stupid o'clock this morning so that I could spend an hour and a half in my tiny bathroom, bathing, shaving, trimming and plucking. Despite being absolutely certain nothing was going to happen, I still had this niggling feeling I should be, well... Prepared. Just in case. But nothing was going to happen. Although Drew and I had spoken by phone a couple of times since Sunday evening, neither one of us had alluded to doing anything other than drinking champagne and watching pay-per-view movies. Which suited me just fine. Besides, it was a good idea to pamper yourself once in a while, wasn't it? Especially on your birthday. So why the hell did I feel so nervous? I'd been alone with Drew countless times before, spent many a pleasant evening in his company. This would surely be no different, just a change of venue. "Oh, for God's sake..." I muttered, irritated by my own restlessness. And sliding off my stool, I strode purposefully into the living room, pausing to grimace at my reflection in the mirror above the fireplace. "Get a grip!" There wasn't anything to be nervous about. I even looked reasonably okay, I thought, offering up a thank you to the goddess of good hair days. My dark, shoulder-length waves were curling in the right direction for once, and that new mascara I'd bought had actually delivered on its promise to lengthen my lashes. And further bucking the trend, I'd managed to iron the collar on my favourite white shirt so that it fitted against my neck and wasn't trying to crawl off down my back like it usually did. No, so far as outward appearances went, not bad at all. The rest, well... The girl in the mirror grimaced back at me. For heaven's sake, Drew wasn't going to see the rest, so why worry? Everything was going to be fine. And for a moment, I was almost convinced—until the sound of a car pulling up outside made my heart skip a beat... Though that was nothing compared to what it did when I hurried to the window to discover it wasn't Drew. It was my parents, already climbing out of their Volvo estate, the street lamp illuminating the small gift-wrapped parcel in my mother's hand. "Oh shit!" I breathed, appalled by their spectacularly bad timing. When Mum had called me on Wednesday to say they'd returned home safely from their cruise, I'd decided to say nothing about the fact that I'd be staying in a hotel on the night of my birthday. Worse still, I hadn't said anything at all about going out with Drew. I'd meant to send Dad a text message saying I was meeting up with some friends in town so that he wouldn't feel the need to pop over. How could I have forgotten? Not much I could do about that now. But Drew wasn't due to arrive yet, not for another quarter of an hour. And already praying he'd be late, I hurried out to the hall. If he didn't turn up bang on time, there was still a chance Mum and Dad would be gone by the time he arrived. "Happy Birthday!" Mum said brightly the moment the door swung open, wearing that slightly odd half-smile I'd come to dread. I could still remember how she used to smile, her whole face crumpling with pleasure. It felt like light years ago now. "Ah." The smile, such as it was, faded abruptly as she took in my appearance. "You look... smart." That too seemed to be about as much of a compliment as she could pay me these days. "On your way out?" "Actually, yes," I said, feeling ridiculously guilty considering I wasn't lying. "I'm so sorry—I meant to let you know. And now you've come all the way over here..." By now, Dad had joined her on the doorstep, his smile rather warmer. "Doesn't matter," he said cheerfully. "We only came to bring your pressie. June—" He gave my mother a meaningful nudge. "Give her the present, then." "Oh." Looking flustered, she glanced down at the neatly-wrapped parcel she clutched against the lapel of her coat. "Happy birthday," she said again, holding it out to me. "It's just a little something we picked up in Barbados." "Thank you," I said automatically, at the same time wondering whether there was any way I could get out of opening the package in their presence. "You shouldn't have." You're our daughter," Mum snapped back at once, her tone so brittle I cringed. "Of course we should." I swallowed hard. Amazing—we'd arrived at a painfully awkward moment in record time. Maybe next year I should just cancel my birthday. "Do you want to come in a minute?" I mumbled helplessly. "It's chilly out here." In more ways than one. "Just for a moment, then," Dad said, his cheeriness noticeably forced now. "Don't want to hold you up." Defeated, I stepped to the side then followed them in, not bothering to check my watch again. It was a vain hope, anyway. Drew was never late.I gazed at him helplessly. Surely the words I'd blurted out yesterday at my parents' house hadn't come as a total surprise to him? "Maybe not my fault, exactly," I said at last. "But you can't tell me that if Mum had been given the choice, she'd have chosen me over Paul?" My voice cracked on his name. "If she could've picked which one of us should live...""Sam." I watched a muscle working in his jaw, saw new lines appearing on his brow as he squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "Oh sweetheart.""It's not your fault.""It certainly isn't yours." He shook his head slightly. "But I am to blame for a lot of this. I should've done something years ago. I've let things go on for far too long."I touched his arm, stricken by his anguished expression. "You did your best.""Hardly." His lips twisted. "I just kept hoping she'd...""Snap out of it?"I saw the beginnings of a grim smile. "Something like that. I kind of thought when the court case was settled things would start getting back to n
