Serine
***
"Hey Dad," I smiled as I got into the two story home. "Hi pumpkin," he beamed and I went ahead and pulled him into a small hug.
"Are you okay? Did you take your meds? Do you feel different?" I bombarded."I was about to," he answered.
"Ahhh, of course," I rolled my eyes before saying, "Dad come on, you have to take your pills. Who knows what will happen if you don't. I don't want to even imagine, I don't even wanna think about it. You have to start listening to me," I sighed and he chuckled at me being concerned which I didn't find funny. "Not funny Mister. Nobodies even laughing," I hated it when my dad never listened to me. He was an aged man with lupus. At this point in life he might even-- I won't even say it.
"That's because it's only you and I," he looked at me amused. "Touché," I shrugged and went inside the kitchen. My favorite, yet not my favorite place to be at home.
Bulimia.
I suffered from bulimia. The day I found out wasn't a big surprise for my family and I, since it was known that we suffered from various diseases and disorders.
God curse the witches who cursed our bloodline."Did you eat?" I raised my voice so my dad could hear me. "Yes."
"Liar." I muttered and decided to heat some left over Chinese for him. While it was heating, I opened the fridge scanning for the perfect juice. Satisfied with Orange juice I grabbed the Lique Fruit box and once I closed the fridge, I jumped seeing my dad. "Dad, don't scare me like that," I notified holding my hand over my chest, frightened. Pouring the juice into the glass.
"I heated some Chinese for you-- although you said you ate. Liar," I opened the microwave.
Waiting for some reaction or response from my dad, I got nothing. Turning around and placing the food on the kitchen counter and I looked at my dad worried. "What's the matter?"
"I'm sorry pumpkin," I heard him say. "Dad what?"
"I'm so sorry, I have to leave you,"
"No, no dad what are yo- what's going on?" I asked walking towards him. "Pumpkin," I heard a voice from the other side of the room. I looked back seeing my dad walking this way.. What?
Looking up to my dad who was saying goodbye to me was no longer there.
Oh no.
My hallucinations.
I began to scratch my wrist with the strong nails that I've grown. Trying to respond to my dad who was not an hallucination.
I gripped the glass as tenaciously as I could but my body went full on lupus. And no, I don't have lupus. "Y-yeah I'm coming!" I stuttered trying my best to keep my composure. Yet the glass slipped from my grasp and the sight of Orange juice being splattered on the tiled floor made me body squirm. Something about liquid being spilt always seemed to make my body shiver.
"Pumpkin? Hey what happened."
"Nothing Dad. I- I jus-clumsy me," I nervously laughed. "Your hands are shaking," he stared at my hands.
"Don't worry dad it's nothing. I'll clean this up and you eat your food okay?" I said almost shoving the food in his hands. "You sure? I can help you clean up," he suggested which I said no to. "You have to sit down dad. Come on. I'll clean up just go eat your food. No biggie," he hesitated before leaving the kitchen and I let out a sigh and began scooping the broken glass.
Mom.
Suddenly I missed her and needed her. My heart seemingly ached at the thought of her.
I somehow maintained a strong connection with her.
She would still be here if it wasn't for me.
If she hadn't risked her life for me, she'd be here. I know it's silly thinking about it but that story that my dad told me.. that he avoids every time, gets me every time I think about it. I quickly scooped up the glass and moped the juice.
"Did you eat?" My dad asked. "Yes, yes I did. I had lunch at school, I'll probably make something for dinner later or I'll just have a fruit if I'm not hungry,"
"Serine you have to eat." I knew if he called me by my name he was being serious. "I do eat dad."
"You're getting thinner by the day though." He pointed out. I fought with my entire body to prevent myself not to roll me eyes.
I hated people pointing out the obvious. Like hey, I see it. Don't make me feel any less bad about myself by pointing it out every time you see something different in me.
"You know my condition dad and don't give me that story of finding help. I was destined with this. Call me if you need me I'll be in my room doing my homework," I said not giving him a chance to speak before rushing upstairs.
