The Woman In The Mirror

Lena

I didn't remember driving home.

I remembered the rain.

I remembered the traffic lights changing from red to green.

I remembered gripping the steering wheel so tightly that my fingers hurt.

But I couldn't remember the road.

My mind was still trapped inside Daniel's apartment.

His voice.

Sophie's tears.

The silver watch.

And those words.

You've gained weight.

I pulled into the parking space outside my apartment and remained inside the car.

The engine was still running.

I stared through the windshield.

People walked past.

A woman carried groceries.

A man hurried beneath an umbrella.

Someone laughed somewhere across the street.

The world was continuing.

How could it?

How could everyone be moving normally when my entire life had just fallen apart?

My phone buzzed.

I looked at it.

Maya: I'm coming over.

I didn't remember telling her where I lived.

I didn't remember agreeing to see her.

I didn't reply.

Instead, I switched off the engine and stepped out of the car.

The rain had softened to a light drizzle.

It landed against my bare arms, cold enough to make me shiver.

I stood beside the car for a moment, staring at the entrance to my building.

Home.

The word should have made me feel safe.

Tonight, it didn't.

I wrapped my arms around myself and walked inside.

The elevator ride felt endless.

I stared at the numbers above the doors as they changed one by one.

My reflection stared back at me from the metal.

I looked away.

I couldn't stand looking at myself yet.

The moment I entered my apartment, the silence swallowed me.

I locked the door.

Then leaned against it.

For several seconds, I simply stood there.

The apartment looked exactly the same.

The small lamp I'd left on that morning was still glowing.

A book was lying open on the coffee table.

A pair of shoes sat beside the couch.

Everything was normal.

Everything except me.

And then I slid down to the floor.

The first sob escaped before I could stop it.

I covered my mouth.

Another followed.

Then another.

Soon, I was crying so hard that my shoulders shook.

I pressed my forehead against my knees.

Three years.

Three years with Daniel.

Gone in one evening.

But somehow, the betrayal wasn't the only thing hurting.

His words kept returning.

You're not the same woman I started dating.

You've changed.

I don't feel attracted to you anymore.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Stop.”

But my mind wouldn't listen.

I heard him again.

You've gained weight.

I looked down at myself.

The emerald dress.

The dress I'd chosen because I thought Daniel would like it.

I touched the fabric.

Suddenly, I hated it.

My fingers curled around the material.

I pulled at it once, then released it.

The dress hadn't done anything wrong.

It was just a dress.

But it had become attached to tonight.

To his eyes.

To his words.

To the moment something inside me had broken.

I stood.

Slowly, I walked toward my bedroom.

I didn't turn on the light.

The moonlight coming through the curtains was enough to illuminate the room.

My eyes went straight to the mirror.

I stopped.

For years, I'd looked at that mirror and seen myself.

Tonight, I saw Daniel's words.

My eyes travelled downward.

My face.

My neck.

My shoulders.

My stomach.

My hips.

My thighs.

I turned sideways.

My stomach pressed against the fabric of the dress.

I stared.

I sucked in my breath.

The reflection changed.

For one second, I looked smaller.

Then I exhaled.

And the woman in the mirror returned.

A woman I suddenly didn't recognize.

I lifted the hem of my dress slightly.

My thighs touched.

I looked away.

Then forced myself to look again.

“Maybe he's right.”

The words barely left my mouth.

I covered my lips.

I couldn't believe I'd said them.

But once the thought existed, it became difficult to silence.

Maybe I had changed.

Maybe I'd stopped taking care of myself.

Maybe I'd become too comfortable.

Maybe Daniel had tried to tell me.

Maybe I hadn't listened.

My mind began searching through memories.

Daniel asking if I wanted dessert.

Daniel suggesting we order takeout.

Daniel telling me to finish the cake.

Daniel wrapping his arms around me from behind.

You're beautiful.

Had he meant it?

Or had he simply been saying what I needed to hear?

I walked to the wardrobe.

I opened it.

My clothes stared back at me.

Dresses I'd once loved.

Jeans that no longer fit the way they used to.

Blouses I'd stopped wearing.

I pulled one dress from the hanger.

Held it against myself.

Too tight.

I put it back.

Another.

Too small.

Another.

I didn't even bother trying it on.

My chest tightened.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

Maybe Sophie was prettier.

Maybe Sophie was thinner.

Maybe Sophie had everything I didn't.

I hated myself for thinking it.

But jealousy was easier than accepting the truth.

I picked up my phone.

My thumb hovered over Sophie's name.

I opened our messages.

Hundreds of them.

Years of friendship compressed into a glowing screen.

Sophie: You're my person.

I scrolled.

