Chapter 5

The next day I’m sat across from a police officer at my dining table, re living the events of last night. This is not how I had planned to spend my first day home alone.

Penelope is sat next to me with her head on my lap, her big brown eyes looking up so lovingly at me. As I stroke her head, I tell the officer what happened,

“Has anything like this happened before?” he asks, he makes me re live my entire relationship with Dylan right from the start and as I reach the end I suddenly realise I have been in such a toxic relationship the entire time, right back to when we first got together and he’d made me change the way I look. I didn’t see it at the time as he had done it subtly. He told me he didn’t like my leather jacket, Doc Marten boots, bright red hair and punk friends. I was so desperate for him to like me I did everything he asked. I wasn’t allowed to listen to my favourite music because he didn’t like it. When he bought me clothes, they were the complete opposite of what I would usually wear. He moaned about the way I brushed my hair, filed my nails and even the way I bathed! He had completely alienated me from all of my friends until I had no-one left but him.

When I met Liana, he’d said that he didn’t like her but thankfully she clung to me like an octopus to the face. We would argue a lot and he scared me when he was mad so I would say whatever I thought he wanted to hear, just to end the argument and make him happy. I had been a complete push over.

When the officer had completed his report, he said he would take a statement from my neighbour as she had witnessed the incident, he also had to take a photo of the bruise on my arm where Dylan had slammed the door into it, it was big and painful now and had turned a purple-blue colour.

“He will be arrested and questioned; I’ll ring you with an update when it’s done”

“Thank you” I say as I see him out.

This feels surreal. So much negativity has happened recently. I need to get away and make some happy memories with my babies. I feel lost and broken and like I am a shell of myself, I can’t even remember when I truly felt like myself.

I look online for a coastal holiday, I know exactly where I want to go, Cornwall.

                                                                

                                                     *

 

The school holidays creep up quickly. I haven’t seen or heard from Dylan, not even to see the children. Joshua and Rosie have only asked a couple of times where he is but I think they’re still scared from his outburst.

I’m busily packing our suitcases for our Cornwall holiday. I’m excited but anxious, this will be the first holiday we’ve had without Dylan.

He had been arrested two days after I spoke to the police, they gave him a ‘caution’ and put my address as a place of interest, which means if it happens again, the police will be there even faster.

Joshua is helping me pack his suitcase, while Rosie runs around with knickers on her head, a tutu and her brothers boots on. Harry drags his suitcase across the floor to Joshua’s room,

“All done” he says and points to his case, it’s filled with two boxes of cereal, a handful of LEGO and cuddly toys,

“Well done darling” I say as I give him a big squish. I’ll have to add his clothes to my bag instead.

 

                                                    *

I decided to leave early morning as it’s a long drive down to Cornwall and we’ll need a few pit stops. The children are fast asleep as I pour myself a coffee. Butterflies fill my tummy as I start to get excited thinking about our upcoming break. Penelope is wagging her tail; she must be excited to get away too.

The clock strikes five AM by the time I’ve loaded my sleeping children into the car, only Rosie stirred but fell straight back to sleep once she was strapped in, they each have their pillows and are covered in blankets, I’m hoping they’ll sleep most of the drive.

As I pull out of the driveway, I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Cornwall has always been my happy place, and I can’t wait to sit on Fistral beach and watch the children play in the waves, eat fish and chips and let the ocean wash away my troubles. The sea has always had a calming effect on me, hopefully this time away will be the beginning of my journey to becoming myself again.

I managed to drive for three hours before the children started to wake, just in time to see Stonehenge. I pull into the National trust car park and turn to the children,

“Who’s hungry?”

“Meeee!” they all chorus.

We ramble out of the car and walk over to the café on the site, after going for a much-needed loo break. As we walk through the door of the café we’re greeted by the smell of fresh coffee and baked goods, my mouth instantly starts watering. Harry’s face is pressed up against the glass counter as he eye’s up all the delicious food.

“That one Mumma pees”, Harry is pointing to a meringue nest coated in fresh cream and strawberries,

“Well, we are on holiday” I say, “What would you two like?” I say to Joshua and Rosie.

