Since Then, It’s Already You

I had never understood how people got excited, or happy, or sad. I never understood how they laughed so hard until their eyes watered, or how they cried just as hard and their eyes got all swollen.

I don't think I have ever felt those emotions before, even as a child.

I think… whatever makes people feel things like joy, or excitement, or even sadness, maybe that was never built in me. Like a missing set of cells. Or maybe it just burned out before I ever got to use it.

The only emotions I ever felt, that were familiar, like old friends, were hate, rage, fear, and lust—the latter had developed when I hit puberty, and the other three… well, for as long as I could remember.

And right now what I was feeling was rage. Pure rage that made me tremble.

“What?” I asked my mother, my fists clenched so tight, my nails dug into my palm, piercing skin. “You’re getting married?”

“Uh-huh,” she answered, grinning from ear to ear as she watched the diamond ring on her finger—her engagement ring. The diamond hit the sun and reflected, glowing. “Oh! Look at that!”

“It's barely been a month,” I reminded her, my voice shaking. “His body has just been buried and you're getting married again?”

My parents’ relationship has never been sweet, never been like all those other people I had seen who loved each other. They fought and argued all the time and I always ended up being dragged into it. It always ended with me covered in bruises.

I hated them both. I used to fear them, but one day I just woke up and decided, “Never again.” That I was never going to be afraid of them, I would only hate them, and forever feel rage towards them.

So I really didn't give a fuck that she was getting married barely a month after her husband died. What I did give a fuck about was she could at least pretended to mourn him. People would be watching, and they were going to talk.

My mother just shrugged, turning away from the window, and looking at me the way she always did—like I was stupid and wasn't worth her time.

“I thought since you grew tall and curvy, you’d grow out of your stupidity,” she snarled, “but I thought wrong. When life gives you an opportunity, Rosette, dear, you grab it with both hands. Damn the consequences to hell.” She brushed past me, heading towards the door. “I'm selling the house. We’re moving to his house as soon as the vows are said.”

***

I didn't go to the wedding. Mom blew my phone up with calls but I didn't pick a single one. I didn't go back to the house and stayed at a friend’s place, going to my part-time job from there. But my friend's generosity could only extend so long, and I couldn't stay there any longer.

So a week after the wedding, I finally picked up Mom’s call.

“Stupid girl,” were the first words she spat, her voice harsh. “Do you know the lies I had to make up? We were supposed to put up a lovely family front. We were supposed to show my new husband and his family a united front!”

“I'm sure you came up with a convincing lie,” I said, my voice flat. “Send the address. I’ll come there straight when I close from work.”

“You and that–”

The phone beeped as I ended the call, tossing it into my bag and going back to work.

I didn't want to go. I didn't want to make my mother feel like she won, or she still had some control over me, but I had no choice. I couldn't get an apartment because I was saving to go to college.

So I would go, but I wasn't going to play her stupid united family. I was just going to swallow everything she threw at me. It was just until this year's end, and then I was moving. I would finally be going to college.

***

As soon as I saw the address Mom sent, I knew this wasn't some regular businessman she got married to. When I got to the mansion, that was only confirmed.

It was huge, like a damn castle, with towering walls and big gates. As soon as I got out of the taxi, someone was there to take my bags and led me inside.

“Welcome, Miss Rosette,” a man dressed in a suit, with thick glasses resting on his nose, greeted me while my bags were being taken away. “I'm Gabriel, the butler, and I shall be the one you come to if you need anything.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said with a slight nod.

I was led inside the mansion, through a long hall, until I entered a room where Mother was, and then I was left alone with her. She was immediately on her feet when she saw me, marching toward me with her hands resting on her hips and her face red with anger.

“I will not have you ruin this for me, Rose,” she hissed into my face. “You will behave. You will act like the perfect child, smile when you should, and talk nicely.”

“If I decide not to?” I asked just to taunt her. “What will you do, Mom? Hit me? Not feed me for a week? Or maybe your favorite punishment method—locking me in a dark cabinet with no food or water?” Her face grew redder as I spoke, her breathing harsh. “You can't do any of those things any longer. You hold no control over me anymore, and I will behave as I want. Smile when I want, talk nicely, or be rude if I decide to. We both know we wouldn't be able to present a lovely front when we hold so much hate for each other, so much venom. It’s only a matter of time before your new husband finds out you're all pretense. What will you do, then? Jump to the next person that looks your way?”

She was red all down to her neck now, her breathing a harsh pant. “You ungrateful–”

I already anticipated it before she even raised her hand, but I still let the slap land. The sound rang in the big room, echoing back to me, but I didn't even feel it.

I pointed at my cheek, at the spot I was sure it was already bruised. “United, my fucking ass.”

She took a step closer to me, but halted when a new voice spoke.

“Is everything alright?”