2

How to Explain Myself?

Rosie stood outside the bar, clutching her wallet close to her chest. Her body felt the need to start shaking uncontrollably.

She knew going out was a bad idea, especially knowing she would have to meet new people. Her cousin was the only person who knew how to deal with the way she is. Anthony was an exception because he knew well enough how Rosie was, although she never spent much time with him. He had just been around long enough to see for himself how complicated Rosie may be, which made him more lenient and patient with her.

Rosie wasn't necessarily comfortable around him, she wasn't comfortable around anyone really. She was just comfortable enough, knowing that he didn't get weirded out by her anymore; knowing that he didn't have high expectations from her because he knew what to expect, based on how much of her he had seen along with what Tamara explained to him.

Rosie struggled to open any app on her phone, her hands trembling as she clutched onto her phone tightly to stop it from falling right out of her hands.

"Hey."

Rosie looked up to see Anthony coming out of the bar. He offered her a friendly smile as he walked over to her, shoving his hands into his pant pockets.

Rosie bit the inside of her cheek, avoiding meeting his gaze. She was embarrassed and like usual, feeling pathetic.

Anthony sighed. "I'm sorry about Zach."

Rosie shrugged lightly, looking down at her phone screen that was resting on her home screen. "It's expected."

Anthony's eyebrows pulled together, confused by what she meant. "What is?"

She shrugged once again, shifting on her feet. She looked up at the passing cars on the street. "People thinking I'm weird."

Anthony frowned, shaking his head lightly. "He doesn't think you're weird."

Rosie finally looked at Anthony, raising her eyebrows in disbelief. Even I think I'm weird, she thought to herself.

"What?" Anthony quirked an eyebrow, challenging the same look back to her. "He might not think you're the life of the party, per say, but I don't think he thinks you're weird."

Rosie let out a breathy chuckle, so soft that it didn't even sound like a laugh but instead, an exhale. She shook her head, looking back down at her feet. "I'm not good at talking."

Anthony nodded his head slowly. He kept his warm gaze trained on her although she refused to look him in the eye. "A lot of people aren't," he spoke with genuineness in his tone. "You just met the guy. It's okay to be shy."

Rosie shook her head, still keeping her gaze low. She wanted to explain it was much more than her being shy. It wasn't that simple. "I'm not good at talking in general."

Anthony continued to peer at her thoughtfully. This was the first time, in years, that she had spoken to him in more than two or three words at a time. Anthony lifted his hand, wanting to give her a comforting touch but he dropped his arm to his side when he remembered this was Rosie he was with. "I'm not good at understanding sarcasm."

Rosie looked up, meeting his gaze once again. She furrowed her eyebrows, confused.

Anthony let out a small laugh at the look of confusion on her face. "I have a hard time understanding when someone is being sarcastic. I take things too literal, I suppose."

Rosie's lip tugged upwards in a grin. She didn't know if he was joking or not, but she appreciated his attempt at making her feel better about herself. "I don't like sarcasm."

Anthony smiled, his eyes warm and welcoming. "Good. I don't either."

Rosie felt much calmer now. She looked down at her phone, opening the Uber app. "You don't have to stay out here," she mumbled quietly.

"Tam will be out here soon. She just wanted to give Zach a piece of her mind."

Rosie looked away from her phone screen, instead looking down at the sidewalk. She sighed softly, shutting her eyes for a moment.

She loved that her cousin always looked out for her and defended her, but she hated when Tamara would explain her to other people. She didn't want everyone thinking she was a freak, even if she thought of herself as one. When Tamara explained to people that Rosie's shy or quiet, lost or slow, it didn't make Rosie feel any better. It made her feel like she was a lab experiment that needed a description label.

Anthony frowned when he noted the look on Rosie's face. He was about to ask her about it when Tamara walked out of the bar.

Tamara looked like her fuse was about to blow. She shook her head frantically as she pulled out her car keys. "How inconsiderate can people be?!"

"Tamara," Rosie sighed, hesitantly placing a hand on Tamara's arm to grab her attention. "It's okay."

"No, it is not okay."

Rosie refrained from rolling her eyes. It always hurt her when people thought badly of her, but she also expected it from everyone. She knew she was odd and over time, she stopped getting so bothered by people thinking as much. She knew Tamara's heart was in the best place but she didn't know how to tell her that she didn't need Tamara to fight her fights or come to her defence or get so worked up over what other people thought. She wanted to stop feeling like her cousin's charity case.

"Tamara," Rosie spoke more louder and firmer. "Please, can we just go home? I don't care what Zach thinks."

Tamara paused, looking at Rosie in the eye. She sighed, nodding her head towards the car. "Yeah, I'm sorry. That just pissed me off."

It always does, Rosie thought to herself. Rosie decided not to say anything else, not wanting Tamara to get offended or hurt. Rosie could appreciate Tamara's protectiveness but she didn't like being treated like she was her child with some sort of terminal illness that everyone needed to be warned about.

Rosie turned to look at Anthony, offering a small smile. She wanted to say something, some sort of goodbye but she didn't. Instead, she settled on her parting smile and got into the car.

When they got back home, Rosie changed into her pyjamas before walking out into the living room to see Tamara on the couch with a bag of chips.

Tamara smiled sheepishly. "I'm really sorry about tonight. I just thought it would be nice to get out of the house and hang out."

Rosie shrugged, taking a seat on the recliner. "It was okay."

Tamara frowned. "You don't have to lie to me, Rose. I know it was shitty."

Rosie simply shook her head. "No, the mozzarella sticks were really good. The art on the walls actually gave me some inspiration too."

Tamara responded with a dull expression. She sat up straighter, turning her body to face Rosie. "You find niceness in art everywhere, even if it's shitty graffiti. I'm talking about the more social aspect, meeting Zach."

Rosie looked down at her hands, debating what to say or if she should say anything at all. She didn't want her cousin feeling bad about Zach's words or being afraid to want to take her out again.

"Tam," Rosie looked up at her cousin, speaking softly. A small smile played on her lips as she peered at her cousin with warm eyes. "I don't care if people think I'm weird, or odd, or a freak."

Tamara's eyebrows furrowed together.

Rosie shrugged her shoulders. "I know... I'm kind of weird to people. People find it difficult to get along with me. I'm not a people-person, obviously."

Tamara frowned, her heart clenching when she listened to Rosie's words. "You're not weird, Rose. You're just a little different than what people might expect."

Rosie shook her head, chuckling softly. "You don't have to put it in different words to make me feel better about myself."

"I'm not."

"You are," Rosie spoke firmly but her tone remained warm.

"I just don't want people judging you. I don't like it when they think you're weird. You're perfectly normal." Tamara sighed, leaning back into the couch.

Rosie licked her lips. She didn't know if she agreed with her cousin or not. "Maybe I'm not. I don't think I am. I know I'm not perfectly normal to a lot of people."

Tamara wanted to argue with her but she didn't know what to say. She hated the way Rosie viewed herself.

Rosie stood up, smiling down at her cousin. "Let people say or think what they want about me, Tam. I really don't care all that much."

Tamara smiled but it didn't meet her eyes. She nodded her head unsurely. Even if it didn't bother Rosie, it still bothered Tamara.

"Night," Rosie turned to head to her room.

Tamara sighed heavily. "Good night."