Not letting go

Trudy

I decide to get a drink while the bus stops and debate on if I should get crackers or something. Pulling out my money, I feel someone behind me swipe their card. I don’t need to look to know who it is.

Turning around, I hand Bryan the money I was going to give to the cashier. His golden eyes stare at me with heartache, “Please, can we just talk, Tru?” I roll my eyes and begin walking away, “Baby, please. I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose you. Please give me a chance to explain. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind last night. The guys were talking about us and how we only know each other. That I won’t have any stories of hooking up with random girls in Europe as they do. My drunk brain made a poor decision.”

I pause and turn towards him. We haven’t spoken since this morning when I saw the girl leave. Bryan tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t. Speaking in public will test my ability to be rational and civil, and I’m not sure if that’s a test I can pass. “What is there to say, Bryan?” I pause for a moment, “I hope your one night was worth destroying these last two years.”

“It wasn’t Tru. I don’t remember anything or what happened. I promise we didn’t go any farther than kissing. This morning when I woke up, my clothes from last night were still on, and she was next to me fully clothed.” There is desperation in his voice. “I love you, Tru. I tried to keep up with the Irish last night and failed miserably. I swear, Tru, I don’t remember meeting her or seeing her until this morning. Tim said all we did was kiss, and I called her by your name all night.”

I stare at him dumbfounded, “Your drunk brain couldn’t be that drunk to mistake her black hair for my blonde.”

“No, I don’t remember her at all. This morning when I asked her to leave, it was the first time I looked at her. I couldn’t tell you anything about her. I don’t want to lose the relationship that I’ve built for two years over one drunken mistake. Please tell me how to make this up to you.” Bryan takes my hand, “Tru, you’re the only girl for me.”

One of the guides calls that we are leaving soon. I look at Bryan’s eyes. They seem so desperate and full of remorse. Letting out a sigh, I tell him, “Give me some time to think. I don’t want to throw these last two years away either, but I don’t trust you anymore. You broke up with me through a text so you could hook up with some girl. If you want to prove how sorry you are, I suggest you stop drinking.”

Bryan nods and smiles. Ugh, why is he so handsome. Bryan is tall with gorgeous sun-kissed skin, golden eyes that almost look like they’re glowing at times, and he’s well built. Even in his leather blazer, I can see the outline of his body. Every part of him is big.

Bryan takes my hand, “I’m sorry, Tru. Take all the time you need. When we get to the hotel tonight, I’ll give you a key to my room, so if you want to come talk, you can.” He kisses my cheek and turns away.

Letting out a sigh, I walk back to the bus. Britany is sitting there with her nose buried in her book. Of course, it’s some fantasy book. I sit next to her and open my drink. After taking a sip, I tell her, “Bryan tried to talk to me.”

Britany marks her page and looks at me, “What did the pile of garbage say?”

“That he was sorry, and it was a mistake.” Britany rolls her eyes. “He said that he was drinking too much to know what he was doing.”

“Do you believe him?”

I shake my head, “No, but I might forgive him for it. He’s done a lot for my family and me. One mistake doesn’t negate all the good he did for me. Plus, all they did was kiss, and technically he didn’t cheat.”

“I feel like that’s the most intimate of acts.” I look at her curiously. She shrugs, “Hookers, don’t kiss on the mouth because that’s what you do with lovers.”

“That’s from a movie, and I’m sure some do.” I run my fingers through my hair, “I’ve become dependent on him. I can’t afford this trip, my apartment, or school without his help. He’s never held it over me, but I know most of what I can do is because of him. Bryan has paid for some of my mom’s treatments and half her surgery bill. He does it without consulting me like he’s trying to take care of me. I don’t know, I feel like he truly loves me, and maybe this was just a lapse in judgment.”

Britany shakes her head, “You’re a strong, opinionated woman. I remember becoming your roommate. Your independence is something I admired about you, but he’s taken a lot of it. I’m super happy you came on this trip, but I hate that you feel if you don’t take him back, you can’t afford your life now.”

