SANDRA
I rolled over, wincing at the light coming in through the curtains. How much did I drink last night? Too much, clearly.
“Good morning, sunshine!” Kayle shouted and kicked the dorm room door shut.
“Nope, not over here.” I buried back under my covers.
“I have coffee and muffins!” She pulled the covers down and I groaned, opening my eyes.
“Why? Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do I feel like I just got run over by a herd of wildebeest?”
“One, I have no idea what a wilder beast is, and two, it's called a hangover.” Kayle held out a Starbucks take-out cup and my favorite blueberry muffin.
I sat up and took them from her. “Thank you. Why are you not feeling this way?”
“I'm one of the lucky ones.” She snickered and chucked herself on her bed. “I don't get hangovers. You, however, do, it seems. Maggie is the same. She'd usually be in bed all day.”
“Sounds good to me.” I took a sip of the coffee.
“But not today,” she sang. “Today we're getting down to business.”
“Down to business?”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “Do you remember our deal last night? Your mission, Ms. Bond?”
Ah. Play The Player. “I thought we were joking.”
“When have I ever joked about anything as serious as sex?”
“Fine, fine.” I gave in and sigh. “What do you mean, down to business?”
“We need to draw up a plan of attack!” She crossed her legs, Indian-style, and bounced twice on the bed.
“A plan of attack,” I repeated dumbly.
“Uh, duh! You think we can go into this blind? Oh no, honey.” She shook her head. “Jack has got more charm than the Irish leprechauns-”
“Which don't exist.”
“And that means he's dangerous. You're trying to make him fall in love with you, yet if he lays it on thick you could end up falling in love with him.”
“There would be no hump and dump, which would defeat the object of Play The Player.” I sighed.
“Precisely!” She clapped once. “So we need to figure out a fool-proof plan that ensures while he's losing his heart, you aren't losing yours. Because that would just be disastrous.”
“Kayle, I don't know.” I sighed again. “Jack Clove doesn't fall in love. If he has a rulebook, that's it, right above the rule that says rules are for losers. I have a month to do this, right? I just don't know how it's possible.”
“Nothing is impossible if you believe in it enough.”
“But I don't know if I believe in it.”
“You will,” she said confidently. “You will.”
“I hope you're right,” I replied. “Because this is looking like a fail before it's even started.”
“Knock knock on your cock,” Leila opened the door and Maggie followed her in, a large roll of paper and marker pens tucked under her arm.
“What is that?” I asked, taking it in.
“Operation Play The Player,” Maggie answered, sitting on the floor between our beds. She unrolled the paper, uses two books to hold it flat and wrote 'OPTP – Operation Play The Player' at the top of the sheet.
I shook my head in disbelief. Am I actually doing this? I was under the impression that college meant growing up, but I was wrong. I felt like I was thirteen again and trying to trick my lifetime crush into admitting he's crushing on me too.
“Stop shakin' your head.” Leila jumped up on my bed next to me. “It's gonna be okay. You can do this.”
“You guys do realize that in terms of love and relationships, a month is short, right? And in terms of Jack Clove, a month is a lifetime?” I questioned. “Who says he won't get bored after a week and go and find one of his floozies to warm his bed?”
“You have to stop him from doing that,” Maggie said softly. “You have to make him never want to leave your side. I give you a week to reel him in, get him interested, and then this is in the bag.”
“A week?”
“If you can get him to be by your side in a week, he'll fall in love in three,” she clarified, uncapping a blue pen. “Stage one. Attachment.” She jotted it down on the paper, giving me until next Sunday.
“Hold up, this isn't even starting until tomorrow!”
“Wrong.” Kayle shook her head.
Leila nodded in agreement with Kayle. “The guys are having a football game in the yard of the sophmore house later. We're all heading down there.”
I huffed. “Fine. It starts tonight.”
Maggie flashed me a grin, green pen in hand. “Stage two, next week, is Public Appreciation and Attachment.”
“Which translates to what, in my terms?” I frowned.
“Hand holding, public kissing, exclusivity.”
I snorted. “You guys have a hell of a lot of faith in me, you know.”
“Stage three, week three,” Kayle continued. “Almost Sex and Public Knowledge Relationship.”
“Everyone will know?”
“Well, yeah.” Leila raised an eyebrow at me. “Humping and dumping will be so much more satisfying if everyone we know, and then some, knows.”
“It seems a little... Harsh.”
“You have to be cruel to be kind, baby girl,” Kayle said.
“They're right,” Maggie agreed without looking up from the paper. “I don't much like the idea of hurtin' him, but he needs to sort his head out. If he's this bad five weeks into college, I dread what he's gonna be like in two years. He needs to get a clear message and soon.”
“Why not just talk to him?” I tried. “Why go to extreme measures?”
“Because Jack Clove only understands things in extremities.”
“Okay, so say this works.” I tapped my finger against the bed. “And he does fall in love with me. I'll hump and dump him and then what? You know he won't leave it. He'll fight to get me back. What do I do then?”
Everyone stopped, and Maggie sat back, putting the end of the pen in her mouth. Kayle tilted her head to the side, and Leila chewed her thumbnail.
“I didn't think about that,” Maggie said quietly. “If Jack has one thing going for him-”
“Besides the obvious?” Leila snickered.
“Besides the obvious.” Maggie smirked. “It's that he goes after what he wants. Girls, I hate to say it, but Sandra has a point. If he falls in love with her and she walks away, he'll go bat shit crazy trying to get her back. He won't let her go easily. If at all.”
My eyes widened.
“But what if Sandra falls in love with him?” Leila asked. “What if she can't hump him and dump him?”
“Please.” I shook my head. “Jack embodies everything I hate. He's arrogant, egotistical, and a pig. I'm not likely to fall in love with that.”
“But he's also funny, really caring, and beneath his man slut exterior, he's the kind of guy you'd take home to meet your mom.” Maggie sighed. “I know him, Sandra. If he wants something he'll do whatever it takes.”
“So we remind her every day of why she hates him.” Kayle shrugged.
“It might not be enough.”
“It will be,” I replied firmly. “It will be.”
“Okay, back to the original issue. If he falls in love.” Leila rocked back and forwards, swinging her legs.
“Then we deal with that when it gets here.” Kayle shrugged. “I don't know what else we can do.”
Ugh. “Okay, what's the last stage?” I asked.
“Stage Four, Hump and Dump.” Maggie wrote it and underlined it with a flourish. “I don't think I need to elaborate on that one.”
“No,” I agreed. “You don't need to.”
I looked over her shoulder at the colorful piece of paper on the floor. It was split into four, color coordinated, and every stage was explained. I sighed, wondering what the hell I had let them talk me into this time.
