Chapter 27

Lillian

        Zayden said the house would be ready in two days. I had tried to make him tell me the terms of our agreement, but he had bluntly refused, saying I should move in first.

  I had the chance to refuse his offer and continue living with Aiden. But I was going to get my own space instead of living with a grown-ass man.

  I trust Aiden but I can never be too careful. So having a house to myself was the best option. I'll figure out how to repay Zayden later, but now I had to get on my feet first.

 

    My boss didn't let me leave with Aiden after work. He said he would punch him till he loses all his teeth if I dared set my butt on his brother's car.

"I'll get you a hotel to stay for the next two days, but if you want his teeth wrapped in a box then that's fine by me," he had said rather calmly.

From his earlier fight with his brother, I didn't doubt that he'd do what he said.

I didn't want more attention to myself than I already have so I obediently accepted his offer." Fine ."

The employees were still giving me the cold shoulder. It was like I was an enigma. I get the feeling that Helena was only holding back whatever trick she had up her sleeve because of Zayden.

 

Thank God it was Friday; at least I wouldn't have to see her for the next two days.

  True to his words, Zayden booked a five-star hotel. The room was gorgeous and too expensive. I thought I'd die from hearing the price for a night.

  At least I get to spend the next two days in comfort. Comfort that comes at a price. I saw the look in his eyes as he wired a million dollars into my account.

He had the look of a predator, I couldn't help but feel like I was getting myself into the lion's tummy.

   The pending tension remained in the pit of my belly as I went to see my therapist the next day.

   

          I sat across from her waiting for her to finish writing on her notebook.

" You haven't come here in six years, Lillian." She adjusted her glasses, her blue eyes trained on me.

I had known Claire Anderson since I ran away from foster care at fifteen.

     I was too young and broken back then to know what I was doing. She took me in and let me live with her until I met Jade.

   White hairs were sticking out of her red scarf, but she was still as dazzling as ever.

I bit down on my lips, I thought running away from my past would be better but after my conversation with Zayden, I had a trigger.

" I'm sorry, I should have at least called." I choked.

She sighed." I assumed you've been doing better since you didn't return, but I guess I was wrong."

I looked up to meet her gaze. Kind eyes looked back at me." I ...I think something is wrong with me."

She dropped her notebook and came over to sit beside me." What happened."

  I took in a deep breath to calm my breathing, my hands were beginning to tremble. Sweat droplets were rolling down my face.

" Do...do you have the Xanax?" I asked Instead. I could feel the blood in my veins running cold. I couldn't even stop the muscles in my right leg from jerking uncontrollably.

"You don't need pills,lillan. I thought we were over this ?" She spoke, her voice laced with worry.

" I thought so too, but I don't think I can suppress this one."

" When was the last time you took pills?" She placed a hand on my right leg, holding it in place.

" Since I moved in with Jade six years ago." I swallowed.

She nodded." Then why do you need it now?"

I swallowed again, my head was spinning. " I...I...think I might like someone."

"So? You're twenty-four. It's about time."

I paled." I can't, I don't want to end up like I did before. He only said he'll give me time and I'm already freaking out. My panic attacks are returning; I only had a mild episode yesterday, but what if it becomes worse? How am I supposed to deal with this?"

She sighed." Not everyone is like him, Lillian. This was why I advised you not to suppress your memories. To get over your trauma, you'll have to face it."

I shook my head, completely in denial" My past has nothing to do with this and neither are those memories."

"Then why, after six years, are you so afraid of letting yourself be loved? Why do you need Xanax now?"

I remained quiet, staring at her as tears stained my cheeks.

   I didn't even understand why I was freaking out. I might like Zayden a tiny bit but that was all. He said he wanted me, and I wanted him too; it was complete lust, So why was I freaking out.

I shook my head, covering my face with my palm." I don't know. The memories came back after he said he wanted me, and I was afraid I would fall for him."

She placed a hand over mine." It's time you do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm not giving you Xanax; relive your memories and accept them. It's part of who you are. And don't judge others because of your past experiences."

I sniffed, nodding like a child. If she wouldn't give me the pills, then I have no choice but to suffer those episodes again because I can't afford them.

" Now tell me, who is this man that made you freak out like this ?" A playful smile appeared on her wrinkled face.

"It's no one important, I don't have anything for him..". I lied through my teeth.

She chuckled."yet here you are."

I sighed, exhaustion weighing down on me." I don't know, I'm just not sure what I feel."

She smiled." It's okay, you are not taking pills. If you have any episodes, deal with them and accept help. Don't make the mistake you made and shut people out."

I nodded again. We talked a little more and she gave me a few advice.

I left her office afterwards. I should feel relieved but the roiling in my stomach had only intensified.

Claire wanted me to embrace my past. That would mean remembering my uncle, the orphanage, my foster family and him.

It was too much. I don't think I can or rather I don't want to.

He had ruined my ability to love and let myself be loved. I don't know why, of all times, it had to come back now. Just when I thought I could let myself be normal.

Life was unfair.