Joshua chooses a foot long bacon and cheese baguette and Rosie chooses a chocolate fudge brownie, I’m tempted by the cream tea breakfast but decide to wait for a proper Cornish tea when we arrive, I’ll get the croissant and an Oat milk dirty chai latte.

After breakfast we decide to walk round Stonehenge, it really does feel magical here and Penelope is glad to have a run around. I somehow feel connected to the space around me and it feels as though I am starting to heal, the history here has always interested me and I long to touch the beautiful stones, there’s something ephemeral about them. I run my fingers across the crevices of these stunning monuments, thinking about ancestors who came before. Suddenly I feel a tiny hand pulling at my cardigan and I notice how incredibly bored the children are, “I’m sorry guys, let’s get going”. I take one last look at the breathtaking landscape, and we head back to the car and carry on with our journey.

Another three hours in and I’m feeling proud of myself for doing this on my own. Dylan took away my independence and I relied on him far too much, I’m also feeling overwhelmed with pride at how well behaved the children have been. Joshua has been entertaining his little brother and sister as usual, telling them stories and playing I spy.

“My turn” I say “I spy with my little eye, something blue and sparkly”

The children all look round and then Rosie squeals with joy “the sea, the sea”

“It is the sea, we’re here!” The shimmering light from the sparkling sea fills my eyes and I feel a wave of joy and peace wash over me, I feel lighter, happier and free. Looking out on to what seems like a never ending horizon I think to myself, this is exactly what we needed, I can be happy again, I can be me again, I can be anything I want to be.

                                                   *

I follow my sat nav for ten more minutes to our home for the next five days. We pull into the driveway of the prettiest Cornish cottage; like the ones you only see in story books, the exterior has been painted white with all the woodwork a pale blue. The windows are adorned with pretty flower boxes and wooden shutters. Roses and wisteria are climbing up and around the front door and the pretty gardens are secured with a typical Cornish stone wall. There are succulents growing out of all the tiny gaps in the wall and huge hydrangeas are everywhere you look.

The path leading to the cottage is lined with daffodils and snowdrops, to one side of the cottage there’s endless rolling hills and to the other, the beautiful calming sea. I feel like I’m in a fairytale. This is perfect for us. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes, what a wonderful place to recharge and enjoy some calm, relaxing family time.

The children jump out of the car, and I grab their bags, the key has been left in a key safe by the owner. As I open the door the children and Penelope all bundle inside excited to see where they’ll be staying.

I step in onto a dark wooden floor, it creaks beneath my feet, the ceiling has original beams that have random nails in where decorations and pictures used to hang.  The stone walls are painted white and are cold to the touch but filled with love and happy memories. I head towards the kitchen with its blue gingham curtains, butler sink and an auger, this is my dream kitchen. I can imagine us living here permanently.

On the beautiful butcher block counter there’s a hamper with a little note:

‘Enjoy your stay’

Inside the hamper are fresh local eggs, locally produced honey and the most delicious smelling sourdough. The kitchen window looks out over the stunning established garden, I open the window and the delicate smell of the buddleia growing outside instantly hits my nostrils and engulfs me, I can hear the bee’s busily collecting nectar. I feel at peace.

I look around the rest of the cottage, the living room has a huge corner sofa that looks like it could swallow you whole. There’s a log fire already filled with kindling and ready to go. A small TV is on the wall and a box of children’s DVD’s and toys sit in the corner next to a fluffy grey dog bed. The creaky wooden stairs lead me upstairs to what will be my bedroom, it’s quite small but looks very cosy. I throw myself on the bed, oh my goodness, yes, this is the most comfortable bed ever! Maybe we really should stay here I think to myself, leave all the crap behind me and just live a simple Cornish life with my babies. All of a sudden, I hear their happy squeals and giggles as they all jump on top of me.

“We’ve got bunk beds mummy, it’s so fun” shouts Joshua and we all have a gorgeous family snuggle. In this very moment, I am happy.