Chapter 4 Freedom and Changes

Daniel said to Lukas, “If they call you my bitch, you say you’re my bitch.” A hot whisper against his ear as the firm, muscular body pressed against him from behind. “You’re my thing, Blue Eyes. Remember that. My thing.”

Lukas woke up with a start and stared at the ceiling in confusion for a moment before recalling where he was. His bedroom. Right. He was no longer in prison. It was over. He was free. He was free of him. A quiet snoring right beside him made Lukas turn his head.

Lyra was sleeping by his side, her pretty face peaceful and her porcelain-like skin glowing in the moonlight coming from the window. It was over. It was over. Lukas repeated it for the next few minutes, but it was useless: he was still tense and alert, in more ways than one. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to match his girlfriend’s breathing. It didn’t work. Maybe Lyra was right and he really needed to see a therapist after all.

“It was a traumatic experience for you,” she had said only the other day. “A psychologist will help you, love.”

A traumatic experience. Lukas’s lips twisted. She didn’t know the half of it, though sometimes he wondered if she suspected something. Lyra had never asked, but she wasn’t stupid. Given his...problems, she probably suspected something had been done to him in prison. She probably thought he had been raped.

A harsh chuckle left Lukas’s throat. If only she knew. Even thinking about Lyra’s expression if she ever found out... It made his face burn with shame and embarrassment. He had never considered himself homophobic and had been of the opinion that there was nothing wrong with being gay; it had just nothing to do with him. He’d always known he was straight. What would his mom think if she was still alive?

Lukas swallowed hard. It’d been almost a year since she’d died, he was still in prison at the time and the pain had dulled, but at moments like these, solitary, lonely moments, he missed her. Sighing, Lukas turned onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillow. He closed his eyes and tried to count his breathing, tried to focus on how many breaths he was taking in and out. It didn’t work. The pillow was too soft. The mattress was too soft. The room was too warm. Dammit.

A year. He had been in prison only for a year, but everything, his freedom, Lyra, their relationship still felt surreal. Sometimes, it felt like his surroundings would disappear any moment and would be replaced with a tiny, cold cell and a heavy, possessive arm slung over his stomach. Lukas swore under his breath. No. He wouldn’t think about it. Wouldn’t think about him. It was over. He was normal again. He was.

Lyra was very beautiful, curvy in all the right places and slender everywhere else. She would make any red-blooded man’s mouth water. Yet once again, Lukas found himself turning away and looking at his soft dick in dismay. He sat up and ran a hand over his face.

“Sorry.”

Behind him, Lyra heaved a sigh. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he said, rolling off the bed. His face red with mortification and his back to her, he pulled on his shorts. He couldn’t look at her.

“I really think you need to see a therapist,” she said carefully.

He hated that tone. She treated him as though he was a very sick person. Maybe he was. “I don’t need a therapist,” Lukas bit out.

“Be reasonable,” she said. “It’s been five months, but you clearly still have problems. I’m not even talking about...this. You keep pushing me away. I have to ask you if I can stay for the night!

You barely sleep, and when you do, I’ve seen you moan in your sleep, as though you’re in pain. You don’t talk to me. Half of the time you’re so distant it feels like you aren’t even here!”

Lukas snapped, “If I suck so much, why are you still here?”

Silence followed his words. “Do you want me to leave you alone? Is that what you want?”

Sighing, Lukas turned around and walked to her. “I’m sorry,” he said, wrapping his arms around her. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. You know I love you.”

He pressed his face against her sweet-smelling hair and closed his eyes. She was so soft in his arms. So small. So fragile. So wrong, a voice whispered in the back of his mind. Lukas bit his lip hard and opened his eyes. “I’ll see a therapist.”

XXX

“Tell me about him.” Dr. Richardson’s voice was pleasant and friendly. Lukas wondered if it was part of her training. Probably.

“Who?” he said, looking at his hands.

“Daniel. The man you shared a cell with. What was your relationship like?”

Lukas shrugged with one shoulder, still eyeing his hands. “Normal enough, I guess.”

