Tangled Desire: My Daddy, My Professor

Do you know what it feels like?....

I suppose some of you would know but the rest of you…I doubt it! Do not get me wrong , this story is not like your ordinary love story – it is not a romance novel to begin with…But I guess every sad story begins with a heartache. Every broken heart was caused by some type of action that shattered it into a million pieces – every person has a reason as to why they act the way they do.

Have you ever?....

Have you ever looked around and be constantly reminded of that someone? Looked back and feel your heart shatter , over and over again when you see that person in your memory – someone you have now lost? Have you ever cried knowing that that person will never come back – no matter how much you try? Ever sat up at night , praying to the Lord above for some kind of guidance to get them back – but even that too does not help?

You see….

I lost someone too , someone I did not appreciate enough. Only when I had lost that person , did I realize how much that person meant to me. Someone I had not taken any notice to – until that person was gone. I never realized how much that person helped me , how that person had my back in every situation. She celebrated my victory and had my back during my failures. She kept me morally grounded , helped me fight against my problems. She kept me away from danger every single time. I never thought  that losing her were possible because having my back was something she did without thinking , without even knowing.

Now that she is gone…

Life is so tough. Life beats on me , like a bully beating up his fellow classmate in school. With every punch , with every blow – my light begins to fade. With every kick to my stomach , my mind takes me back to her. If only she was her – if only I had held on tight to her. If only I had listened to her warning , I would be okay at this very moment. Instead of sobbing while writing in this journal , I would have been fast asleep peacefully having my ninth dream – if only I had listened to her.

Each day , I wake up with a mission – a mission to search for her. I will search high and low , I will search from east to west , I will search until I can no more…and as I return to bed , slipping under the covers – I shiver with that emptiness I feel without her. My feet aches and so does my head and my heart – so my sadness leaks down my face as it takes the form of tears. Though I search her faithfully, my head knows that I will cross paths with her again. Nevertheless, my heart continues to fight , continues to hope that one day I will find her.

You see…the girl that I had lost was no ordinary girl. Sure she had her flaws but they were beautiful. She was so innocent yet strong – her eyes lit up with hope , love and joy. I do not think that I will ever find another like her.

She was different…

The girl I lost was….me