Sophie: I swear Daniel is crazy about you.

Another message.

Sophie: Girl, you deserve the world.

My vision blurred.

I locked the phone.

Then threw it onto the bed.

It bounced once before landing face down on the sheets.

“Why?”

My voice broke.

“Why would you do this to me?”

No answer came.

Only silence.

I walked back toward the mirror.

This time, I stood directly in front of it.

I studied my reflection.

There had been a time when I loved my body.

Not every day.

Not every part.

But enough.

I remembered wearing a red dress to Daniel's birthday two years ago.

I'd felt beautiful that night.

Daniel had kissed me in front of everyone.

My gorgeous girl.

I'd believed him.

I remembered another night.

We'd been lying on the couch watching a movie.

I'd complained about my stomach.

Daniel had laughed.

Then he'd pulled me closer.

“I'd love you at any size.”

I remembered exactly how safe I'd felt hearing those words.

I'd believed that too.

My eyes filled with tears.

How could the same man who once promised to love me at any size now tell me that my body was the reason he'd stopped loving me?

I wiped my cheek.

Maybe the promise had never been real.

Or maybe Daniel had simply changed.

The thought frightened me.

Because if he could change his mind about something he'd promised so confidently, what else could I trust?

I sat on the floor beneath the mirror.

I pulled my knees toward my chest.

For a long time, I said nothing.

The room was so quiet that I could hear the rain tapping against the window.

I watched the droplets slide down the glass.

One after another.

Slowly.

Like tears.

Then I whispered:

“I was happy.”

The sentence sounded strange.

“I thought I was.”

I looked at my reflection.

The woman in the mirror looked exhausted.

My makeup had smeared.

My eyes were swollen.

My beautiful dress was wrinkled.

I looked nothing like the woman who had left home that evening excited to surprise her boyfriend.

That woman had believed she was loved.

This woman wasn't sure of anything.

A knock sounded at the door.

I didn't move.

Another knock.

“Lena?”

Maya.

I closed my eyes.

“Lena, open the door.”

I didn't answer.

Maya knocked again.

“I'm not leaving.”

I finally stood.

I wiped my face and walked toward the door.

My legs felt weak beneath me.

I stopped with my hand on the handle.

For a second, I considered pretending I wasn't home.

I didn't want to explain.

I didn't want to say the words out loud.

Because saying them would make everything real again.

Another knock came.

“Lena?”

I opened the door.

When I opened it, Maya stood there holding two paper bags of food and wearing an expression that made me want to cry all over again.

Maya looked at me.

Then at my red eyes.

Then at my dress.

Her expression softened.

“Oh, Lena.”

That was all it took.

I stepped forward.

Maya dropped the bags and wrapped her arms around me.

I broke down against her shoulder.

She held me tighter.

One hand moved slowly over my hair while the other stayed around my back.

I clung to her like I was afraid that if I let go, I would fall apart completely.

“I don't understand,” I whispered.

“I know.”

“He said…”

“I know.”

“He said it was because of my weight.”

Maya pulled back.

Her eyes hardened.

“And you believed him?”

I couldn't answer.

Maya looked at me for a long moment.

Then gently took my hand.

“Come here.”

She led me back toward the bedroom.

Toward the mirror.

I immediately looked away.

“No.”

Maya stood beside me.

“Look.”

“I don't want to.”

“Look at yourself.”

Slowly, I did.

Maya didn't tell me I was perfect.

She didn't tell me Daniel was completely wrong.

Instead, she said:

“That’s Lena.”

I swallowed.

“Not Daniel's Lena. Not Sophie's Lena. Not the woman they decided you should be.”

Maya touched my shoulder.

“Just Lena.”

I stared at the reflection.

For the first time that night, I didn't look at my body.

I looked at my face.

At the woman behind the tears.

She was still there.

Broken.

Confused.

But there.

Maya squeezed my hand.

“You don't have to love everything you see tonight.”

I looked at her.

“But don't let a man who betrayed you become the voice inside your head.”

My eyes filled again.

Maya pulled me into another hug.

“You can hate what happened.”

She stroked my hair.

“You can miss him.”

“You can cry.”

“You can be angry.”

“But don't you dare decide you're unworthy because someone else failed to appreciate you.”

I closed my eyes.

The words didn't magically heal me.

They weren't supposed to.

Tonight, I still hurt.

Tomorrow, I would probably hurt too.

But somewhere beneath the pain, a tiny thought began to form.

Maybe Daniel's words weren't the truth.

Maybe they were simply the words of a man who had already decided to betray me.

I looked at myself one more time.

The woman in the mirror was still hurting.

But she was still Lena.

And for tonight, that would have to be enough.