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CHAPTER ONE: STEFAN
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2025-12-10 20:08:02There was a time in my life when I felt wild, careless, and completely free. A time when the nights felt like they belonged to me—hip-hop music, disco lights, Casamigos in my hand, sweat on my skin, and no responsibilities calling my name.
A time when the man I fell in love with, had his hands on my waist in a crowded club, walking me to the restroom, kissing my neck slowly, pinning me to the wall, and fingering me until I could barely breathe.
A time when being touched, wanted, admired, and worshipped made me feel alive.
I felt his hands again, warm on my breasts and his breath hot against my ear. Just when the rush heightened, I woke up.
To reality.
To my actual life.
“Mommy! Are you still sleeping? Wake up! I want to show you something. I drew a butterfly!”
My son’s voice dragged me back from the dream. David Harper, six years old and full of energy at six in the morning, ran out of the room and down the stairs before I could even think about where my mind had just been.
I sneezed, rubbed my eyes, sighed, and followed after him.
There he sat in the living room, legs swinging, holding up a piece of paper proudly.
Scribbles of bright pink, red, and yellow shaped a butterfly that looked like it had flown through a rainbow thunderstorm.
“Wow,” I said, smiling softly. “You did so well, my love. I love it. Give Mama a high five.”
His tiny palm smacked mine, and he jumped excitedly.
Behind him, already dressed for work, stood my husband, Conrad Harper.
Black-blue suit, clean shave, knotting his tie in the mirror with complete concentration. He always looked like the perfect kind of man, with everything under control.
“Here’s my baby boy,” he said as David jumped into his arms. Conrad lifted him easily, tickling him until David shrieked with laughter.
Then he leaned in and kissed me softly.
“Good morning, babe. How was your night? Are you good?”
“I’m fine,” I answered with a soft smile. “Very fine. David, let’s start getting you ready for school, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy,” David said excitedly.
Conrad took a sip of his coffee, grabbed his briefcase, and headed for the door.
“Call me if you need anything. Love you so much.”
“Love you too, bb,” I said, waving as the door shut behind him.
After getting David dressed, fed, and into the car, I drove him to school. We were two minutes late. He ran off to join his classmates, laughing as if the entire world was his playground.
I sat in the car afterward, turned the engine off, and watched the students for a moment.
My life was good. In reality, it was perfect. A stable home. A respectful husband who loved me deeply. A bright son. Calm. Peaceful. Safe.
Everything I used to pray for.
So why didn’t I feel happy? Why did the edges of my happiness feel strained? Why did a part of me still crave the fire, the bubbles, the chaos of my old life, even though it had almost destroyed me?
I called my best friend, Sadie Simmons. If anyone could understand me, it was her. She picked up after two rings.
“Hey, babes! What’s up?”Sadie said.
“Nothing much,” I said. “Just wanted to check on you.”
“Oh, girl, let me tell you,” she said, suddenly laughing. “I just had the most steamy bedroom moment. Like, wow. I need this man to wife me up immediately.”
I laughed hard. “Are you serious? God, you just reminded me of when we used to go clubbing every weekend, messing around with different men. Those were crazy days. I miss that sometimes.”
“Miss what?” Sadie snapped. “Jess, do you know how many girls would kill to have your life? A husband who actually loves you? A child? Stability? Girl, what is there to miss? Be for real.”
“I know, I know,” I whispered. “Sometimes I just feel I’m not supposed to be a mom right now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful. I really am. But I don’t know. I’ve been feeling burned out. Taking care of David is a lot. And I can’t stop thinking about…”
Sadie paused. I heard footsteps. She must have moved somewhere quieter.
“What do you mean? Miss who?” Sadie snapped.
“Stefan.” His name left my mouth before I could stop it. “I know I shouldn’t. God knows I shouldn’t. But lately I can’t seem to stop thinking about what we had. I even dreamt—”
“Jessica, stop right there.” Sadie’s tone shifted, sharp and serious. “Stefan isn’t worth a damn thing. He hurt you. He played you. He used you. And Conrad treats you like a queen. The queen that you are. Don’t ruin what you have. I’m telling you again, any woman would kill to have your life.”
“I know,” I whispered. “Just ignore what I said. I’m tired. I dropped David off a few minutes ago. I’ll head home now.”
“Alright, babes. We’ll talk later. Love you.”
“Love you too,” I said, ending the call.
But as I set my phone down, the thought hit me again like a blow.
I just want to be fucked until I pass out. Was that too much to ask? Conrad had grown bored in bed—gentle, calm, predictable. It wasn’t how it used to be. Wild and crazy.
When I got home, the silence felt heavy. I walked to the dining table, opened the cabinet slowly, and pulled out a bottle of Hennessy. A small drink to clear my head or erase it.
One sip. Then two. Then four.
I picked up my secret diary in my room, the one Conrad didn’t know about, and began to write. Every thought. Every frustration. Every wild memory of Stefan. Every guilt-filled confession about how wrong it was to crave the past again.
I wrote until I felt drowsy and my body felt light, then I dozed off on the couch.
Morning came fast.
I heard movement—Conrad getting ready for work again. The clink of a belt buckle.
I stretched, still tired, and got up to start getting David ready for school.
A few minutes later, David walked down the stairs quickly to have his breakfast. I followed him, and that was when I noticed something that made my heart stop.
My diary.
On the couch.
Open.
And Conrad was standing right in front of it, reading.
His face was unrecognizable. Completely still. My heartbeat sounded like rumbling storms inside my ears.
Everything I wrote. Everything I hid.
Exposed.
He walked gradually towards me.
“We need to talk. Now,” he said.
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