One

PHOENIX

TWO YEARS LATER...

I stood in front of the hospital ward, wriggling my fingers, my shot nerves present. My heart beat erratically, sounding like a mad drum under the hands of a drunk drummer.

I trembled.

I was beyond nervous.

I bounced on my feet, my body convulsing with nerves as I breathed in deeply, trying to reign in my wandering thoughts. I began to count in my head, trying to calm my quivering nerves when a throat, clearing in the distance, snapped me out of my reverie.

I turned to see sparkling sea blue eyes stare back at me.

Dr. Ashley.

She beamed at me, her eccentric deep blue eyes gleaming with undisguised ardor as she pulled me into her arms, her warm embrace. Her sumptuous strawberry fragrance enveloped me and I greedily breathed in deeply, putting an abrupt stop to my quivering nerves.

She had that calming and soothing effect on people.

'Phoenix! Good to see you. I take you are here to see Katerine' she said with a big smile on her face, the edges of her blue eyes wrinkling in delight.

I smiled fondly at my childhood memories of her, her happiness and warmth washing over me.

Aunt Ashley was my mom's best friend.

'Yes Aunt Ash. I just thought I would drop by and bring her breakfast' I replied her gingerly. She nodded with understanding, her black permed locks bouncing feverishly as she looked at me with raw feeling.

'Sure dear, just make sure no one see you with the food. The hospital also has its own rules you know' she whispered conspiratorially, her perfectly carved eyebrows wrinkling together in amusement.

I smiled at her, forgetting how long it had been since I last smiled. My face fell when I remembered the exact reason why I was here.

'How is mom doing' I asked even though I already knew the answer. Aunt Ash frowned, her smile evaporating into thin air. My heart dropped and raced with dread.

'Still the same dear. We are trying our best though' and as soon as she saw the crest fallen look on my face, she added, trying to lift my spirits

'I will notify you as soon as anything changes' she mused. I gave her a sad, defeated smile.

'Why don't you go in and see her' She continued with what I thought was pity in her eyes.

No

My heart began to beat erratically, almost deafeningly. I nodded at her, my heart sinking with dread and despair.

I walked into the hospital ward and my breath got knocked out of me.

Tears gathered in my eyes as I saw my mom lying on the bed unmoving. Her honey brown hair that usually looked slick, shiny and lush, now lay frizzy, falling down her pillow in waves.

Her skin that used to look porcelain like new china, now looked pale, lacking colour and vigor. Mom looked like she had lost a lot of weight as she lay pale, weak and lifeless.

Many wires were attached to her wrist, chest and arms and she was on a ventilator. A feeding tube passed through her nostrils into her cold body. From a little distance, you could hear the slow but distinct beep of the heart monitor, the only constant reminder she was alive.

I looked at the IV drops connected to her left hand, eyeing them vengefully. If only a miracle would happen. The situation has been like this for two years. Two years since....

I swallowed back my tears, subtly shaking my head to banish my hostile thoughts as I approached her. I sat by her right and took her frail hand in mine whilst still trying to fight back my tears.

I lost the battle against myself and let the tears fall, letting myself dissolve into a fit of tears. I let all my emotions, anger at what was going on, sadness and pain at what was lost, sorrow and longing at what could not be, flow out of me through my tears.

'Hey mom' I mused, my voice thick with pent up emotion. I choked down a sob.

My nose ran.

My hands trembled.

'I brought you breakfast, your favourite' I continued hoarsely. My breath got stuck in my throat and I tried unsuccessfully to not succumb to tears. I burst into fresh tears, my loud sobs spiraling out of control.

' Mom, you have been like this for two years. Won't you wake up for me?' I asked, angry tears cascading down my face, leaving behind a greasy trail.

I was beyond broken.

'Do you think if Dad should come back, he would want to walk in here and see you like this? Please wake up mom' I cried, my heart sinking with despair and sadness. It broke me to see my mom like this, half dead, half alive, barely hanging on.

I didn't even know if she could hear me.

I kept holding her hand and crying, my body convulsing with raw pain until I forced myself to let go.

I had to get to work.

I got up and wiped my face clean of the evidence of my previous emotional break down and I turned to look at my mom with renewed conviction.

I had to be strong for her.

For what was left of my family.

I kissed my mom on her sunken cheek, bidding her goodbye till tomorrow morning when I would see her again.

My throat closed up in agony.

I pushed back my tears.

I had to be strong.

I left quickly knowing if I stayed a little longer, my resolve would break again and I would collapse into another fit of tears.

I passed Dr. Ashley on the way and silently begged her to take care of mom.

With a nod and a smile from her, I walked into the cold arms of the morning, off to work, with only one thought running in circles all around my head.

It was all my fault...

Everything that had happened two years ago was all my fault...