CHAPTER TWO

A pair of kind eyes peer down at me. It’s Ellie’s. She has the kindest eyes ever.

“Caleb, Tim said you weren’t feeling well. what’s wrong?” She asks concern written all over her face. She’s worried about me now. I wonder how she’ll feel if she gets to know her boyfriend—soon to be fiancé—was also once my boyfriend and broke my heart. I’m so vile I probably don’t deserve her kindness, but my jealousy and selfishness is stronger than any guilt that I am feeling. He was mine before he was hers.

“I don’t feel so good.” i mumble

“Have you eaten today?” She asks her brows pulling together in worry.

Right…. Food. I have a brain that remembers to do everything else but eat.

She sighs “let me take you home and make something for you to eat. Can you walk?”

“I think”

My legs are surprisingly steady enough to carry me to her car, but she still leans against me supportively, her arms around me. The parking lot is mostly full, so it takes a while for me to spot her car, under a large oak tree, its leaves moving gently with the breeze.

The ride is mostly quiet except for when Ellie tells me not to fall asleep so I don’t pass out.

“You don’t have to come in with me”

“I am, you can barely walk and you need to eat.”

“I can walk though”

“I will come in and make you some grilled cheese sandwich.”

I don’t argue, I could always eat grilled cheese. But I do argue when she walks over to help me.

“I’m good, Ellie! I’m not a fucking cripple”

“I’m just trying to help, and don’t swear at me Caleb”

The apology doesn’t make it past my lips because I’m bitter, hurt, and so fucking jealous.

Sitting on the kitchen island, while Ellie gets busy by the stove.

The smell of melted cheese saturating the room makes me perk up just a little bit.

“Ellie?”

“Yeah?” she throws me one of her kind smiles over her shoulders.

“How are things going with Tim?” I ask. A blush creeps up her neck.

She doesn’t reply immediately.

She places the grilled cheese in front of me. The cheese seeps out of the sides and suddenly I’m ravenous.

“Very well. I’m happy. He makes me happy”

“I wonder, will he say the same about you?” I chirp, mouthful of my sandwich.

She smiles with a slightly stunned expression on her face “what? Caleb?”

“What if he asks you to marry him? Will you say yes?”

“Caleb” she says looking a bit annoyed or offended. “I don’t know where all these questions are coming from, but I don’t think my relationship with Tim concerns you.”

“You wound me Ellie. I thought we were close.” I grin

She exhales loudly. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do think I see a future with him”

“As father of your children”.

“Yes.”

“Well, not that you asked for my opinion,”

“I, in fact, did not.”

“I’ll say it anyway. You don’t deserve him.”

She looks downright furious now. “What do you know about what I deserve?”

“I know you deserve better.”

“Caleb! Stop this. Please. I know you care about me, and I know you want to see me happy but I believe Tim is a good man, he’ll never deliberately hurt me.”

“But he will hurt you. Trust me.”

“It’s obvious you don’t want me here, I’ll leave you to rest.”

“Yeah”

She’s left colorless with shock by my response.

“I’m sorry”

She bobs her head, as she picks up her car keys

“I’m sorry Ellie. I don’t mean to be such a bitch”

“It’s okay”

“No it’s not okay. I know what it’s like to want someone who doesn’t want you back.” I feel my voice tremble.

Her eyes radiate sympathy. “I’m really sorry about that. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay. I’ll leave you to it”

“I’m really sorry Ellie”

“I know. Caleb. I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“Yeah”

She exits the house quietly and I’m left with my thoughts and my heart rabbiting in my chest. I stumble up to my bedroom, fall into my bed and try to sleep. But sleep is far from me. Instead, I think about what my life would have been like if I didn’t like boys. Or what it would have been like if Ellie wasn’t in the picture. I wonder if Tim would have loved me if Ellie had just moved out of town like she had intended to do.

Ellie lived with us since she was 6 after both her parents died in a plane crash. She landed on my parents’ lap the same way I was conceived—without warning.

She was treated differently, of course. She was a priority, a responsibility—she needed them more than I did. After all, she had no parents.

Meanwhile I had to walk as quietly as possible so my presence would not be noticed—so as not to remind my parents of a mistake that made them grow up faster than they planned, a surprise that ruined something I never meant to ruin.

It’s not like I resented her then and I don’t resent her now or anything but I wished she had her own parents—just like I fucking wish now, that she could just get her own damn boyfriend!.

And Tim. I wonder what he thought about me. Did he think of me as a chore, was I too needy for him? It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that he didn’t choose me—Just like my parents didn’t choose me. He didn’t want me anymore—just like my parents didn’t. I want to hurt Tim. I want to ruin him.

I think about God too. I’m sure he doesn’t want me too. Ever since I was a child in church, it was emphasized and highlighted that it was debauched and depraved for the body to want what it wants.

I think about what I want. I want to leave Shiloh creek and never come back. I also want to vanish into nothingness.