CHAPTER ONE

The kiss is sloppy and wet and I'm so aroused.

“Caleb, stop” Tim says firmly as I mouth at the skin on his neck, rubbing my palm against the bulge in his jeans. “Caleb!” he hisses, grabbing both my wrists in one of his hands.

“What?” i breathe heavily

“Stop” he repeats again

“Why? What’s wrong?” i run my eyes all over his face

“What’s wrong?What's – Caleb we’re at church!” his whispers with a hint of urgency.

Of course we’re in church, it’s bible study, like every other thursday night, but that has never stopped us in the past. I stare at him, trying to figure out why this is a problem now and I come up with a gigantic nothing.

“I don't understand, why is this a problem?” I’m sure I look just as confused as I am. “Tim what’s going on?” I ask. He gives me a grim look which makes my arousal ebb. I adjust my clothes and straighten my shoulders.

“Baby” he says quietly, running his hands along my arms. He exhales sharply through his nose, looking anywhere but at me, like a guilty dog.

“Tim you’re fucking scaring me. Tell me, what’s wrong? I stare up at him trying to catch his eyes.

“I don’t think we should keep doing this. I don’t think this can work” he says solemnly

“Tiiiim! Is that what this is about?” I sigh in exasperation. “We discussed this already. I know I'm going away to college soon, but I really believe we can make it work" I say with a soft voice reaching for his hands so i can hold them in mine.

“How are we going to do that?” he asks, giving me a berating look as though I'm a misbehaving child. I hate it when he looks at me like that, making me feel even smaller than my 5’6” frame.

“We call each other, as much as possible, every night, we facetime, we visit all the time, and if that’s not possible, we send videos and photos —”

“Christ! You’re such a child!” he snorts

“I’m not a child” i scowl

“Yes, you are! What on earth are you rambling about? What did you think this shit we’re doing would lead to? Marriage?!” he scoffs. I watch as a sneer forms on his lips and my heart hammers in my chest

“I….. that’s not… I don’t know.” humiliation wraps hands of steel around my throat

“Look” he sighs “I don't know what you think has been going on between us all this while, but I promise you, it wasn’t that serious. Did you think we were in love?” he chirps in mockery.

“We were in love. We are in love” I say weakly, I can’t even hear myself over the unpleasant rushing noise in my ears.

“Stop saying that, it’s not true!” he says, softly, coddling me. His eyes are dancing with amusement.

“Are you laughing at me? Is this funny to you?”

“Listen, think of this as a chance for you to go to college to live your best life without the guilt of somebody waiting at home for you”

“Is it funny that you’ve been using me for years? I bet you won’t be amused when everybody knows you’ve been getting your rocks off with a minor”

“You’re eighteen Caleb” he says dryly

“I’ve been sucking your cock long before I turned eighteen”

“Shut up, Caleb.” he says in a bored tone, like I didn't just threaten him. “Nobody will listen to you. Christ! Is this how needy you are? Trying to blackmail me into being your boyfriend” he says “boyfriend” with disgust written boldly all over his face

“No… I’m not. Tim…. We can work this out. We can make it work.” I say with a placating tone.

“Stop it Caleb” he turns away, his back now facing me. “I’m planning to propose to Ellie”

The indifference in his tone is like a smack across my face. The way he downplays his betrayal like it’s nothing more than a trifle. I feel naivety and idiocy in tons, so much that my head swims with it.

“What the fuck Tim?” he doesn’t look at me, there’s no sign that he hears me, and my heart can’t take it “Tim, you promised” he doesn’t budge and I hang on to desperate hope that it’s shame making him hide his face from me. With despair hot on my heels, I march around to face him and he gives me a look that says he thinks I'm the stupidest person alive.

“And what would you have me do? Would you have me wait for you and then after you graduate we can get married and disappear into the sunset? What I would do to live in your world for a day. I'm sure it’s summer all the time and the rivers flow with chocolate” he says with a gentle tone, but the vibrant mockery in his eyes makes my cheeks heat with embarrassment.

“I was hoping we could figure —”

“Don’t say that caleb!” he snaps

“You don’t even love her” I plead, each word a struggle to utter, past the lump rising at the back of my throat.

“It doesn’t matter”

“It does matter because you will never be happy but I can make you happy.” In misery, I attempt to bury myself in him, wrapping my arms around his middle. I feel his warm body go stiff. “I will make you happy if only you let me. I’ll make you happier than Ellie ever will. please.” I sound so fucking desperate because i am

Swiftly, he pulls himself out of my hold, grabs my shoulder, and tries to shake some sense into me.

“Stop being ridiculous Caleb!” he quips, his face flushing.

“I’m sorry” I whisper, choking back a sob, as a rogue tear leaks onto my cheek.

“Go to college, live your life, and try to be happy. If you have a single ounce of sense in your stupid head, don’t come back here. I’m going back to Bible study now—wait a while before you come in after me.” he says, giving me a look of disdain. I watch him in silent agony as he adjusts his clothes and stalks back inside the church—Like he’s not the cause of the searing, asphyxiating pain tearing through my chest—a wide gaping hole, clenching and unclenching.

All kinds of disturbing notions run through my head. Like going in there and screaming at the highest point of my lungs that Tim likes boys, and he can’t marry Ellie, how I’m in love with him, and it’s their fault Tim is just too scared to love me back. Their watchful, judgmental eyes, their veiled hostility and backhanded love.

But I can’t.

I pull myself together instead.

I pull myself together while my brain buzzes inside my skull. I try to stand but my legs are too weak, too fragile and unsteady.

I stumble forward, my knees wobble like they know nothing of their use anymore, I try to steady myself holding onto the wall for support. My head swims with great intensity. In an instant the ground races up too fast and the air leaves my body as I land hard on my side.

I don’t know how long I lie on my back and stare at the starry sky as it turns in a continuous circle.