Kapitulo 5: Break Free

I wake up feeling the warmth atop my belly. My eyes automatically settled in my stomach only to see a small kitten curled up into a ball, peacefully sleeping. Chasing my sleepiness away.

My lips twitched.

"My little ancestor you even used me as a bed. Where is your master?"

Finding myself silly, a soft chuckle escaped my lips. Cats does not know how to understand human language, or at least they cannot communicate using the same medium. Nevertheless, they look so cute especially when they tilt their little head whenever I spoke to them.

"You look so peaceful, I feel jealous."

I carefully leaned against the headboard. While making sure that I will not stir the cute kitty awake. My fingers unconsciously stroke its fur. Just as I expected it was soft and silky. It is very nice to touch.

Just as I was enjoying the peaceful moment, the door suddenly issued a soft creaking sound. It must be the man who owned this naughty cat, so I paid him no mind and instead continue stroking the cat.

"It's good that you're awake."

For a second, my body froze, the awfully familiar timbre of a man’s voice left me in a trance. His low, but masculine voice sounds pleasant as it accompanied by the sounds of his shoes hitting the floor, which rang through the silent room.

My mouth slightly fell open whilst my gaze automatically turned towards the doorway despite my disoriented mind.

As if on cue, mists immediately pooled before my eyes as my lips could not help but quiver. Forming a single word. "Martin..."

I do not know what else to say.

I tried composing myself, but my heart became restless, as excitement, hope and uncertainties run through my veins. I tried to press it down and at the end; I could only glance blankly at the man’s visage.

While my heart thump in undeniable happiness. I knew he would come!

However when Martin frowned showing his displeasure, my mouth unconsciously shut. Peering at his slightly annoyed face a whisper of doubt echoed inside my chest.

Why is he angry again?

"My lawyer can't come so I deliver the paper myself."

It was as if a bucket full of cold water is poured atop my head. I was stunned yet deep down I was not surprised. My lips parted slightly open. On my instinct, I acted as if I never heard his words. Instead, I asked the question that bugs me day and night for the past week through gritted teeth, while shrugging his ruthless string of words away.

My eyes for once, never avoiding his piercing cold gaze.

"I was involved in a car accident. Did you know?" I asked, sarcasm barely audible on my voice.

Ignoring the heaviness inside my chest.

Indeed, ignorance is a bliss. I took a deep breath to compose my emotion down keeping them at bay as I force myself not to breakdown.

I just wanted to know. Maybe he has a valid reason. That is why he never visited me. Any reason and explanation will do. I am desperate and I never felt this way before, the feeling was so strong that it was about to rob my rationality away. 

'Martin, just say something and I will forgive you, please. I will overlook your intimacy with your mistress. I will not ask anything; I will turn a blind eye. Just one word and I will forgive you.'

All the helpless pleas I silently wished vanished -into the thin air- the moment the man opened his lips without any scruple.

"It's good that you're alive." 

His voice cold and emotionless.

My shoulder dropped. I could feel a heavy pang in my chest. As if, someone is squeezing my heart. It is beyond unbearable and suffocating. 

I laughed aloud and forced a smile upon my trembling lips. Holding in the tears that threatened to fall from my lashes. Playing a nonchalant role that I could barely muster, I shrugged my shoulder, “Of course you knew.”

'Stupid, Helga. Of course, he will never care about you. '

Martin made his way towards my bed, holding a briefcase.

"I'm sorry, huh? I had inadvertently trouble you for such an insignificant matter. You could have asked your assistant to bring that to me. "  

My voice dripping with sarcasm masking how much his words hurts me, just now, yet the man remained unfeeling.

Seeing that he was adamant in breaking everything that we have, I tried pretending that I already moved on. I even promised Patricia that I would stop. Nevertheless, the courage and guts, I built was gone, the instant I saw him leaving me no strength but to shed pathetic tears.

Why is he affecting me like this? When he made me feel that, I never matter to him, that he could not be bothered about my life and death. Is this how it feels like to fall in love?

"The house you're staying at will be yours as well as the car, properties and other assets will be under your name."

"What, you can't bear to share those assets with me, so you want to give me everything? Are you insulting me, or is these Nadia’s ploy to anger me to death? I am sorry to disappoint but I do not need your money! Keep it to yourself." I screamed, while pain and frustration unquestionably laced my shaking voice.

Did I actually marry a scum for a husband?

Martin paused, silently contemplating. A slight frown appeared on his faultless face.

"As you wish. If you do not like it, I will find a way to have it auctioned. The money will go to an orphanage of your liking."

He casually opened the case and fished out a paper together with a slick fountainpen.

I just watched as he took out a stock of documents before me. My chest quickly moving up and down turning my head away from him, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

My chest felt unbearably heavy. It was as if a large rock had fallen atop my chest. At the same time, I endure the instinct to lash immediately at him. This is the most humiliating moment of my life.

Watching your man choose another woman for no apparent reason and then facing you without anything written on his face.

"What happened to us Martin?" I could not help but whisper.

I wanted to cry!

I want to blame him for all the pain I had to bear just to save our marriage. I want him to understand the frustrations, confusion, insecurity and the desperation I am feeling. So that at least he can feel how much it hurts. However, I was helpless for I am aware that once he made a decision it will never change.

His decision was long set in stone.

However, even if we divorced at least, I want to hear his reason. So I could let go of those uncertainties that I had to deal with for the past months. I at least deserves to know that, right?

Martin did not speak. His lips were purse into a thin line. Assuming a stance of a perfect bystander. Gone was the sweet and caring Martin I used to know.

"We are not like this, what happened? What goes wrong? Tell me, why have we reached this point? At least, you owe me an explanation right?"

The corner of my eyes feels hot.

Martin’s lips parted. His eyes bore at me with indifference. He seemed to hear nothing. Martin just stood like a rigid pole just a few steps away from me, but why do I feel that he is so far away?

My lips trembles, I clenched my palm into a fist under the mattress.

This will be the last time, Helga. 

I just want to let my burdensome feeling out. Because, I feel like I am going crazy. The pain that haunts me day and night for the past months, I want it gone.

For the days and weeks that passed in my state of oblivion never ease the pain that I am suffering. Witnessing him being affectionate with another woman when he cannot even bear to look at me was maddening.

I gently grab his long, slender fingers with my trembling hands. They used to wipe my tears but things changed. My hands caress his calloused palm and place it against my chest. Letting him feel my beating heart. I felt him flinch under my touch. Making me smile bitterly.

"Did you know?  In this very bed, my heart stops beating for three times... I died three times in a row, I lost too much blood, it was all thanks to the doctors for keeping me still, but you never knew. I was fighting over life and death, but still you never knew! Did you know? I spent my days lying here waiting for the day that the door will open and you will come to comfort me? I waited and waited. But you never come."