CHAPTER FORTY - TWO

LORENZO GRAYSON\ VADIM KERZHAKOV ©

Nick held my shirt tighter, like he wasn't ready to let me go.

And maybe that was the problem.

Yes. I was making a mistake. And that mistake involved Nick.

I was risking him again. I had put my own feelings before his safety.

I slowly pulled away from the kiss and looked at his face.

What the fuck was I doing?

This wasn't right.

A professor getting involved with his student wasn't something that should happen.

It was something no one could know about, especially not my father.

I was putting Nick at risk. He doesn't even know who I truly was.

And if one day he found out my real identity, what would happen?

What if I lost him?

“Enzo.”

He reached out to hold me, but I quickly moved away.

“No... no, we can't… we can't do this,” I said.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Why on earth was I kissing him?

I let out a breath and ran my hands through my hair.

I was so stupid.

I escaped from my father in Russia after he released me. I knew he would make me go through hell just to bring me back.

What if he found out his son had someone he cared about.

Someone he had feelings for.

“What was I doing?” I muttered to myself as I stood up.

“Wait, Enzo.” Nick said as he stood up as well.

“Is this really what you want?” I asked. “Is this the kind of life you want to live? Being with your professor?”

He bit his lip and looked away.

“Go on and leave the office,” I added.

“Yes.” His sudden answer caught me off guard.

“What?” I asked.

“This is exactly what I want,” he said, and my breath hitched.

“I… I don't want whatever is going on between us to end,” he added. “I can't think straight anymore, Enzo.”

He bit his lip again, avoiding my eyes.

“It feels…” he started, but he stopped to steady his breathing.

His breath was uneven, and I could hear how fast his heart seemed to be racing.

“Why can't you choose me?”

The words left me speechless.

“Why on earth are you replacing me?” he asked.

“I should be the one wearing your coat every night,” he said, lightly hitting my chest.

“I should be the one you smile with every day. The one you tease openly. Why can't I be the one anymore?”

His voice cracked, and suddenly it felt like I couldn't breathe.

What was he saying?

It couldn't be, could it?

“I want to be the person who spends the most time with you. I can't be the only one feeling this way. You can't just push me away and treat me like I'm nothing,” he said.

His voice broke as tears filled his eyes, and he fell back into the chair.

What have I done?

“Go back, Nick.” That was all I could muster up to say.

“Are you really going to be like this…” he started but I cut him off.

“Do you not understand?” My voice rose.

“You're my fucking student. You're young and…” I stopped myself.

“You have a bright future ahead of you, Nick. What happens if I can't protect you when danger comes?” I asked.

“What danger?“ He asked.

“I don't care,” he said and stood up grabbing both of my hands.

“Huh? Can't you just feel the same way I feel about you?” he asked, looking straight into my eyes.

I stared at him. Those eyes.

I couldn't lose someone because of who I was.

If I truly cared about him, then I needed to stay away.

The age difference between us was too much. What was happening between us was wrong.

And if I found out he had become one of Antonio's targets, how was I supposed to protect him?

I couldn't let someone I cared about become another victim because of my father.

Nick has become one of the reasons I can't return to Russia.

And if my father ever found out, he would end him and everyone around him.

“No, I can't,” I told him and he slowly let go of my hand.

“I can't reciprocate your feelings.”

The words felt heavy, but I forced myself to continue.

“You should leave the office. I have a lot of work to do.”

I turned away and started gathering the papers scattered around the office.

“Then why did you start all of this?” he asked and my hands froze.

I stopped in place.

“This was all your fault,” he said, pointing at his heart.

“You shouldn't have started any of this. You should have just kept showing me that cold side of you. You shouldn't have done this.”

His voice cracked as he tried to hold back his tears.

I continued picking up the papers while Nick stayed in the same spot.

I shouldn't look at his face.

That's right.

I should just collect the papers and go back to checking the students' scripts.

He could blame me all he wanted. It was fine.

I was just a fool who had gotten attached to someone younger than me.

A fool who couldn't stop thinking about him.

If only I hadn't done any of those things...

I wondered what would have happened instead.

“It seems I was the stupid one that liked the wrong person after all,” he said, and my chest tightened.

He turned and started walking away, but he suddenly stopped.

“You know, the worst part about all of this is that my feelings still haven't changed, Lorenzo,” he said before leaving the office.

I removed my glasses and ran a hand through my hair.

My eyes stayed on the door for a moment before I let out a shaky breath.

This was the right thing to do, Enzo. I just have to let him go.