They say motherhood puts a glow on your face.But I didn't glow—I sweated, I sobbed, and I wore exhaustion like a second skin.It was when Ethan was three months old that I acquired my first real job as a cleaner. It wasn't glamorous. It wasn't even safe. It was, however, the best I could find that did not require a degree or overlook the baby slung over my shoulder at job interviews.The tower was one of those gleaming skyscrapers smack dab in the middle of downtown Houston—the kind of building that reeked of imported air freshener and marble sheen. I didn't sweep the boardrooms or the penthouses. No. My hands were confined to the stairwells, the basement garage, and the bathrooms where the stench of urine and bleach wrestled for dominance.I arrived at the office every morning at 6:30 AM, my uniform stretched at my post-pregnancy waist, my shoes worn out. I would drop Ethan off at the apartment of a neighbor, a kindly older woman named Mama Jo who barely charged me anything because
I never allowed the pain to be so loud. Not just physical pain, but the sharp, clawing kind that rips through your inwards, but the kind that whispers constantly in your observance. You’re alone, you’re unworthy. You’re about to bring a child into a world that doesn’t want either of you.It was a Tuesday morning. The sky was shining and full of shadows, as if it too were holding something outside. I woke up to a cramp that arched my entire rear off the bed. I assumed it was the familiar pain that had followed me into my ninth month like an unwanted caller. But when I got up from bed, I felt a stuffiness teardrop down my shanks.My water had broken.I was shocked."Kattie!" I screamed, gripping the rustic rail of the bed as another compression clamped down on my chin like a vice.She wheeled out of there.She had left beforehand to support her manager!We were two months in arrears with rent and had a list of baby particulars we could not let go of.Another compression struck, and I co
They inform you that gestation is supposed to be this beautiful thing. Someone who never walked in my shoes told me that. For me, it was not a rosy cheek and joyous expectation. It was terror, a creeping, inviting terror that burrowed under my skin and made every one of my breaths espouse. I knew I was pregnant two weeks after I buried my mama. I flash back to the test strip shaking in my hand, the pale red lines growing dark as if mocking me. The illness wasn't a morning sickness — it was fear churning in my stomach. I was eighteen, out of work, nameless, and now I would be someone's mama. It was just one night. One hopeless night, one deal, one body paid for stopgap — and the man who gave me the plutocrat dissolved like a bank. Damien– a name I vaguely recalled. I didn't retain the surname. Only a large presence and cold eyes that visited my agonies. I leaned against the restroom wall, back against it, gobbling and exhaling like I'd learned in some composition
The ground beneath my bases creaked as if it would break and gulf me in one snap. My mama was gone. The form was over. The murmurs had stopped, but the judgments hung around like banks that refused to clear.I stood before our apartment, this same gravel cinch gripped in pulsing hands, gaping at the empty space where Mama's presence had towered. No steps down the hallways, no climate of her favorite radio dominie growling through the walls. Silence. Heavy. Complicating.Inside, the air was heavy with the smell of dry incense and unshed tears. I sat on the same faded seat she would sit and plait my hair as a child. My eyes drifted to her print on the wall — still smiling, still full of life, still alive in that moment, suspended in time.I was about to lose myself each over again when a loud knock snapped me out of it."Sophie, open the door," Mrs. Adeyemi's voice was heard. I moaned, rising sluggishly.As I opened the door, her eyes darted first to my belly, then to my face."Hmph,
The next day, I woke up with the cold wind blowing on my window. The house was quiet, empty of life—just like me. The silence of my mother was crushing; it all felt dreamy—an agonizing emptiness that permeated into my bones. I clutched the thin blanket around me, praying and hoping it was all just a nightmare. If I could just hold my eyes shut long enough, I'd wake up to the aroma of her morning tea wafting through the air. But the silence existed; the pain existed, too. With a searing knife lodged in my chest, the words of the doctor lingered in my head. "Sophia, I am sorry, your mother's health is extremely poor. She must be treated right away if she is to live." I closed my eyes tightly, trying to forget the incident, but it flashed back in waves. The sum of 10,000 dollars is payable for an urgent surgery. Late payment will take your mother's life." "No, Doctor!" I had cried out, panicked, and trembled. "I will pay for the money, please. My mom's life is important to me. D
"Wake up, Mother!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. My voice cracked as I held the cold hands of my mother and shook her softly. "I'm here! I've brought the money with me! Mother, wake up!"There was silence in the room.The beeping machines had stopped. The doctors and nurses stood stock still, their faces filled with pity. No one moved, no one sprang forward to help.I clutched the lapel of the doctor's apron frantically. "What do you just stand there for? I have the money now—look! Here's the $10,000 you insisted upon to save my mother's life! Do something!"His face was unreadable. His eyes flashed with something I did not want to see—the end."Miss Carter…" his voice was gentle, but I didn't want gentleness. All I ever desired was my mother."No!" I shook my head frantically, clinging to my mother's hand as if my alone could compel her back. "Doctor, do something! See—she's speaking to me! She's breathing, she's clinging! You must try—""Sorry," he said to me, and those two word