chapter 2

Camille was such an effortlessly beautiful woman. A woman, she wasn't a girl anymore. Suddenly, when I thought of that, I also wondered if she had a man. Or ever been with a man. Oh God, such vile jealously ran through all of me and I was in physical pain from the thought of her being touched by some first or second year university dweeb. Camille deserved only the best, and I was one hundred percent certain that any university bro she came across had no idea how to touch a woman.

"Is this the place?" She woke me up from my dark thoughts and I realized I wasn't even paying attention to where I was going and drove right by.

Thankfully, this place wasn't very busy due to its high prices and most of our town having a very modest income. But I was a working man now and while it's only been a few months that I've fully finished field training, I was happy to have a stable full time job, even if the pay wasn't grand. Definitely not a lawyer's salary.

"Lemon? Or do you want strawberry?" I posed the question while I watched Camille, not even knowing if there was strawberry anything available in the display case.

"Two desserts in one day! What did I do to deserve this?" Camille chuckled while she checked out the dessert selection. She deserved the whole world, how did she not see that?

With our lemon tarts in front of us, we grabbed a seat right outside and I thought about what a blissful moment this was. I had spent so much time with Camille in my life, but it was never deliberate. She was just around, a good, sweet girl who I always liked, but who was so strictly out of bounds, I never gave myself even a lick of permission to look at her any other way.

That all changed seven days ago, right outside that gelato shop that we all visited at least one hundred times in our lives. I will never forget the moment I saw her differently.

Kevin and I were waiting by the car and he was on the phone with some law school buddy while Camille was with her friends inside the store. I hadn't actually seen her this year yet, we dropped by to pick her up. And then, a beautiful woman stepped out, her hair long, her sunglasses perched on her nose and her stride confident and slow. Maybe it wasn't slow, in my mind it was in slow motion. Her little green summer dress danced in the wind and she floated toward us in slow motion, arresting all thoughts.

Her legs so smooth, her body so voluptuous, her long neck meant to be kissed. And that smile. Oh, it lit up the entire world. That smile was brighter than the sun, purer than an angel's, more righteous than God himself.

And then...well then that woman took off her sunglasses and that was the moment I realized that I was drooling over Kevin's little sister. Mesmerized. Addicted. Left breathless. The fact that it was her that caught my attention like that, only intensified my feelings of need and desire. So when she came up to me and leaned in for a hug, I wrapped my arms around her like she was my wife. Like she was mine, in the eyes of God and the law, and I had every right to touch her that way.

My whole body relaxed when I breathed in her scent, so familiar, but now, it ignited a whole inferno inside me. "Hi James!" She spoke in her sweet voice. "Nice to see you again!" But I had no words, I reluctantly pulled back and looked down at her and responded nothing. "What?" She asked smiling, but confused. I couldn't say anything, I was mute, stupefied, and in deep shit.

"What?" Her angelic voice brought me back to reality and I zoned back in, realizing I had been staring at her again. "Do I have lemon on my face?" She asked so innocently, and in fact, she did, a little bit of lemon filling stained her sweet plump cheek and I restrained myself from leaning over and licking it off.

Just when I was about to reach over and touch her with my trembling fingers, another voice sounded behind me, familiar and filled with pain.

"Hi James." The woman drawled and I already felt her presence beside us. "I was waiting for your call, but I guess you're entertaining the Alders again?"

Becky. My girlfriend. As I said, it was all very complicated.

____

Camille's POV

I am not yours, not lost in you

Not lost, although I long to be,

Lost as a candle lit at noon,

Lost as a snowflake in the sea,

You love me, and I find you still

A spirit beautiful and bright,

Yet I am I, who long to be

Lost as a light is lost in light

Oh plunge me deep in love - put out

My senses, leave me deaf and blind,

Swept by the tempest of your love,

A taper in the rushing wind.

- Sara Teasdale

Except it wasn't You love me, it was I love you. I loved James so desperately and painfully for so many years. The pages of this poetry book were all tattered and stained. Stained with my tears, abused by my fingers.

I absolutely dreaded coming home this summer and seeing him again. I fell in love with James when I was in my sophomore year in high school and ever since then - almost five years, I hadn't been able to move on, to forget him, to stop pining after him.

It was so silly. He was my older brother's best friend and I remembered him as a kid. We used to all run through the sprinkler and eat popsicles together in our backyard. Sure, he was nine and I was five and I don't think he or my brother did too much running through the sprinkler, but they sure enjoyed the popsicles.

I remember when all of a sudden, he had a deeper voice and became taller almost over night. I remember when he taught my brother how to drive around the block. I remember him playing video games in our house and laughing with Kevin until they writhed on the floor, unable to take a breath.

But I also remember how one day, he came over to our house for Kevin's nineteenth's birthday and I almost had a heart attack. I always thought he was cute, but it was just something about that birthday that changed everything for me. It was November, and I hadn't seen James since the summer when he walked in our front door covered in a light dusting of snow. I swear, my jaw dropped.

