Chapter 31: Sutton

 

My hands shook as I closed myself in the room. Fear swept through me, but anger as well. In fact, I was more angry than anything. Angry that I let fear control me again. Angry that I had caused trouble. Then angry for feeling angry when I did nothing wrong. Then ultimately, angry at Lucas for being such an asshole.

There was a knock on the door.

“Go away, Lucas,” I yelled, wondering if I should lock the door.

I had locked it once, one of the first nights I was here. Then I had another nightmare and Lucas broke the door down to get in. So, I didn’t do it again. But right now, I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t barge in.

“Sutton…”

“I said go away,” I yelled, watching the doorknob intently.

My heart pounded as I waited for him to push into the room, whether I wanted him to or not. I heard a frustrated grunt through the wood and heavy footsteps walking away. I released a sigh of relief, but anger still dominated my mood. I started to feel another one of those hot flashes coming on and took some long, deep breaths.

They were coming more frequently now. But I’d been hiding them from Lucas. He freaked out every time and threatened to haul me to the doctor or put me back on bed rest. I certainly wasn’t in the mood to deal with that right now.

There was another knock but before I could yell, Tarrah’s voice came through.

“Sutton, it’s me,” she called. “I’m coming in.” She did just that before shutting the door behind her. “Want to talk?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Is this you actually giving me a choice?” I replied, half teasing.

She shrugged. “No, not really,” she replied as she bounced onto the bed. “Talk to me.”

“What’s there to say?” I said, still pacing. “I’m still a coward and Lucas is just like the others.”

“No, you’re not doing that,” Tarrah said sternly. “Lucas is downstairs about to come out of his skin. Quite literally. Rhonen is pissed at him and fighting for control. He’s pissed at himself. He’s terrified of you thinking just that.”

“He should be,” I retorted.

“No, he shouldn’t,” Tarrah stated. “And judging by your reaction, you know that. You just don’t want to admit it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you being angry,” she pointed out. “If you truly thought he was capable of hurting you, you’d be terrified right now. I promised I’d protect you, Sutton, and I will… from someone you need protecting from. And Lucas isn’t them. He isn’t just my Alpha. He’s my friend and a damn good one at that. You know this.”

My anger started to dissipate and my shoulders fell. I wish it was as easy as she thought it was. I wish I could just accept what she was saying. But I just couldn’t.

I plopped onto the bed beside her with a heavy sigh.

“It’s not that simple, Tarrah,” I said. I felt the lump start to form in my throat as I prepared to explain things to her. “I see… flashes in my mind. Scenes from my past. Like I’m reliving what he did. I don’t know what will trigger them. And the thing is… you say how good Lucas is and that I should know that because he’s treated me so well. But…”

“He has because he’s…”

“You don’t understand, Tarrah,” I interrupted, just trying to get through it. “Mason was good to me sometimes. In the beginning, not all the time, but sometimes. Sometimes he would be kind and even considerate. He’d apologize and promise not to hurt me anymore. He’d even be affectionate and loving. I’d start to let my guard down and he would…” I swallowed, holding back the tears. “He would take it all away.”

Tarrah suddenly threw her arms around me, pulling me into a strong hug. I stiffened for a second, then returned the embrace. The tears fell silently this time. I didn’t have any more sobs left in me over the subject it seemed. But the pain was still there. I feared the scars would always haunt me.

“I’m sorry, Sutton,” she said, her own tears falling down her cheeks. “I understand a little better now.”

“Why are you crying? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You’re my friend and something terrible happened to you. Of course I’m going to be upset,” she said. “And it hurts that I can’t just say something that will make it all better. I can’t even convince you that your fated mate is a good man. That’s hard.”

“I want to believe he is who he appears to be,” I admitted for the first time, both to myself and anyone else. “I want to believe this is real and what a mate bond is supposed to be like. It’s exhausting… doubting myself and everyone else all the time. I want to feel a little happiness for once. I want to feel good.”

“Then let it happen,” Tarrah said decisively.

“Tarrah…”

“Forget what could happen, Sutton,” she interjected. “At least, sometimes. I know there are moments when those thoughts don’t take over. Give in to them. Forget what he could or might do. It’s not foolish to trust someone you’re supposed to be able to trust. It’s not foolish to accept what they’re offering at face value. Let yourself have a little bit of happiness, Sutton. If he makes you unhappy, that’s on him. And if he hurts you…” She grabbed my shoulders. “If he hurts you, I’ll rip his balls off and let my brother take care of the rest.”

A laugh escaped. It meant a lot that she would even say something like that against her Alpha. And, I may doubt my judge of character most of the time, but I couldn’t help but believe her intentions were real. There was sense in what she was saying. I wasn’t smart enough to be able to call it wisdom, but they were reassuring nonetheless. Maybe I could steal a few moments for myself every once in a while.

“Hey,” Tarrah urged, “you deserve all the happiness in the world, Sutton. Stop letting anyone — including yourself — tell you otherwise. You’re too strong for that nonsense.”

I laughed again. “Thank you, Tarrah. I’ll sure try.”