Chapter 2: the weight of guilt

The Weight of Guilt

My head felt heavy and throbbed hard, vibrating with an insistent, sharp ache that was entirely separate from the alcohol. It stemmed from the memory of a complete, reckless night. My mouth was sandpaper, my tongue thick and clumsy.

Where am I?

My vision fought to clear, battling the bright morning invasion. I was exposed, wrapped in bedding that felt like silk. The natural light flooding the space through towering glass panels offered a blinding, overwhelming view of Manhattan. 

This wasn't the cozy, brick-lined familiarity of my Brooklyn walk-up. This was the terrifying place of power, a view usually reserved for glossy financial reports.

Panic ripped through the hangover fog. I tried to push up, but my torso screamed in complaint. Every muscle felt tender, thoroughly used, and shamefully, pleasantly exhausted. 

I lifted a shaky hand to shield my eyes, and that’s when I registered him.

He was still there. A sprawling, overwhelming presence resting beside me.

No. God, no.

My heart seized, slamming against my ribs with force. He lay on his back, the dark, detailed ink I remembered, covering his shoulder and descending his arm. He was intimidatingly, flawlessly male.

He stirred, tilting his head slightly away from the light. A low, ragged sigh of complete, heavy slumber escaped his lips.

That sound. That simple sound. It was the trigger.

The gates of my memory burst open, washing away the alcoholic haze and replacing it with sharp recollections of the night before.

He hadn't been kind. He hadn't needed permission. “look at me, Leo,” he’d commanded, his voice a low, rough rumble against my ear as he stripped me down. 

I hadn't dared to ask how he knew it. I hadn't dared to make a sound at all, not while his touch was everywhere. He’d pressed me against the cold window. "You asked for this," he'd murmured, his breath hot against my skin.

I shut my eyes hard, swallowing a desperate whimper of pure terror. It was all real. Every moment was real.

I had to escape. Before he awoke. Before he could demand conversation, or another minute of my time.

A rush of adrenaline coursed through me, and I slid cautiously from the bed. My limbs were weak, but I grabbed the nearest item of clothing, a dark shirt, pulling it over my head. It carried his scent: smoke, aged leather, and undeniable authority.

I snatched my own clothes and silently fled the suite. I refused to look back, even as I reached the door.

The apartment remained hushed. I found the main hallway and the elevator, my heart hammering a violent rhythm. I held my breath until the doors hissed shut, separating me from the most dangerous and utterly undeniable mistake of my twenty-two years.

*******

My hands trembled violently as I attempted to hold a fine-tipped brush steady over a recent canvas. The oil paint before me looked chaotic, a perfect reflection of my interior state. My cell phone rang, making me jump so badly the brush skittered.

“Hullo?” I answered, trying to sound okay.

“Leo Vance! I’ve been sending you texts for hours. What happened after you ditched me? Did you locate a safe ride home?” Sasha’s voice crackled, blending concern with curiosity.

I leaned heavily against my easel. “I found more than a ride, Sasha.”

The line went quiet for a moment. “Wait. Pause. Did you actually… spend the night with a complete stranger?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Oh, my God, Leo! You did it! You finally let go! Was it… a legend? Spill every detail!”

“It wasn't a legend, Sasha. It was… frightening. And yes. It occurred.” I took a shuddering breath. “I’m not a virgin anymore.”

Sasha let out a shriek so loud I winced and held the phone away. “FINALLY! I knew that repressed energy had to go somewhere! See? All you required was a mystery soul to break through that shell! Did you get any number? Is there going to be a round two?”

“I don’t know his identity, Sasha,” I admitted, closing my eyes. “And no. There was no discussion. He was… controlling. Overbearing. And I wanted it, I wanted all he had to offer.”

“Wow. Okay, that’s intense,” Sasha said, her voice dropping, sensing the raw panic in mine. “But you’re safe, right? No pressure, no obligations. Just a wild, consequence-free night?” 

