Removing My Limits

I grab the smaller brush, preparing to do his eyes.  As my hand reaches up to remove his blindfold, I whisper, “Don’t open your eyes”. I lift it, his eyes staying shut. I slowly stroke the brush across his eye, watching as they flash open, his hands pulling down and ripping the chains from the ceiling.

“What the hell are you trying to do Alena, humiliate me so that when I leave everyone can see you’re trying to degrade me?” His hands whip down. As he speaks, he grabs me, throwing me on the bed. His eyes are still not the same, but at least he has responded.

He is doing something. He has me pinned to the bed, his eyes black, pitch black. I feel abused just looking at them, trying to hide myself from them. “Don’t ever do that again,” he snaps, then looks at me and now notices my tears.

“I hated it, I fucking hated that Jackson, but what choice did I have?” I shout back, my hands trying to fight against his grip. I watch as his face falls, his eyes lightening slightly, but not back to the original colour, but it is something.

“Just leave me. I will sort it out myself. I don’t need your help, or anyone else's”. I shake my head. He does need help, a lot of help.

"You do! I feel like I am looking at a robot, someone who can't feel a thing. I whipped you, Jackson! You didn't even fucking move." My head lowers as I cry.

"I deserve it, I deserve worse." His words shattered my soul.

"No, Jackson you fixed me, over and over. After Caroline, after we were told you died on that damn mission after Max kidnapped me. You fixed me when I was like this." I point to him, his eyes stay on me.

"I want to fix you, Jackson, for all the times you fixed me. I don't care if you feel you deserve to be hurt, to be punished, or feel you don't deserve me or pleasure. I can't live like this Jackson, it is killing parts of me I never knew I had." I sit looking at him waiting. He doesn't refuse, and he is at least listening and taking in my words now.

“What do you need?  Whatever it is, Jackson, take it, take everything, I am offering everything I have to you, no hard limits, nothing, no restrictions, whatever you need, take it. And if I can’t cope, I know what to do. Don’t worry about me, just take whatever you need”. His eyes look at mine, his head shaking.

“Jackson, fuck me, degrade me, humiliate me, do whatever you want, no limits. Let yourself be free, even if it means risking hurting me. Do it. I know the safe word. Do it now!” I am shouting at him, begging him to basically hurt me, to do things to me that I said no to, anything at all, as long as it helps.

Right now, I am willing to take everything if it helps him.  He smiles, staring at me, now assessing if I am being serious, but waiting, ready to pounce. I feel like his prey, his eyes delving into me, into my body, into my soul.  I know now I have possibly made the biggest mistake ever.

“You are going to be my death. You are destroying me, Alena, and you will make me destroy us. You don't mean it.” He goes to move, my hands gripping him.

“I won’t walk away; nothing you do, nothing at all, will make me walk away from you. I will prove it." I stand and walk through to the safe room, unlocking the safe I take out the contract. I look at my hard list and take a deep breath. Crossing out all the items I write them on the main list.

Maybe no restrictions are what he needs. I walk back through and show him, his eyes scan the paper.

"Everything from my hard list is now okay to do, if I really hate it, I can say the safe word, but I likely will enjoy it. Just take everything you need, Jackson. Take it now. My hard list. Everything. If it gets too much, I know how to end it. Just do it!”

I scream the words at him, wanting to feel something, something from him. Instead of just this cold icy feeling that makes me feel like I am drowning in sorrow. I don't want to push but if I need to, I know mentioning Liam will work.

I don't want to though, I know saying Liam's name and comparing them will hurt him far more than he should.