Dr. Richardson sighed. “Lukas, you have to be honest with me. There’s no point in your coming to see me if you are not. I’m here to help you. Anything you tell me stays in this room.”

Lukas glanced at her. The woman’s gray eyes met his. She seemed sincere enough. “You really won’t tell my girlfriend anything?”

“I won’t. In my line of work, trust is extremely important. I would never betray doctor-patient confidentiality. Now, please tell me about Daniel.”

Lukas looked back at his hands. “What do you want to know?”

“Did you have sexual relations with him?”

Lukas licked his lips. “How did you guess?” he muttered.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed.” Dr. Myrna Richardson’s voice was sympathetic. “I would have been more surprised if something like that didn’t happen to you, considering your physical appearance.”

Lukas let out a short laugh. “Thanks?”

“There really is nothing to be ashamed of. Studies show that at least twenty percent of inmates are pressured into sexual relations. The figure is most likely much higher, most inmates simply don’t admit it, fearing that it will ruin them if anyone finds out.”

Lukas continued looking at his hands. Dr. Richardson sighed again. “Very well. Please describe Daniel using three words.”

“Asshole,” Lukas said. “Confident. Big.” He frowned. “Though he isn’t really that big. I’m not sure why I said that. Sure, he’s tall and fit, but he isn’t built like a tank.”

She noted something in her notebook. “Would you say you hate him?”

Lukas chuckled. “What do you think? Of course I hated him. He, he turned me into...into his thing. And everyone knew.” He clenched his fingers into fists. Silence. Lukas couldn’t bring himself to look at the therapist.

“Lukas,” she said at last. “I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to know that I’m not trying to offend you. Regardless of your answer, it won’t change anything.”

He didn’t like it already. “Fine. Ask away.”

“Did you find sex with your cellmate physically enjoyable?”

Lukas sucked a breath in. “I’m straight.”

“That’s not what I asked,” she said gently. “If one’s partner is experienced, sexual intercourse can be enjoyable regardless of one’s sexuality.”

“It... it wasn’t terrible, I guess.”

“Have you ever achieved orgasm with him?”

Lukas looked aside, and then at the window, and then at the bookcase. “Yeah,” he said, awkwardly.

“So he was a considerate sexual partner?”

“Not really.”

There was silence as she processed his words.

“You mean he was rough with you, but you still experienced an orgasm?”

“Does it matter?” Lukas said, his face aflame.

Dr. Richardson studied him for a moment. “Very well, we will not talk about it this time if you don’t want to. Let’s talk about your girlfriend.”

“Lyra? What about her?”

“Do you love her?”

“Of course,” Lukas said quickly. “We’ve been together for years.”

Dr. Richardson’s gaze unnerved him a bit. “Have you had sex with your girlfriend since you were released from prison?”

Lukas fidgeted. “Yeah, sure.”

“Is it as satisfying as before?”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just a simple question. Please answer it truthfully. I won’t judge you.”

Lukas hesitated. “It’s okay enough,” he said awkwardly. “But...” The doctor waited patiently. “But it feels off,” Lukas finished, without looking at her.

“Off?”

“I feel like... like something is missing.”

“Could you elaborate, please?” Her calm, professional tone helped him.

“It feels wrong to be the..the… I mean, it’s just, she expects me to initiate sex, do all the work and pleasure her, but...” He trailed off, too embarrassed to finish.

“But you have become accustomed to being on the receiving end,” Dr. Richardson finished for him.

Lukas cringed. At least she hadn’t said he’d gotten used to having a dick in him when he came. “Yeah,” he said reluctantly, looking down.

Her tone was careful as she said, “I think you should talk about the problem with your girlfriend. Perhaps she would be willing to take a more aggressive role.”

Lukas was pretty sure even his ears were red now. “Aren’t you supposed to cure me instead of giving advice like that?”

“Sexual preferences can’t be ‘cured.’ Wanting a more submissive role in sex is not wrong. Your sexual preferences simply appear to have changed.”

Lukas gripped his thigh with his fingers. “All right. I’ll talk to Lyra.” He stood up.

She smiled. “I’ll see you in a week, Lukas.”