She Never Chose Me

Vivian had gone to the market at four that morning just to make this meal.

I loved chestnut chicken. She thought pre-peeled chestnuts never tasted clean enough, so she peeled them by hand until her index finger was covered in Band-Aids.

The chicken soup on the table was still steaming.

Vivian sat rigidly across from me, then lifted her eyes to mine.

"What do you mean you didn't draw my name? I'm your wife. Since when do I need to win a lottery just to spend your birthday with you?

"And who is Lily?"

My phone kept vibrating in my pocket. Lily was already rushing me.

"My childhood sweetheart," I said with a faint smile. "I developed indecisiveness too. I can't exactly split myself in half and give each of you a piece, can I? Drawing lots is the fairest way.

"I drew Lily, so Lily is spending my birthday with me. The soup smells great, though. You should have some. I have to go."

I picked up my suitcase and headed for the door.

Vivian let out a flat laugh.

"You've spent years revolving around me. I've never heard of any childhood sweetheart. You're doing this to get back at me, aren't you?

"I treated you badly before, so now you've invented some woman just to make me jealous. Is this really fun for you?

"I came back to this marriage. What else do you want from me? Do you have to keep tearing this family apart?"

But she was the one who had torn it apart first. She was the one who watched me cry and beg while shaking a jar that never contained a short slip at all, rigging the draw again and again so Julian would win.

She was also the one who looked at me standing on that rooftop and said with open impatience:

"I honestly don't know what you're losing your mind over. I drew Julian's name, not yours. That's just bad luck. You can't blame anyone."

Then she walked away without looking back, and that was when I finally understood she had never intended to choose me.

Now I didn't need her to.

"I'm not making a scene, and I'm not trying to get revenge."

Revenge was too grand a word for it. I simply couldn't swallow what she'd done to me, and I wanted her to feel even a fraction of the humiliation.

I pushed her hand away. Before I could say more, exhaustion crossed Vivian's face.

"Julian is engaged. I'm back. We're not going to have anything to do with each other anymore, so why are you still panicking?

"Can't we just let the past stay in the past and live our lives properly?"

So that was what she thought. As long as she was willing to turn around, I was supposed to erase everything and go back to loving her, staying loyal.

Before I could answer, her best friend Natalie called.

"Julian's car broke down on the highway. His fiancee isn't here, and I'm out of town. He told me not to contact you, said he'd blocked you and you wouldn't come anyway.

"There's supposed to be a thunderstorm in half an hour. Are you going?"

The moment Vivian heard Julian's name, she glanced at me. Then she heard thunderstorm, and I stopped mattering.

She hurried onto the balcony to take the call. The apartment was quiet enough that her voice drifted back through the open door, and every word reached me.

"I don't blame him for blocking me. I just wasn't capable of giving him a better life. I'll go after Evan falls asleep. He's acting up again.

"I already threw away the lot-drawing jar and chose him. I seriously don't know what else he's unhappy about."

"If you're this torn up, why not crash the wedding? Divorce Evan and go get Julian."

Vivian gave a bitter laugh.

"I can't stop Julian from choosing someone better. As for Evan, we'll just make do. He can't leave me anyway. His mother depends on medication from my patent, so he can throw all the tantrums he wants.

"As long as he doesn't hurt Julian, I can put up with anything."

With Julian it was love, sacrifice, letting go because she wanted the best for him. With me it was compromise and making do.

Luckily, I no longer cared.

I dragged my suitcase downstairs, and Lily opened the passenger door for me.

"Hey, when are you two finally getting divorced?"

"One week."

Vivian didn't know that once I'd completely given up on her, I used the network and contacts I'd built through her to assemble a new research team to work on my mother's condition. Diane had been living on that medication for three years, and the clinical trial had finally worked.

There was no one I couldn't live without anymore.

And that divorce agreement Vivian had signed back when she was desperate to get rid of me, the one where she agreed to walk away with nothing, had been signed by me too. I had already handed it to Julian's fiancee, Claire Bennett, to handle as my attorney.

Now all I had to do was wait for her to return.