I gazed at him for a moment, dimly aware of a flare of headlights at the end of the cul-de-sac, the familiar chug of a diesel engine. "What if I don't want to hear them?"Shock zinged down my spine. I'd actually spoken those words aloud?"Then I won't say anything." To his credit, my father almost managed to conceal the heartache in his tone. Almost. "We don't have to talk. I'll just drive you to the airport. Make sure you get there safely. Sam..." He looked over his shoulder at the approaching cab. "I can't make things up to you. It'd be stupid to even try. But I do want you to know I never stopped caring. Never stopped loving you. Haven't always done a great job of showing you that, I know, but..." And then he swore under his breath.Another jolt of electricity rippled through me. I'd never heard him swear. "Oh God, I know that, Dad. I love you too."He turned back around, his eyes suspiciously bright. "You'll let me take you, then?"I hesitated. "But it's Paul's birthday today. Sur
Funny then, how the words 'it's not too late' kept whirling around my head.The next morning, sitting halfway up the stairs, I peered down through the gloom at my suitcase, parked neatly beside my overnight bag in the hallway. In the end, it had taken me less than half an hour to pack, just as I'd known it would. I'd be travelling light. A few pairs of jeans, an assortment of tops... Well, they were the only clothes I possessed, other than a certain red dress, of course. I'd always used to love clothes. Like Roxy, I used to make my own, but in recent years, I'd somehow got out of the habit of making anything nice for myself. Besides, I'd had no need of a more extensive wardrobe. I wasn't sure of the dress code at Maretti but if I was expected to be suited and booted then I'd just have to go shopping, wouldn't I? It might provide a means of bonding with my new colleagues.I winced at the thought, shifting slightly in an attempt to relieve the numbness in my left buttock. It occurred to
The thought slid into my head without warning, causing such a burst of pain beneath my ribcage my breath hitched. Biting my lip hard, I jumped down from the counter and marched back into the kitchen, tipping the remains of my tea into the sink before putting the mug into the washing up bowl and filling it with hot soapy water. I washed up the other mugs abandoned to the draining board after an earlier cup of coffee, then, feeling more resolute, I plucked up the box of Christmas trimmings from the sofa and carried it out into the shop."Hey, what d'you think you're doing? That's my job!"I glanced up to see Roxy standing by the door. She'd obviously only just returned because she was still wearing her black raincoat, along with a rather sodden-looking black velvet hat. "Not any more," I said brightly, forcing a smile. "Thought I might give you a hand for once. So come on, where is it?" I gave her an expectant look, my gaze having first travelled to her empty hands."Where's what?" She
Of course, by the time I got back to the shop, my adrenalin-fuelled euphoria had dissipated to guilt-ridden despair. Alice took one look at me as I stumbled through the door and was there in an instant, her arms around me. "No need to ask how that went," she said, before exclaiming, "Sam, you're soaked through!" then, "Oh my darling, don't!" as I promptly burst into tears. "Everything's going to be all right!""It isn't!" I wailed, letting her peel my coat from me, the tightness in my chest making it hard to breathe. "I've just made everything so much w-worse!"She pulled me close again, encouraging me to sob out the whole sorry tale, puncturing my account every now and again with muttered invective. And when at last I was done, she kissed my forehead and steered me towards the comfy chairs outside the changing rooms. "Sit," she insisted in a voice that would brook no argument. "Let's get you dried off a bit.""I'm okay," I croaked but she didn't seem to hear, already en route to the
Sam!" Dad's tone was sharper now. "That's enough!""You're damned right, that's enough!" I fired at him, finding a new focus for my anger, so long suppressed, I'd had no idea how potent it was. "I've had enough, that's for sure. How could you let her put us through this, Dad? As if it wasn't bad enough that Paul died in the first place, we have to relive it all, year after fucking year.""You don't think we should try to keep his memory alive?" my mother hissed. "You think we should just forget?""Forget?" I gave another gasp of mirthless laughter and waved around at the rows of photographs. "As if any of us could. Look at this place! All the pictures. It's a bloody shrine—a shrine to your precious Paul. Your perfect Paul.""He wasn't perfect, Sam. No one's saying—""You're saying I shouldn't have photos now?" Mum screamed, her turn to ignore my father. "You don't know what it's like, Sam, to lose a son. You have no idea!""I know what it's like to lose a brother!" I shot back, so hot







