CHAPTER 176: Maya

POV: Selene Castellano

Kofi called at eleven that night.

Selene was already in bed, Elena quiet for once, the day finally releasing her into something close to sleep.

She answered on the first ring.

“Kofi,” she said.

“They found something,” he said. “When they were treating Maya’s blood pressure.”

His voice was different.

Stripped of everything except the words.

“What did they find,” she said.

“The pregnancy is gone” he said.

Selene sat up.

“Gone?” she said.

A long silence.

“The preeclampsia,” he said. “The stress. Her body—” He stopped. “They couldn’t stop it.”

“Kofi.”

“She didn’t know,” he said. “She had no idea. They told her and then they told her at the same time.”

“I’m coming,” Selene said.

“She said don’t,” he said. “She said you’re thirty two weeks and you had your own scare today and she said absolutely do not come.”

“I don’t care what she said.”

“Selene.” His voice broke slightly on her name. “She’s asking you not to. She’s asking for tonight to just be—” He stopped again. “She said she needs one night where she’s not being taken care of.”

Selene stood at the edge of the bed.

Avalon was already awake beside her.

Reading her face.

“Is she okay?” Selene said. “Physically.”

“Yes,” Kofi said. “They say she’ll be fine. The blood pressure is responding to medication. Physically she’ll be fine.”

“And you?” Selene said.

A silence that lasted too long.

“I didn’t know,” he said. “I didn’t know there was—” He couldn’t finish it.

“I know,” Selene said.

“I would have—”

“I know, Kofi.”

“She’s being very calm,” he said. “That’s what’s scaring me. She’s very calm and very quiet and Maya is never quiet.”

“Let her be quiet tonight,” Selene said. “Be there, don’t try fixing it. Just be there.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Call me if anything changes,” she said.

“I will,” he said.

He hung up.

She stood in the dark bedroom.

Avalon got up without speaking, he came and put his arms around her.

She stood in them and felt Elena moving between them and thought about Maya in a hospital room finding out she was going to be a mother in the same moment she found out she wasn’t anymore.

“She found out and lost it simultaneously.”

“Yes.”

She pressed her face against his shoulder.

“She told me not to come,” she said.

“Then we wait,” he said.

“I hate waiting,” she said.

“I know,” he said.

“She’s going to be devastated,” she said. “When the calm breaks. She’s going to be completely devastated.”

“Yes,” he said. “And we’ll be there when it does.”

She stood in his arms in the dark apartment.

Maya came home the next morning.

Selene was at their apartment when they arrived, having ignored Maya’s instruction not to come.

Maya walked in and saw Selene on the couch and stopped.

“I said don’t come,” she said.

“I know,” Selene said.

“I specifically said—”

“I know what you said.”

Maya looked at her.

Then she sat down beside her.

Neither of them said anything for a moment.

Kofi went to the kitchen and made coffee just because he needed to do something with his hands.

“I didn’t know,” Maya said finally.

“I know,” Selene said.

“How does that happen,” Maya said. “How do you not know?”

“It happens,” Selene said. “It happens more than people think.”

“I should have known,” Maya said.

“Maya.”

“I should have noticed something.”

“You were stressed,” Selene said. “Everything with Kofi, Thomas, the foundation. Your body was managing too many things.”

“That’s not an answer,” Maya said.

“No,” Selene said. “It’s not.”

Maya looked at her hands.

“They told me and then they told me,” she said. “In the same sentence almost. Congratulations and I’m sorry in the same breath.”

Selene took her hand.

Maya let her.

“Kofi didn’t know either,” Maya said. “I saw his face when they said it. He went completely—” She stopped. “He just went somewhere else for a moment.”

“He came back tho,” Selene said.

“Yes,” Maya said. “He came back.” She looked toward the kitchen. “He hasn’t left my side.”

Maya was quiet.

“I wasn’t even trying,” she said. “We hadn’t talked about it. It just happened. And then it—” She stopped.

“I know,” Selene said.

“How do you grieve for something you didn’t know you had,” Maya said.

“The same way you grieve anything,” she said finally. “You just do. There’s no right way.”

Maya looked at Selene’s stomach.

“I’m not going to be weird about it,” Maya said. “About Elena. I just want you to know that.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I’m not going to be weird about it,” Maya said again. Firmer. “She’s coming and that’s good. That’s completely good. I just need a minute to—” She stopped. “To hold both things.”

“Take all the minutes you need,” Selene said.

Kofi appeared with three mugs.

Set them down and sat on Maya’s other side.

Maya leaned into him slightly with his arm around her and not saying anything.

Just there.

The three of them sat in the apartment with the coffee getting warm between them and outside San Francisco doing its Saturday thing completely indifferent to what was being held inside.

Selene left at noon.

At the door Maya stopped her.

“Lena,” she said.

“Yes.”

“Don’t name her Maya,” she said. “I know that sounds—”

“Elena,” Selene said. “Her name is Elena.”

“I know,” Maya said. “I just—”

“Maya,” Selene said. “Her name is Elena. It was always going to be Elena.”

Maya nodded.

Something in her face settled.

“Okay,” she said.

The Selene left.

In the car Avalon said nothing for a block.

Then: “How is she?”

“Calm,” Selene said. “The way Kofi said. Very calm.”

“And you?”

She looked at the window.

“Sad,” she said. “And guilty.”

“Why guilty?” he said.

“Because I have what she just lost,” she said. “Elena is here and Maya’s—” She stopped. “I feel guilty for having what she doesn't have.”

“Elena isn’t the same baby,” he said carefully.

“I know that,” she said.

“And Maya said—”

“I know what Maya said,” she said. “I know it intellectually. The guilt doesn’t listen to the intellect.”

He drove.

She looked at the city.

“She’ll be okay,” she said. 

“Yes,” he said.

“And Kofi will hold on,” she said. “He didn’t leave her side.”

She put her hand on her stomach.

“Elena,” she said quietly. “Your Aunt Maya is sad right now but she loves you. She was the first person who screamed when we told her you were coming.”

Elena kicked.

That evening Selene sat in the nursery alone.

She thought about the courage of choosing hope again after you’d learned what hope could cost.

“Your aunt is brave,” she said to Elena. “Braver than she knows. She’ll tell you herself someday when she's ready." 

Her phone buzzed.

Maya.

A single text.

Kofi just told me about the peace lily. That he chose it specifically. 

A pause. Then another message.

I think I’m going to cry now. Finally.

Don’t come. I’m okay. I just needed to know that.

Selene read it twice.

Typed back.

I know. I love you.

Three dots appeared.

Disappeared.

Appeared again.

I love you too. Tell Elena her aunt is going to be embarrassingly devoted to her.

She already knows, Selene typed.

Good, Maya replied.

Get some sleep.

Selene put the phone down.

She looked at the room and everything was waiting to become itself.