Though, I didn't lie. I did do most of my homework and by that I mean only 4 subjects and I studied endlessly.
I glanced at the time on my screen and it was 10:32pm. I began packing away my notebooks and my study notes.
I rushed to the bathroom in need to wash my face. Once I got there I did what I needed to do and something else as well. I untied the necklace that around my neck, which had a key to a small box in the bathroom. I unlocked the box and opening it I saw a razor.
Nostalgia kicked in.
***
~Present~
"You're far from finishing this interrogation, we may need you for more questions." I sighed closing my eyes. "Can I at least be served some coffee?" I asked desperate to stay awake.
"Malu, she needs coffee," he turned to a girl who had her hair tied up, her navy blue jeans hugged her curves and and she wore a black tank top and a black jacket with her ankle heel boot.
"Next question: how did you develop your addiction with drugs?" I tilt my head back refreshing my brain. Taking it to five years back.
***
~Past~
I was panting my temperature probably 37 or 38 although I felt hotter. I wouldn't be alive if my temperature ever went over that.
Anxious.
I was anxious.
The white powdered packet was in my sweaty palms. Screaming to opened and used. I've seen how is easy it had been done on tv and I asked myself... Why would I be different?
I entered this alley for one reason and one reason only.
To try what everybody said made you feel happy. Even if it lasted for a short amount of time.
I can't remember the last time in was actually happy. The nightmares and illusions of people who never existed. My screams echoing in a warehouse as I kept hidden my darkest secret. That left me scared for the rest of my life.
I was only a little girl..
Did I deserve it? "You were born," I still remembered his words like he was right next to me. Like that very day he stole the only dignified thing I had remaining.
Happiness wasn't too much to ask.
Even if it was just for a second, I wanted all the voices of my oppressors to be just be simple echoes. I wanted everything to be just one big nightmare. Where everything that I endured would be erased mentally, emotionally and physically. I was tired of everybody else having an opinion of me.
I just wanted to be happy. I want to be happy.
Without another thought I inhaled the marijuana and I immediately fell in love with it's affect.
I was happy.
For a few minutes I was.
***
I connected the razor with my skin and I just immediately felt content, allowing the razor to do it's magic. Deep into my skin.
Relief and sadness ran through my veins.
"Cut in deeper you murderer! It's what you deserve right?"
Tears flowed as I cut deeper allowing the blood to flow.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and I was welcomed by darkness
~~~~~~~~~~
Serine"It's so quiet here and I feel so cold. This house no longer feels like home,"-BEN COCK, So Cold***~Present~Previously:"I'm sorry mama," I whispered and I was welcomed by the darkness."It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault!" I yelled throwing the stone in the mirror and the sound of the mirror breaking filled my ears.Pieces of glasses were lying everywhere. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who the person in the mirror was, the one with fresh tears, the one who's reflection was distorted, the one who was a complete mess. The goner.I was nothing but a nuisance to everybody who had to deal with me on a daily. I was nothing but a monster. A stupid teenager who doesn't know how to solve her own problems."Dad! Dad, help me I'm not okay!" I yelled looking at my reflection."Someone please help me. Anyone."I woke up with pain from both my forearms, I glanced down to both of them seeing them a smaller amount of blood than I expected. I wasn't much of a "bleeder"Trying
Serine"My momma always say "girl your trouble" and now I wonder would you ever fall for a woman like me?" -LITTLE MIX, Woman like me***"What did you just call me?" I snapped my eyelids open, oddly missing the warmth of his palm on my skin. Wait, what am I even saying? I should be insulting him for touching me without my consent!"A princess," he chuckled and I snapped my eyelids shut trying to suppress a glare. Suddenly, I felt so nauseous but nothing seemed like it wanted to come out. I snapped my eyes back open seeing that no one else was here, it was only Alexander and I.I forgot it's class.How long had my eyes shut?I shook my head when everything became fuzzy as I tried focusing on one thing only. But everything kept spinning, playing games with my head. "Hey, what's going on?" I immediately felt like I was high, his voice was kind of distant yet close.What did I drink? Did I eat something? "Serine? Serine what's happening?" His voice becoming so much louder and my head s
