The Tamed Wolf

There I am again, crouched behind a tree showing all my fragility. I was astonished in the midst of my thoughts, I could only cry and sob. Flashes of the past swirled around in my head.

- What the fuck! - He cursed - Shit, shit, shit!

My feet gave out and I landed on my ass. I threw my head back, leaning it against the tree, trying to ease everything I was feeling and thus calm my mind.

Obviously without result

I stayed like that, thrown into some tree staring at nothing while tears flowed through my eyes. I was tired. Tired of feeling, tired of thinking, tired of remembering, and so emptiness penetrated me.

I didn't see the time pass, I saw myself so weak and impotent that I started to feel like garbage, worsening my psychological state, to the point of seeing that I couldn't even cry anymore.

You can't even do that, you useless

That's when I felt drops of water fall on my arms and face. I looked up at the large gray cloud that was forming.

The weather was also rainy that fateful day. I remember well the feeling of suffocation and claustrophobia that the storm gave me.

I hate rainy days. I hate forests. I hate wolves.

I hate myself.

I hate being a monster, a being that lives on flesh and blood, survives on rage and lives in fear and aggression. No, I don't want that for myself, I just want to be a normal person with a job, friends, emotions and normal food.

Is it back? Can I take that part of me away? To be a simple mundane? Not feeling this physical and psychological pain?

Don't feel...

It feels like my body and mind are going to explode, it's too much information, my head is going to explode. My nose burns, these odors of nature want to take my breath away. My ear, holy hell, the main factor making my head throb.

- Shut up! - I get up exasperated with so much noise - STOP!

I knew there was no one there but I was completely desperate. The falling water, the insects and birds in the trees, the animals running to protect themselves from the rain, stomping in the puddles, everything that moved there was making deafening noises.

My skin is sensitive (what isn't Antonniet?) making me shiver to be under the freezing rain. But nothing compared to my vision, it seemed that I was drugged, it came and went at a constant pace as if it wanted to get used to each new drop of water and each figure that appeared.

I was disoriented, unable to understand what was near or far, be it sound or image. And I despaired again, everything was so intense, so painful. I didn't know what was real or, rather, what the real problem was. Every inch of my body and being was sensitive and intense. I couldn't say which was worse, my physical or emotional senses.

Pain, confusion, anguish and hurt. Everything I was feeling after I returned to human form realizing that I was what I feared most, a wolf.

My head was throbbing, my body was shaking with pain, my heart was pounding hard and fast. I was going to have a heart attack, which made me even more desperate, making everything I was feeling increase.

It was a roller coaster of emotions and pain that when I felt that I was going down there was a new peak of pain.

I noticed that the rain was getting stronger and I tried at all costs to see some place to protect myself and suffer in peace, however, I could barely stand up due to the pain I felt, and my vision was not cooperating. I was really panicking, my body was changing spontaneously and it scared me.

Anger, sadness and pain. It looked like they were fighting which one was stronger.

I fell to my knees moaning in pain. The insistent rain only served to make my ears hell. That's when I felt a suffocation and a feeling of claustrophobia from being soaked, making everything come back like a punch in my mind. Everything went dark and blurred as I fell there, in the middle of a forest, completely exposed and fragile.

what the hell

And until I completely lost my consciousness, I could hear the scandalous rain, as if it wanted to mock my face, and I felt the drops of water trying to pierce me when, finally, everything went out.

The moment was brief, a fraction of a second, but the relief I felt as my body shut down was very satisfying.