His dark brown hair was longer than usual, he was again, taller than before, and he was so much larger than I remembered him. The fair skin on his cheeks broke out in red spots from the cold and when his eyes found mine, he melted in a warm smile and opened up his arms for a hug. "Hey Camille! Long time no see! My God, you're like a full grown up now!" He gushed and pulled me into a hug that to this day, I can still feel.

He smelled of winter and he buried me in his chest, pressing me into him with heavy large arms. He was simultaneously cold and pleasantly warm, brand new and familiar, and completely out of bounds.

With that ever familiar feeling of anger, I shut the stupid poetry book and haphazardly threw it on my nightstand, burying my face in my pillow and letting out a groan that had been cooped up inside me all day.

"This is Rebecca, my girlfriend." James's voice sounded in my ears and long sharp nails lacerated my insides from the memory. "Hi Camille, nice to see you again." Rebecca responded with full sarcasm since we both knew it was anything but nice to see each other. She was two years older than me and we were on the same volleyball team in high school; we knew each other well.

It wasn't that we hated each other, no, that word wasn't strong enough, it was that we wanted to scratch each other's eyes out. Rebecca was the volleyball team captain and systematically bullied and made fun of a group of girls on the team, me having the pleasure of being her most favourite target.

Hey Cam, pull your shorts up, god forbid anyone sees that bony ass!

You spike like you're blind!

Bitch, wake up or else we'll lose the game because of you!

Oh, I guess daddy isn't here to pay your way to the finals, huh? You're going to have to try on your own this time.

On and on it went, for two years, Becky would do her best to squish everyone's self esteem into a pile of shit and that way, raise herself up in her eyes. Yeah, I cried from her words, right here on this bed. Yeah, I wanted to quit. Yeah, I had fantasies of smashing her face into the wooden gym floor. Yeah...now she was dating James.

James. The boy turned man who was everything a man should be; kind, gentle, strong, respectful, funny, adventurous, smart, handsome. But there was one thing that he wasn't, and to my family that was a death sentence; he wasn't rich.

Life is so unfair. Why the hell would he date Becky?! She was vile! Awful! A total bitch! She disrespected anyone and everyone! It's always like this, isn't it? The bitches get all the good guys.

The summer dragged on with literal snail pace, and each day felt like a hundred years. Every morning, I'd see James leave for work and wave at him, hoping beyond hope that he would walk over and scoop me into his arms. But he only responded with a small smile and drove off while I walked twenty minutes to the stuffy real estate lawyer's office to do my eight hours of daily jail time.

After working there for almost the whole summer, I had a very good understanding of why people gamble, drink, or do other destructive things with their lives. How can you power through at least forty hours of weekly, bone crushing, boring ass work and not want to kill yourself?

Luckily, I was nineteen and looked like I was definitely over twenty one. Armed with fake IDs, my girlfriends and I would travel to the nearby town and hit a bar or a club. Not my preferred method of entertainment, but since it was summer and the office made me suicidal, I threw caution to the wind. It was cathartic. I didn't even drink that much, I just wanted a break from the stuffy, stuck up, dull office work.

Kevin was supposed to pick me up tonight since he was coming back for the last two weeks of summer, but it seemed that he had other plans and bailed on me, at the last moment.

"Dad? Can you pick me up? The girls all want to stay, but I'm tired and want to go home." I said the words but had a hunch that my dad would bail on me too.

"Where's Kevin?" My dad's strict voice sounded through the phone. I explained the situation, but in response, I received a very sour and predictable message. "I'm still at work, Camille, can you call James?"

Ugh. No. I didn't want to call James. I mean, I really, really, really, wanted to call James. I was so close to making a move on him that at this point, it was best that I completely avoid him. My father's response was also sour because I knew exactly why he couldn't pick me up. He wasn't at work, he was cheating on my mom.

While I waited for James to make his way over, I shot back a few tequila shots, for courage; so I could have the courage to ride back home with him and not fucking straddle him.

"Oh my God, did you hear that James broke up with Becky?!" My best friend Melissa yelled over the music as Jessica and Amanda were chatting between themselves. Did this town make its personal mission to crush me into nothing? Becky, Becky, Becky! Fuck her- wait, did she say break up?!

"Huh?" I stared at her, desperately waiting for more details.

"Yeah! My cousin plays on the same football team as him, you know like, pick up football? I swear, guys always get together and play sports and shit, how come..." God damn Melissa droned on about random shit and not the most important news in the world.

"Tell me about Becky!" I interrupted her rudely and she suddenly stopped talking about men and sports.

"They broke up. I don't know anything else, to be honest, but I'm going to tell you this: I'm going to ask him out!" Wow, I almost punched Melissa in the face! If she asked him out and I didn't, I could go jump of Cherry Cliff right into the lake and drown myself.