‘I can’t let you leave’, he repeats and tiredness that I masked with coffee comes creeping back,‘I done with this', I bite out through bone deep tiredness that made me forget cool headedness ‘I’m tired of this fighting’‘This back and forth with you Simon', ‘Aren’t you tired?’, I throw the question at him even when his mouth stays sealed while I spoke.I'm tired of this all so I'm going to leave'‘I'm going to go and you can just forget all of this happened'‘Just pretend that the last few months was a dream, a figment of your imagination’,Still he doesn’t speak so I turn away from him, run my hands through my hair,‘I'll write the letter again', I take his silence for acceptance, his drooped shoulders for defeat.But I feel his hands enclose around my arms, both hands holding onto me with a light touch,It’s just impossible Tina’, he whispers refusal again, and my eyes snap back to him, a biting remark on my tongue.‘You should have thought of that last week, before I
‘I'm leaving’, I slap a letter of resignation onto Simon's table the minute I entered his office, not even offering him greetings,I strode in with conviction that this was the only option,To leave and pretend the past few months never happened,Said conviction was what built grit into my steps, built strength into my arms as I slammed the letter on his table,But despite the fact that the slam of my hands still echoed in the brightly lit office, and my eyes were narrowed to slits, it didn’t stop the droop in my shoulder,Neither did it stop my diminishing confidence when Simon looks up and our eyes meet.We state at each other for all off five seconds, and in those moments the events of the day before play across his pupils,With it, reminiscence flash across my mind,The crying mess I became the minute I got home, Forcing myself to bed, yet only grabbing fitfuls of sleep, waking up repeatedly to fresh tears on my pillow,‘I can fix this', I had told myself in the dead of
Then I’m marching away from him, stomping back inside, away from cool evening air and the ellipse pool that reminded me of our stolen moments together,With relief I find that Simon doesn’t follow as I hear no footsteps from behind me.As I move back up the stairs, my stomp gradually reduces into a walk, red clearing from my vision,My shoulders are slumped again when I get to the room that had my son in it,Unbelief crowds into my head, realization dawning on me.I push open the door, to see Ajax occupied with one of the numerous action figures on the shelves, ‘Let’s go home', his face falls, but he gets up, lifting toy Spiderman with him,I walk in, picking up his bag, and hitching it on my shoulder then I hold his hand in mine,‘Aren’t we going to say bye to dad', Ajax pauses and looks up at me as we walk out of the room,‘I said bye to him already’, I pull at his hand and he follows nodding.We walk down the stairs and my heart stops when I see Simon standing at the foo
‘Your son', I scoff loudly, repeating his words.‘And what gave you the notion that he your son',‘What makes you so sure', my soles scuff tiles as I start pacing the length of the yard, letting some of my pent up anger leak out through my steps,‘Really Tina', he calls my name, and the displeasure in his words match mine,‘Are we really going to sit here and debate Ajax's paternity’, his voice is gruff, dropping lower with each word,‘He’s not', I shake my head from left to right as I pass Simon’s front repeatedly in my pacing,‘You told him yourself’, it rises again, ‘Ajax confirmed it', he grabs my hand again, forcing me to look at him.‘Even a child!!’, his face is all hardness, jaw clenched and grinding, as he punctuates the word,‘Even a child can see that we're father and son', his voice is gruff, as he finishes and his eyes darken, stormy orbs in a face of fury.I try to turn away from him, to turn away from his fury that infuriated me further, and continue pacing.
The door swings shut behind me, The noise of my sneakers hitting cement as I rushed along the driveway echoed in my ears,Drowning out the sound of the grass swaying gently in the evening breeze, louder than the sound of birds chirping from the trees,I side step the water fountain without so much as a glance at its sculpted glory,My eyes rests on those large double doors, that separated me from my son, willing it to disintegrate,Instead it does something different, swinging open, parting slowly, revealing Simon as I stomp up tiled steps.The large smile on his face was nonexistent to me, his arms open wide in greeting a momentary confusion as I sidestep him, pushing into the mansion, My heart was beating too fast in my chest, my footsteps echoing too loud in my ears for me too even regard him,To even do the simple task of asking his reason,So I ignore him, turning laser-like focus on finding my son and getting out of this largeness that had me feeling like I was drowni
Air got sucked from my lungs, like I just received a strike to the gut,‘No', I shake my head as my grip on my phone tightens,‘That can’t be true', my head keeps turning from left to right in unbelief as the click of the call ending sounded.I take the phone off my ear, bring it to the front of my face,‘That can’t be possible’, my brain felt waterlogged, my ears clogged as the noise of school children fades out.The only sound around was my heart, beating like the tick of a clock, resounding in my ears, echoing in my head,‘No', I shake my head again and call his school teacher,‘She’s probably mistaken’,‘There was no way he could be with Simon', My fingers shake against my screen as I scroll through my contacts,The first call goes to voicemail, ‘Pick up for Christ sake’, I swear under my breathe, dialing her number again,‘Could it be Adam?’‘But he would never refer to himself as Ajax’s father’, my mind swirls as the phone rings on, no sign of it being picked up.
By the time it was lunch my head was on a spin, on a whirlpool of frustration, I sat still, my hands folded in my lap,but my heart was on fire, my mouth burned like I was chewing on hot gum.The heat bled onto my palms, drawing sweat, that I wiped repeatedly against ash-gray pants, ‘At this point, I will never be able to tell him', I mused as I stared at the dark streaks my hands created, the creases from repeatedly fisting it's fabric in my hands.‘If only he didn’t smile those face splitting smiles whenever our eyes met’‘If only he didn’t look at me with such affection in his eyes'‘Maybe it would be easier to tell him if I wasn’t risk….’,‘Where should we eat today’, my musings get interrupted and I look up at him.We’d been so absorbed with each other the last week yet anytime my eyes met those ones shining with affection, a wave of unfamiliarity courses through me, a war between elation and fear ensues.‘Let’s just order in', I hide my surprise, the battle raging in
Time moved slowly, sluggishly, like my heart,It's sound, a turbid rhythm in my chest, like wading in mud water, dragging my head through varying degrees of shock,Of all things I anticipated, expected, planned for, this was the least of them.I didn't even think it possible, it was not a scenario I saw happening, My eyes watch, sluggishly, same as my heart at the teardrop that track Ajax's cheek trailing onto his lap.‘He's dad, isn’t he?’, he says it again, and my head rears back in a whiplash.The fact that he repeated it, a statement this time, proved the extent of the situation, it was a testament to how much of a mess I was in.‘Why is he not here with us?'‘Did he do something bad?', ‘Is dad a bad man?’, with each question, his voice raises, bordering on hysterics, fat tears rolling down his cheeks.‘Why don’t you want me to meet him?', he asks again, yet my mind travels, trying to pinpoint what could have given it away,I had been very careful to never mention the
For a moment I considered coming clean, telling him the truth of a son he never knew about, but the fear in my heart was stronger,So I chew slowly, bidding my time to formulate something believable, something that wouldn’t allow the serious expression his face had taken into something darker.I tried to formulate something that would allow me to keep this warm bubble we had built around ourselves,A bubble I was not keen on letting go off so soon.My head was a mess, strung between telling the truth and fumbling for lies,I had thought I was over this, relief had filled me when I found that he didn’t hear Ajax’s name fro Lisa's lips.I finish chewing and keep the smile on my face, deciding on the easy way out,‘He’s no one you should be bothered about', it was hard, dismissing my son as someone unimportant, yet it was easier than risking him taking Ajax away from me.I hoped it would be enough for him, my reassurance would be enough to quell questions he was suddenly keen on