164 Joana’s POV The wine glass felt heavy in my hand. I set it down on the table near the balcony door. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” I said. “But you did,” he replied. Silence again. “I’m sorry, Caleb.” He looked at me one last time before stepping inside. “I’m going to need some time.” He didn’t slam the door or raise his voice. He chose to walk quietly and with dignity. That made it even harder, too. As I faced the night wind from outside, it ran through my hair as my heart felt sorrow with each breath. In some way, I loved Caleb. Yet, perhaps, not in the right way he needed. Not how he deserved it. And Clinton… He wasn’t a distant dream. He was still present in my life. All these feelings: past, present, and future. So maybe—just maybe—my future. Making that decision wouldn’t have been possible tonight. I just felt like I needed to be on my own tonight. To think. --- Everyone was quiet at breakfast the next day. A strained and crushing silence that
163 Joana’s POV I closed the door as soon as I entered my room, hoping it would keep the noise from getting in. The silence around me was so loud, and all my ideas were swirling like a storm. I put my back against the door for a brief moment, exhaling as I wasn’t aware I was holding my breath. What were my dreams? That doubt kept beating inside me like a sign of danger. This is also so much more than planning a wedding or choosing flowers. Yet, about nearly everything. I began to undress, then got in and let the warm water attempt to calm my mind. It was hot, and I rested back as the splashing against the tub happened quietly. Still, in the solitude of my bathtub, my concerns didn’t go away. Clinton. Caleb. The wedding. The future. Everything coincided in such a way that it was as hard to understand as a letter coated in stain. After what was probably longer than I thought, I climbed out, dried off, and slipped into my robe. I thought I would be alone in the room, but as
162 Joana’s POV Once Clinton left the room, the atmosphere there seemed more heavy than it had been. Losing him didn’t feel like relief; it was mostly silence. That tension from before was still hanging all around us as if the old perfume could never disappear. One wedding planner, a joyful woman named Melissa, crossed her eyes back and forth between Caleb and me, clipboard in hand, and always smiling. “All right then, let’s begin with the simple things. Will the wedding happen indoors or outdoors?” Right away, Caleb answered, “Outdoor.” I said, “Indoor,” as I blinked at that exact moment. We both turned to look at each other. A silence settled. Not thick. Not violent. Just telling. The planners laughed a little, hoping it would make things less awkward. “That happens all the time, so don’t worry,” Melissa told us. "People in a relationship may have contrasting styles, which is why it’s our goal to combine their tastes." I tried to join in, but it was getting impossibl
161 Joana’s POV As soon as I entered my office, I closed the door and held my chest to try and calm the nervous beating of my heart. Why did it still bother me so much? The fact that I still felt his influence affected me as much as learning that I couldn’t easily get rid of it, as I once was able to do. Crossing the room, my mind was blank, and I struggled to calm my breath. I was seated behind my desk, looking at paperwork that had not been touched. The numbers looked the same then and didn’t matter in the face of the confusion filling my mind. Right after that, a knock came at the door. Sharp. Quick. I sat up a bit as Danielle, my senior designer, entered the room. There was both a sense of quickly needing to save time and a lack of belief in what I said. “Miss Joana,” she said, offering me a black folder. “We’ve just been given a new order by an unknown buyer. Nearly ten million dollars in payment.” I blinked. “Ten million?” Danielle nodded. “Payment has been
160 Joana’s POV Her look stayed sharp and full of possession, although she tried to look as neutral as possible. She tried to hide it with a little smile. However, the feelings of jealousy threatening beneath were unmistakable. The smoothie cup shook softly as she squeezed it in her perfect dream-manicured hands. I looked her straight in the eye without backing away. She wasn’t important enough for my time, but I wouldn’t let her watch me leave first. Both of us were locked in a silent head-to-head. Even so, she said nothing. There was hesitation reflected in her gaze. Though Louisa was easily agitated, she wouldn’t dare create a major incident publicly, especially with people watching nearby. She was fuming, filled with rage, but she managed to keep her cool. Her survival instinct caused her not to speak, but everyone could see her anger by the slight trembling of her lip and how she looked at them, all eyes and ready to strike. She then got to her feet, quietly brush
159 JOANA'S POV I turned and noticed her sitting at the café’s brightest window, with a group of similarly out-of-place women all drinking their smoothies in what looked like champagne glasses. They spent hours together talking, forcing laughs and using lots of perfume, all trying to impress each other with gossip or their knowledge about new brands. I sighed inside and began to wonder if I should leave. But the smell of my cake, the warmth of the coffee cup in my hands, and my craving for peace and sugar overruled the impulse to escape. I went into the booth behind them and tried to keep quiet, hoping to simply sit there without being noticed. Of course, Louisa was not the type to ignore eavesdropping. There was just one setting for the woman, and that was too loud. I took a sip of coffee and had the first bite of my cake, then I heard her say, “I’m almost there with Clinton. I wish it was simple for that psychotic bitch to marry Caleb so she would be gone from our lives.