I nod, “I told him that I needed some time to think. I feel trapped right now. If I take him back, one of the biggest reasons will be money. I’ve come too far in school to drop out now. In December, I’ll complete the classwork portion of the P.A. program and will only have the clinical terms. Then I’ll be able to help my parents and support myself.”

“So, you plan to use him?”

I shake my head, “No, but the money might be a player in the decision. I am in love with him. I just don’t know if I believe his story, and I feel betrayed.”

“I would use him for the money.” I look at Britany in surprise. “What? Bryan is a jerk. Since day one, I’ve told you that you get a different side of him than the rest of the world. I know you love him, but he’s likely going to make another “mistake,” and what happens then? What if you’re married and having children?” I nod in agreement with her. “I’m just saying. Teach him a lesson. Don’t be afraid to use him.”

Using him would make me feel dirty. I don’t like using people. As Britany said, I’m independent. I can make things work on my own, with or without Bryan.

We make it to the next stop. It’s at a hotel in north Ireland. Tomorrow we will get on a fairy and head towards Scotland. This trip was interesting, but I’m ready to go home. I want to go back to work and see my mom. These two months away from her were awful. I can’t shake the feeling that they aren’t telling me everything. I check in with my parents every day, but it’s always the same answer. “Everything is fine.” I never get details. I know I’m the youngest, but I’m also the one who helps the most. It would be nice if I could get a little more reassurance. I need to know they are both genuinely okay.

After check-in to the hotel, I walk towards the elevators and run into Bryan. “Hey, I was just looking for you.” He says with a smile. Pulling his spare key out, he hands it to me, “214. If you want to talk, please feel free to let yourself in, and I will drop whatever I’m doing.”

I smile, “Thank you, Bryan. Let me work on homework and think.”

“Will you be coming down for dinner?”

I shake my head, “No, I may just run to the market for a few things if I get hungry.”

Bryan shakes his head and pulls out his wallet, “Here, take one of my cards. That way, you can eat or get whatever you need.” I try to protest, but Bryan stops me, “I promised I would cover this trip and this month’s bills so you would come with me. I’m the one who screwed up. It wouldn’t be fair to punish you for it. Please take it. I made you an authorized user this morning.” I stare at him in surprise. Why would he put me on his account? “When I realized what happened this morning, I knew you wouldn’t immediately take me back. I couldn’t stand the thought of you struggling since I’m the one who forced you to go on this trip. It’s only fair. Besides, there enough on here you couldn’t bankrupt me if you tried.” I take the card and smile. He smiles back.

I get up to my room and get out my computer. After working on things for a couple of hours, I take a break. I’m hungry, but I’m not sure I want to go downstairs. I don’t want to go to dinner by myself.

A knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts. Opening the door, I find Britany, “You’re not staying here all by yourself. Come on, let’s go exploring.” I let out a laugh when she scrunches up her face, “You’re not wearing that are you?”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” I look down at my clothes. I’m wearing basic skinny jeans and a plain form-fitting shirt. Nothing that would cause me to stand out in a crowd. I look at Britany. She’s wearing a short, black, sleeveless dress and tights. Her chocolate brown hair is in loose waves, and she gave herself a smokey eye. Britany, though very geeky, is fantastic at hair and make-up. She does well at showing off her hazel eyes. You can always see the green and brown specks in them.

“Everything. You need to look hot. Come on, let's get you ready.” Britany spends the next hour doing my hair and make-up. Then she goes through my clothes until she comes up with something that meets her definition of presentable.

I stare in the mirror. My blue-green eyes stand out against the dark make-up Britany did. She also put enough product in my straight dull blonde hair to give it a shine and make it curl. She chose a white high-low cut dress with a slim silver belt. I had to admit I looked nice, maybe not hot, but acceptable. I look like the girl you pick up three shots before the last call.

“You look great. If we run into Bryan, he’s going to be so jealous.”

“Bryan went out tonight?”

Britany flinches, “I’m sorry, Tru. I thought you knew.”

Not willing to spend another hour doing make-up, I swallow my tears, and we leave. I’m not sure where Bryan is, but I hope he sees me tonight. Before walking out the door, I grab my wallet and double-check that Bryan’s card is in it. Tonight is on him.