CHAPTER ONE

I always knew something was wrong with me. I feel so perfect, yet I feel incomplete. I question my instinct about why I get rejected at every glance; I just knew immediately I wasn’t okay with where I am. Not the kind of wrong that people can see easily. Not like a scar or a limp, mine felt hidden-like something was waiting.

My life moves in sequence. It feels like my world has been written before I was even born. Because I never stayed in school for long, people stared at me like an alien. The way my world crumbles when I'm angry and leaves me shaking. I feel lonely even though I'm not alone.

And my mother? “I wish I had one.” She never explained anything.

“Mom.” I stood by the doorway of her room, watching her fold clothes like she always did, meticulously, as nothing in the world could disturb her.

She didn't look up. “Mom, really?”

I hesitated. My fingers tightened around the doorframe.

“Tell me about him.” That made her pause. Well, just for a second. Then she continued folding. 

“There’s nothing to tell…Nira.” Her reply came out tight and nasal, barely escaping her lips.

“You always say that,” I replied, stepping into the room.

“And I mean it,” she replied, hitting her feet to the ground.

“No, you don't; stop the pretense.” My voice came out sharper than I expected. “You just don't want to tell me.”

She finally looked at me. Her eyes were calm, and tears started welling… but something deep inside them flickered. Fear? Sadness? I couldn't tell.

“He died,” she said, avoiding eye contact.

I was numb, trying to swallow the saliva in my mouth before I could utter a word. “How?” 

“A long time ago.”

“That's not an answer.”

“Nira, that's the only information you need,” she replied, focusing on the clothes.

I laughed softly, but there was no humor in it. “So I'm just supposed to accept that? I don't even know what he looked like.”

“You look like him, Ni…”

“Then show me his picture or passport or obituary,” I interrupted, soaked with tears.

“I burnt all of it,” she said.

That shut me up for a moment. Then I stepped closer. “Why do people act like I’m…strange?” 

She was silent. A silence that was heavy and thick, like something was sitting between us.

“Nira, people are always strange; everyone is strange; they just envy your success,” she said finally. “That doesn't mean anything.”

“It does."My voice dropped. “I got expelled again.”

This time, she didn't hide her reaction. Her hands stopped completely. “What happened?”

I shrugged, trying to act like it didn't matter. “Same thing.”

“Explain,” she replied with a fixed glance.

I sighed and looked away. “A boy tried to start something annoying. I didn't even touch him, Mom. I swear. But he just…dropped. Like something hit him.”

Her eyes searched mine carefully. “And you didn't touch him?”

“No.”

“How is that even possible? Did you feel anything?" 

“What do you mean?” I asked, raising my brows.

“Anything at all. Anger, heat, pressure…”

“...I was just angry.”

“That's all.” Her lips pressed together. She nodded slowly, like she was thinking hard about something she wasn't saying. “You can't keep getting expelled,” she said quietly.

“Mom, I'm not doing it on purpose!”

“I know,” she said, pulling me in for a hug.

“Then why does it keep happening?” I snapped. “Why am I always the problem?”

She placed her hands on my shoulders. “You're not the problem; it wasn't your fault; maybe the boy was meant to drop; it was never you,” she said, trying to sound convincing.

“Go to your room; make sure you pray before you sleep. Everything will be fine,” she said, directing me to the door.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling, listening to the quiet hum of the fan, my mind running in circles. “My father is dead.” The statement never left my head. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I woke slowly, the warmth of the morning sun brushing against my face. A thin line of light slipped through the small gap in the curtain, stretching across the bed and landing softly on my eyes. I squinted, turning slightly, pulling the sheet closer for a second before letting out a quiet breath. I rolled onto my back and blinked a few times, my vision adjusting to the soft gold glow in the room. 

Out of habit, I brought my hands together, voice low and steady.

“Thank you, God, for today…” whispered words gently, almost carried away by the stillness surrounding me.

I was about to leave my bed when I saw a creature standing at my door. 

My mother was there. Standing by the door.Watching me like I was about to disappear after praying.

My breath caught instantly, my heart hammering against my chest. "M–Mom?” I said, I could barely whisper.

“Nira, you're such a scary kitty,” she said with humor.

“What are you doing in my room, so early?”

“I came to give you good news; I never knew you still do your morning prayers,”  she said, patting Nira’s head.

“I'm listening…” I replied, relaxing my back.

“There’s a new school.” Mother said, with a big smile on her face.

“Already?” raising an eyebrow.

 Mother handed a paper. The name at the top looks archaic. The address looks unfamiliar. Something about this school just feels abandoned. She noticed I was really uncomfortable with it.

“I know.”

“Why that one?”

 “I feel they will acknowledge and welcome you; it is really a good place according to history.”

“It’s… different?” 

“You’ll see. When you get there, you will be glad you went there.”

12years of living with my mother, and her words never sound like a lie. But on this particular day, I felt my mother wasn't genuine, and she wanted to abandon me in this particular school. At the same time, I wanted to give it a try, maybe this could be my opportunity to achieve my dreams. I was bittersweet; this is the first time I will be separated from my mum for boarding school. I forgot all my challenges and decided to give it a try.