For a minute there I was shocked she did not question me about my words, the use of ‘He’, instead of ‘She’. Is it that obvious?

“Yes. Just one night. It’s closed. It never occurred.” I tried to sound alright, but the persistent ache in my body gave away the lie. “I just… I needed to confess. I feel like I’ve breached a moral code.”

“You didn’t breach a code, sweetie. You let yourself explore something new. Now, lock that memory away, and let’s focus on the next social challenge: meeting the billionaire step-family tonight.”

“Right. The Volkov family dinner. Mission: Pretend To Be Normal confirmed.”

Sasha paused. “Look, before we get to the Volkovs... Can I ask something genuinely intrusive?”

"Go ahead," I sighed.

“It was a guy, right? A man. And you enjoyed it so much. You’re twenty-two. You’ve never dated. You’ve never let yourself even get close to a woman. Have you ever truly desired a girlfriend? Have you ever... felt this way for a girl?”

My chest tightened, a familiar, painful coil of fear and denial. Don’t say it. Don’t let her put a name to the monster.

“That’s completely different,” I said, my voice sharp and cold. “This was chaos. This was male-on-male physicality fueled by stress and three gin and tonics. It means nothing about my actual preferences. I was high, Sasha. I was running away from my life and everything else. It was a mistake.”

“Leo, that is the most stupid denial I’ve ever heard. You don’t lose your identity because of a couple of drinks, you lose your inhibition.”

“I’m not discussing this further,” I snapped, moving back to my easel. “It happened, it’s done. I am going to forget that face, that touch, and that… that error. I’m not like that. I’m just an artist with anxiety.”

Sasha was quiet for a long moment. “Fine. But if you’re going to be in denial, at least let me tell you to wear the expensive suit. Look wealthy. And use that dark fire in your eyes to blind your stepfather. You’re better than this mess.”

I managed a weak, reluctant laugh. “I’ll try. Speak later.” 

*****

I was attempting to carefully apply a calming layer of moisturizer when my mother called. I inspected my reflection. The charcoal grey suit was simple, elegant, and the best I could do.

“Leo, darling! Just confirming! Arthur and I are in the car, and we're nearly there. Are you on your way?” My mum sounded happy, radiating a mix of joy and mounting nerves.

“Yes Mom. Just securing a cab now.” I picked my keys.

“Oh, fantastic! Arthur is so excited to finally have everyone together. He says the boys should be home shortly from the firm. They’re such dedicated workers, you know. But so fiercely loyal to family.”

“That's wonderful, Mom. So, it’s just a small gathering? Arthur and his two sons?” I asked, hoping the restrained formality would change the awkwardness.

“Yes, darling! Just us. Dmitri and Ivan. They’re twins, you know! They manage everything, Leo, they’re utterly ruthless in business, but such magnetic, sophisticated young men. Arthur says they are both the most revered and feared men in Manhattan right now. You’ve probably seen their portraits everywhere.”

Twins. Feared. Revered. Volkov. The words registered, but they remained unknown, belonging to a world of finance and power that felt disconnected from my reality. I focused only on the meal, and the overwhelming pressure to perform as the quiet, respectable son.

“I’m sure I have. Well, I’ll try not to bore them with my canvas talk,” I said lightly.

“Nonsense! Arthur says they appreciate artistry. They inhabit that breathtaking penthouse, you know, high up in Volkov Tower!” Eleanor gushed.

A faint shiver of unease ran down my spine, a muted echo of the morning's intense panic, but I dismissed it immediately. Every billionaire inhabits a tower. Every one of them has a breathtaking view.

“I can’t wait, Mom. See you later.”

I ended the call. Clutching my keys tightly, I exited my quiet apartment and stepped into the vehicle, beginning the journey toward the dazzling, perilous lights of Volkov Tower. I was clean, dressed, and prepared to face my new existence.

I had no idea I was about to wal

k directly into the jaws of the man I had just run from.