The price of desperation

Lucia's pov

The envelope found refuge in my lap like a living being. Thick. Foreboding. Still unopened but pulling me in like a siren.

I had scrutinized it the whole drive back to hope general, never once mustering up the bravery to unseal it.

It was way past midnight by now.

Sophia was knocked out - or perhaps sleeping, I couldn't say for sure anymore.

I sat in hope general's waiting lobby under the fluctuating fluorescent lights all by myself. My tea had grown cold as it remained untouched by me. My body was uneasy as my gut twisted into knots that were not formed by hunger.

My hands rattled as I finally ripped open the dreaded envelope.

First came the terms and conditions.

Standard legal font,but the words were anything but standard.

“You are to leave behind all claims to anonymity and privacy.”

“The donor must strive to meet all the important physical needs to the recipient’s legal preferences.”

“Mental and physical examinations will determine fitness though there's no compensation guarantee if compatibility is negative.”

Then came the icing on the fucked up cake of a contract.

“When acquisition is a success, the donor will have to pass through an eight month no contact medical process. Outside contact is strictly forbidden. Monetary compensation will be fully paid upon seamless delivery.”

Delivery?

I almost gagged from the repulsion I felt. This wasn't egg donation. It was surrogacy gone wrong and after reading this I wanted no part of this.

It was also eight months of captivity with no contact to the outside world and what felt like a gnarly sale of my body to heaven knows who.

I went through it again and it was a colossal shit show.

Eight months away from her.

Eight months without seeing her face or holding her hand, not certain if she'd still be alive when I got back.

“Never,” I snarled loudly, crumpling up the paper in my fists.

I shoved it back into it's envelope, squeezed the entire thing right into my bag and got up fast - a little too fast as the world around me shifted and blurred for a minute. I guess my body and brain weren't used to such intense lack of sleep and emotional hell at the same damn time. But I'd find balance.

And I would look for a different way.

I had to.

I returned to the somewhat sketchy clinic the next morning. Determined,Focused and nearly dead on my feet but still standing.

The same receptionist woman from yesterday stared me down warily, “Did you have a change of heart about the envelope, girl?”

“Yes,” I said with a hardened voice.

“I would prefer to do it the safer way. Egg donation. Medical. Legal and ethical.”

She gave me a form to fill, then directed me towards the screening room.

I paced around the room for over two hours before the doctor came in.

A tall man with black rimmed glasses and a twitchy brow.

“We've looked over your blood work and ultrasound,” he told me,shuffling through some papers. “There's a problem.”

My heart sank. “What is it?”

“Your hormones are in less than ideal condition. AMH and FSH suggest shrinking ovarian reserves. Not surprising though, because you've been under stress and weight fluctuations. Also your body mass index is too low.”

“So what you're saying is I'm not fit for this, right?” I said, trying to keep my tears from spilling.

“No you're not. This is to say that no clinic will pay you upfront. Only upon completion of the process if any viable eggs are retrieved but no guarantees.”

“So I'm just supposed to go through the injections, the pain and everything all to leave it to the mere chance that I might be compensated?” My voice cracked now.

“Unfortunately. Yes. And given your current…situation, it's not something I'd bet on if I were you.”

He could have just slammed a door on my last rays of hope.

I left the clinic, trying to adjust my eyes to the early morning sunlight rays.

The city moved past me as if all was well, as if my world wasn't dramatically changing for the worst.

Back at hope general, I collapsed in another chair in the ward and took a long hard look at Sophia's monitors.

The beeping was rhythmic again. Normal. But the right kind of normal didn't apply here anymore.

I covered my face with my palms and wept bitterly.

A wave of Despair washed over me.

I thought I was tough.

I thought I could figure it out on my own.

But how much more could I take before I gave up once and for all.

A voice in my mind whispered something I didn't feel like hearing. Probably out of desperation.

Lucas.

I recoiled as if I'd been hit.

Lucas could surely do something about this.

No. No. Not at all. Never. I shouldn't. I wouldn't.

Hell, I didn't even know how to reach him. He'd vanished after paying Sophia's bills. Like smoke. The only lead he left was the paid hospital records for Sophia.

I knew only his name, not his number or anything else. Just the memory of his rather handsome face and charming smile. The smile of a man that knew so much but said too little.

I couldn't ask him for help again. It was impossible and besides the first time didn't even count as me asking. He just helped on his own. For reasons I still can't understand.

No. I decided not to give this more thought. Just because I was in trouble doesn't mean I would depend on someone I can't even reach.

I just needed some insane miracle and time.

I decided to leave the ward again but this time my head was pounding from all the stress but I shook it off.

I walked to the hospital chapel in the corner path

Creepy altar and candlelight.

I didn't pray - I hadn't prayed in years - I sat but I let my mind wander as I questioned myself in ways more hurtful than childbirth could ever be.

What monster was I going to turn into just to keep breath in my sister's lungs?

A creepy stranger's egg toy? A beggar?

And if I did that could I still live with myself?

Could I still be Lucia moretti then?

eyes watering, I held on to the side of the bench.

But the foolish voice returned.

Lucas…it whispered louder.

I bit my tongue so hard it bled.

I shouldn't even be thinking like this.

At least not until I had run out of options.

But just maybe I was going to need him sooner than I wanted.

Returning to the ward, a nurse scrambled past me with a clipboard. The second she saw me, she stopped.

“Miss Lucia?”

I turned. “Yes?”

I need you to follow me. It's regarding your sister.”

I took a deep breath before tagging along in confusion.

Upon entering Sophia's ward, two doctors were already present.

The monitor beeped very slowly. More slowly than I'd ever heard.

Dr Roman shot me a stern look laced with extreme pity.

“She's slipping faster than we thought. The clock has been moved forward.”

“What does that mean, doctor?”

I asked bracing myself for the worst.

“It means,” he said in a low voice, “you may not have three weeks left.”

I felt lightheaded as I gripped the bed.

Sophia's face was pale with a bluish hue. Her lips moved, making incoherent whispers. Her eyelids fought to stay open.

“We'll do all we possibly can, but sincerely we hope you figure this out,” he finished.

I barely registered his words.

Because all my mind could register was one dreadful truth.

I was running out of time.