Chapter 154: The Wolf I Finally Was

The hall was silver and the whole of the pack was on its knees on the flagstones and the two of us stood at the long table.

Mairéad came first.

She was a silver wolf and she had been a wolf for sixty nine years and she came at me low and fast the way she had come at my sister's sister on the headland in March. She took me off my feet and rolled me on the flagstones and the whole of the hall was the sound of it and the whole of the pack was on its knees and not one of them moved.

I got up.

She came again and this time I was ready and I put my shoulder into her chest and she went back against the long table and the whole of the table went over and the lamp went down on the flagstones and the whole of the hall was silver and shadow.

And then she was on me.

It was not like the headland in June. It was not a thing that was over in a minute. She was old and she was slow and she had not fought in fourteen years and there was a thing about her that I had not expected. She did not want to win. She wanted it to be over.

She came at my throat and I got my forelegs up and pushed and she came off and I got up and she came again and the whole of it went on and the whole of the pack watched and the whole of the nine watched and the whole of it was the sound of two wolves on flagstones and the smell of a hall.

And then she made a mistake.

She went for my shoulder and she was too slow and I was under her and I had her by the throat.

The whole of the hall went silent.

I had her by the throat and the whole of her was under me on the flagstones and the silver of her coat was on the stones and her eyes were on mine and she was not fighting.

And there was a thing about the whole of it that came up through me then and that I have thought about every day since. It was the wolf in my chest and it was not a thing that wanted to kill her. It was a thing that had been in a mirror in a cottage on the shore road and in a pool on the rocks and in a ring of stones at dawn and it had been waiting since the first night for the moment when the woman and the wolf were the same thing.

I had her by the throat and I let her go.

I stepped back and stood on the flagstones with my head up and my tail straight and the whole of the pack was on its knees and the whole of the hall was silver.

Mairéad got up.

She got up slowly and she shook herself and she stood on the flagstones and she looked at me and then she shifted.

She was a woman in a black coat with her silver hair down and her hand on her throat and she was not bleeding and she was not broken and she was standing.

"There is a thing about a challenge," she said, "that I have been in since 1983 and that I have never once lost. And there is a thing about a wolf who has lost one and who is standing on the flagstones of her own hall with the whole of the pack on its knees." She put her hand down. "She is not a wolf who is going to be banished. She is a wolf who has been answered."

The whole of the hall went up.

And then the woman with black hair came round the table and stood in front of the two of us.

"There is a thing about this challenge," she said, "that the whole of this hall is going to hear and then it is going to be in a file in Galway before the morning. The challenge was made by the woman Mairéad and it was answered by the woman Niamh in this hall on the night of the fourteenth of July with the whole of the pack as witness and the whole of the nine as record. And there is a thing about a challenge that is answered in a hall. It is answered. The woman Niamh is the Alpha of Dún Aonghasa and the seat is no longer vacant and the whole of it is going to be in a file with the date and the hour." She put her hand out. "And there is a thing about the whole of it that the court is going to say before it does another thing. The woman Mairéad was not killed and she was not broken and she is standing on the flagstones. And there is a thing about a wolf who has been answered and who is standing. She is not a rogue. She is a wolf of this pack and she has a room in it for as long as she wants one."

The whole of the hall was silent.

Mairéad looked at me.

"There is a thing about a room in this village," she said, "that I have been in since 1942 and that I am not going to be in after tonight. I have a sister in a room in Galway and a judge in a room in Dublin and a whole lot of things to say to a wolf in a cap and a notebook. And there is a thing about a woman who has been in a chair for fourteen years and who is not going to be in it." She put her hand on the table. "She is going to be in a room in Galway and she is going to say the whole of it and there is not a wolf in this hall who is going to be able to say she did not."

I shifted back.

It was the tenth time and it came up through me and the whole of the hall was a hall again and the whole of it was forty wolves on their knees and the lamp on the flagstones and the long table on its side.

And I was a woman in a hall with the ring on my finger and the whole of the pack in front of me.

"There is a thing about this hall," I said, "that the whole of this pack is going to hear and then we are going to put the table back on its legs and put the lamp on it and open the green door. The whole of it has been in a file and a court and a box and a shawl and a boot and a book and a hall. And there is a thing about the whole of it that no wolf in this village has said out loud since 1961. It was not a woman in a black coat and it was not a woman in a good coat and it was not a man in Galway. It was a village that was frightened and that did what it was told and that did not ask a question." I put my hand on my chest. "And there is a thing about a village that has done that. It is a village that is going to have to say it out loud and it is going to have to say it to each other and it is going to have to say it in a hall with the whole of the pack in it."

The whole of the hall was silent.

And then Tom got up off his knees and came down the floor.

"There is a thing about a village," he said, "that I have been in all my life and that I have never once been able to say out loud. It is a village that has been quiet for thirty six years and that has been quiet because every wolf in it was frightened. And there is a thing about a woman with gold hair who has been in it for a month and who has not been frightened." He put his hand on the table. "I am Tom and I have been the Alpha's hand for fourteen years and I set a fire in a back room and I have known since I was seventeen that my father pushed a woman off a cliff and I have never said it out loud. And there is a thing about a wolf who has never said it out loud. He is not a wolf who is going to be able to be in this pack until he has."

The whole of the hall was silent.

And then Hannah got up and then Arthur and then the whole of the eleven and the whole of the twenty and the whole of the nine.

It took until two in the morning.

And when it was done there was not a wolf in that hall who was on his knees and there was not a wolf in it who was standing alone.

Declan came and stood beside me with the whole of the pack behind him.

"There is a thing about the fourteenth of July," he said, "that I have been thinking about since the ridge. It is a full moon and the whole of the pack is in a hall and the seat is filled and the ring is on a finger and the whole of the file is going to be in Galway before the morning. And there is a thing about a pack that has done the whole of it in a month." He put his hand out. "It is going to have to learn how to be a pack when there is not a thing to fight."

I took his hand.

"Then there is a thing we are going to do in the morning," I said. "We are going to open that green door and we are going to go down to that shore and the whole of the pack is going to run on the sand at first light with the whole of the village watching." I turned round. "And there is a thing about a run on a shore at first light. It is the first thing that a pack does when it has stopped being a co-op."

The whole of the hall went up.

And then, from the door, a voice said, "There is a thing about the morning that the whole of you are going to want to hear before you run on any sand."

It was the sergeant. He was standing in the door with his cap in his hand and his face grey and a paper in the other.

"The woman in the good coat," he said. "She has been in a room in Galway since Monday and she has said the whole of it and she has signed it. And there is a thing about a woman who has said the whole of it and signed it. She has asked for a thing. She has asked to be brought down this coast and to be put in front of the whole of the co-op on the shore at first light."