Chapter 2: Matthew Christiansen

I have had control over 99% of everything in my life since the day I was born. My family’s wealth always ensured we had everything we ever wanted and always got our way.

As I stand here in NICU at the Children’s Hospital of Minnesota watching my son as the intense blue lights deliver his UV therapy, I suddenly know what that 1% feels like… and it’s soul crushing.

My boy. Daniel. He laid in front of me, fighting for his life. He was already 8 weeks old yet shouldn’t even have been born yet.

My wife, Lydia... We had just left her OB appointment where we learned we were having a boy. She said she felt sick suddenly and had a sharp pain in her stomach. And there was blood. So much blood.

Thankfully, the clinic is attached to the hospital. I rushed her through the emergency room doors. She had a placental abruption. The only thing I clearly remember after that was the doctor telling me they saved him but Lydia… she was gone before they even got to the surgical suite.

I barely recall time after that. I’m here almost every day until the nurses kick me out. Sometimes, one of them bends the rules and lets me stay the night until right before shift change. Audra, I think is her name. She’s here often. Daniel always seems to perk up when she’s here. His vitals stabilize and he seems more calm.

I’m lost in thought when I hear soft footsteps behind me.

“Good morning, Mr. Christiansen” I hear Audra say. Her voice is soft and sweet like honey.

“Matt, please.” I reply while I turn to watch her.

She’s graceful and gentle as she listens to Daniel’s heart, lungs, and stomach. She radiates confidence in what she’s doing. She was born to be a NICU nurse.

“He sounds wonderful this morning. You wouldn’t even think he just had surgery last night.” She reports cheerfully. She checks his incision from his surgery last night. He’d had another brain bleed.

“Thank you. For being here with him last night. I know your shift was almost done when he…” I trailed off, not wanting to finish my sentence. The thought of losing him too brought even more pain than I thought possible.

“It’s my job to watch over him. I don’t mind.” She replies while gently removing him from the isolette. “Would you like to do skin to skin with him this morning?”

“Would that be ok? Is he stable enough?”

“I think so. Dr. Longbella will be rounding soon also. It’ll be easier for him to examine Daniel if he’s not in the isolette.”

I start to unbutton my white dress shirt and slide it off my broad shoulders. I sit back in the recliner and she gently places my fragile son on my chest. She positions him so his head is slightly tilted back as if he would be able to look up at me.

“There you go little buddy” she whispers to him.

I stare down at my son and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. I feel so guilty my wife never got to see his sweet face.

I look up and Audra is standing on the other side of the room, watching us intently. Dr. Longbella enters with a couple of residents and Audra suddenly blushes and stands up straight, acknowledging them and briefing them quickly on her findings from her quick examination and then rushed out.

I try to listen to the doctor as they discuss Daniel, but all I can think of is the blur of blue scrubs and blonde hair as it rushed out, leaving the room suddenly feeling empty.