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25. Cherish

After Ivan left, I cried, scalding tears of frustration and sadness. Then I spent an age staring into the mirror. There is nothing there, my eyes are their usual placid blue but that’s not why I lashed out.

I cannot understand myself. Why did I get so defensive about the idea I might be part-wolf?

Would it really be that horrendous? Apart from the obvious psychopaths and villains in this hellhole, and the ones who raided our villages, Martha, Genevieve and Ivan have been just as kind as any humans I know.

After all, I'm seeing woodland and even wolves in dreams and oh my god the sparks. None of it is normal, I know this. I’m in so much denial that I’ve gone and wrecked it with Ivan. After he made me feel like I was on another planet with pleasure I have repaid his kindness by making him feel like scum. The guilt is overwhelming.

The way his face changed after I lashed out. “I thought you wanted to die,” was burned into my conscience. That was an appalling thing to say. If I coul
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