Realisation

I cry for hours; I hate him, and I hate myself. Why did I let him do that? Why didn’t I stop him earlier? Why was I so foolish? I told him he could do anything to me, and I wouldn’t walk away. I was wrong. I’m not sure if I even want to look at him again.

The pain and humiliation are there, just like it was with Max, only under different circumstances. This is my fault, my fault for not saying the safe word, my fault for trying to make him snap back and not thinking of myself. I feel worse, worse because I am solely to blame. Why didn’t I just say the safe word? He would have stopped instantly, at the start, had I done that.

I look at the clock. It’s 5 am. I don’t move. I stay lying here, watching the clock: 6 am. 9 am. 10 am.

“I am sorry, Alena, please open the door,” Jackson calls through, his fists banging on it. I cover my ears with the pillow. I continue watching the clock. I just stare at it, watching the time pass. It is 11:45 pm. There is a knock at the door. I cover my ear