Through the white haze of the too-bright lights, shapes and surfaces began to take form. As I found my way back to myself I felt around for the thing in my chest, an instinctive movement that I did not fully understand.
A shell had been constructed around my heart, black and cold and utterly unyielding. I probed at it, trying to find a way in, but it had been shut off from me as completely as if it had been removed from my chest.
Perhaps it had. Perhaps it had, because fragments of memory were returning to me, and – and I could have sworn that I’d had many visitors here, wherever I was, and that none of them had come bearing well wishes or even good news. I swam upwards through the black, inky seawater, watching through swollen, tired eyes as the white shape around me became a bed.
Once I could see it, I could feel it: feel the too-hard mattress beneath my sore back, the lumpy pillows propping up my head. And
Over the course of my stay in hospital, I’d learned one major thing: I had made a mistake.Perhaps it would truly have been better to die than to take Salvor’s blood. I would have died a hero, having uncovered the vampire clan’s nest. The likelihood was also that Cyrus would still have his Nanny, too – he wouldn’t have left her unattended in those last, fatal moments to come to my aid.But what was done was done; it had been marked in time, irreversible and unchangeable. And here I was, packing up my meagre belongings – a wilting flower left for me by Cyrus, with a small, polite note attached it; half a bar of chocolate, left for me by my Paps; and my clothes, which my Paps had also brought with him. The clothes I’d been wearing the night I’d been brought in were blood-soaked, ripped, and ravaged, and I’d had no qualms about asking the hospital staff to put them straight in the bin.
I stared into the fogged bathroom mirror, my jar of coconut oil and a small vial of tea tree oil open in front of me, but as of yet untouched. It all felt achingly familiar: the little jar we kept our toothbrushes in, the speckles of black mould in the upper right corner of the shower, the burnt orange hand towel that had come with us from university house to university house, and finally to our first home.It had been the same way ever since I’d stepped through the threshold of the house and back into my old life. The rooms were the same, the furniture in them was the same; I could almost see our old selves wandering around, grinning and joking, Harper hugging me from behind, the bristles on his chin tickling the skin beneath my ear. I could see it all, but I felt… nothing.I blinked at my reflection. Same dark hair, only lanker and longer than the last time I’d seen it in this mirror; same dark eyes, underhung by purple
Days passed. Harper worked, and I drifted around the house, unfeeling and uncaring – until the nightly terrors struck, and my body shook with fear and sobs. I did not feel the pain of my hand, or the stitches in my neck, but as soon as darkness fell the pit in my stomach grew, morphing along with the faces in the shadows until my throat closed around my screams.I relieved the same day over and over. I ran the fingers of my right hand down the banister, along the back of the sofa, across the tatty Christmas table cloth Harper had put in the kitchen. I tried to force myself back into my old life, to make my new self fit with a past that no longer existed. Needless to say, it didn’t work.I did not eat, save for the meals that Harper cooked for me. It took too much concentration, and I could not be distracted for even a moment. Anyone could strike, when I was home alone like this. I had been saved by my team, and by Cyrus, too many
There was a timid knock on the half-open bedroom door. My eyes were open, and fixed on the window, but before I could turn fully Harper had stuck his head through the gap.“Oh – sorry.” He bit his lip, and averted his gaze. “I didn’t think you’d still be in bed.”And why would he? Until now, I had been an early riser – up before him even on my days off, heading out and citing some nonsense excuse to hide my hunting. The view before him today was very different indeed.The sheets were sweaty, pooled around my knees and kicked away to free my boiling torso. My body was fixed, my joints locked, like a dog with its hackles raised. I couldn’t see my face, but I could picture it, undoubtedly the same as it had looked every morning since I’d returned here: drawn and exhausted, pale beneath the brown of my complexion, dull eyes, dull hair, dull skin. White bandage taped
As the darkness crept into the room, the last burnished rays of daylight slipping away, so too did the demons lurking in my mind step forth. I worked my fingers, bones groaning, my body frozen and stiff in my thin clothes. I’d dozed intermittently throughout the day, holding my form in the same curled, uncomfortable position. My neck ached; tentatively, I rolled it, a sharp crack and a lash of pain unfurling with the movement.I sat upright, sending bullets rolling across the uneven floor. I stared with blank eyes at the weapons, feeling their phantom grip in my right hand. My left itched, but it was easy to ignore. I could hardly feel anything, now.Until my gaze drifted to the door. It had been open before, cracked wide enough to see where my exit lay – and to see any enemies approaching. But it was sealed shut, and as the dusk cast the room in shadow its edges paled and faded, until it was indistinguishable from the wall aroun
The next morning, I awoke to the door still shut. It evoked nothing in me: no pain, no fear. I tidied away the weapons, packing them into a bag and tucking them back into the wardrobe. I didn’t want Harper to see them – or to see me.I dressed quickly, spraying deodorant over the layer of sweat that coated my skin. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and was outside as dawn broke across the horizon.I was a fighter. I had found that in myself again. It was enough to keep the tears at bay as the cold morning wind lashed at my cheeks, and just enough to hold back the fear as I raced along the streets, the last vestiges of the night lurking at the edges of my vision.My throat burned as I breathed, sore and swollen from sobbing. The stitches in my neck tugged with every movement I made, tugging and tugging until mild discomfort became pain, and I crumpled into myself on the side of the pavement, finally allowing th
The duvet pooled around my waist. The racing of my blood roared in my ears, an ocean pulling back, reaching higher and higher, preparing to crash –I slipped from the bed, staring wide-eyed out into the darkness. I waited for something, anything, another tap, a pasty white hand reaching for the slice of open air between the frame and the glass. Nothing came.I stepped closer. I hardly felt the bite of cold air against my skin, hairs raising on my arms and thighs. The wind wound around me, a playful cat teasing its way between my shins and calves. I swallowed hard, my throat bobbing, and forced my eyes to look beyond the familiar pile of books stacked on the windowsill, the green light of the digital clock that I’d moved there to help keep the night at bay, the old rum bottle that Harper had kept from his first night at university. I looked past it all, yet still I saw nothing.I reached the windowsill. With n
I stayed silent, watching the tremors flickering across his face, waiting for him to speak. He swallowed hard, eyes tracing the stark white bandage around my neck, fingers tracing the bump of the cast around my left hand.“But I need to apologise first,” he murmured. “I… it was wrong to leave you there, alone, without a proper explanation.”I shook my head. “No – no. You owe me nothing, Cy. I’m the one at fault here. I broke my promise,” I whispered, my voice leaving me. I ducked my head, too ashamed to meet his gaze. In the low light they glittered, dark as polished onyx, the bright blue at their centre utterly obscured as the night drew in outside.“That wasn’t your fault,” he said roughly. “I know that, now.”I didn’t reply. I had nothing more to say. He squeezed my right hand and sighed. Something in