Serine***One month later"Ms Wilson is really doing it with these prom dances," I sighed looking at all the other students who were just ecstatic. It was that time of senior year,Prom. And truth be told, I did not want to go. But when you have a friend like Levine, you can never get an ounce of freedom. Prom wasn't until the next couple of months and she was here, having all of us gathered in the school hall, and instead of giving us a heartfelt speech of us leaving, she couldn't care less. Her voice echoing through the school hall with all the chatter of the students who were absolutely restless.I sighed."Students, settle down." She spoke."Did you bring my ear muffs?" I cocked my head to left. "As always," Sarah answered softly and handed me a gray pair of ear muffs and I smiled as if she had just saved my life.Well- she had. She saved me from listening to a horrific speech about the prom and whatever else there was to say. I discreetly planted my AirPods and covered them wi
Serine***One month earlierOkay I was seriously not having it. At all.Slamming head into the notebook, I was drained. Have you ever just felt like... dead tired? 'Cause I was beyond exhausted and I needed sleep.Serine"Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel." - Micheal Jackson, Speechless***One month later"Ms Wilson is really doing it with these prom dances," I sighed looking at all the other students who were just ecstatic. It was that time of senior year,Prom. And truth be told, I did not want to go. But when you have a friend like Levine, you can never get an ounce of freedom. Prom wasn't until the next couple of months and she was here, having all of us gathered in the school hall, and instead of giving us a heartfelt speech of us leaving, she couldn't care less. Her voice echoing through the school hall with all the chatter of the students who were absolutely restless.I sighed."Students, settle down." She spoke."Did you bring my ear muffs?" I cocked my he
Serine***It was now detention.And I could've sworn I was half dead.My body was about to give in, God was finally taking me to a much more better place, and he arrived at the right time. I didn't mind dying in my sleep- "Ms Williams!" My head shot up and that was a huge mistake because I felt a strong pain erupt on my neck. Straining it. I winced and placed my palm there as Mr Jackson looked back to the pile of pages but not before giving me a knowing look.I rolled my eyes.You are the cause of the pain in my neck, idiot.And oh my, so much would've happened if I ever said those words out loud. I wasn't taking note of anything until I felt a piece of material hit my cheek. I glared at the poor piece of paper and looked around the room to findYes, people. This was Mr Jackson's detention ways. Because there's nothing more painful than being stuck in a classroom only with 5 people and only one was occupied. I glanced towards the one girl who was chewing her gum silently looking o
Serine***"Hey there," I heard a familiar voice and I felt my heart stop. I looked at the lifeless body that had their eyes closed and looked at peace. "What did you do to him?""Oh you're not going to greet your old dear friend?" He asked stepping closer and I took a step back."Did you miss me Serine?" "Don't come any closer," I hated my voice for sounding so fearful but I didn't have time to lecture myself. I proceeded in taking more steps back. "Why are you walking away?" He tilted his head to the side getting closer. "I won't hurt you," he whispered and that's when I felt my back hit the wall."No please," I let out a shaky breathe when I felt him caress my cheek."NO!" I head shot up and I found myself staring at my own reflection. I found myself trying to steady my breathing and calm myself down.Relax Serine. I told myself.It was just an hallucination. I reminded myself.I sat there and removed sweaty hands from him. It's had been a week since my dad hadn't woken up. He nev
Serine ***I stared at the girl in the mirror and I shook my head, disappointed. What happened to me? I was okay, I was completely fine.But I just had to be pushed down once again. I just had to let myself be hurt again, I just had to see him.Dream about him and have nightmares with only him in them. Why didn't I do something? Why couldn't I speak up? Why was I weak? Why did I have to fluctuate? Why did I pay the price at such a young age?Why did I leave my dad on my own? Why? Why did it have to be me.I hopped into the shower and allowed the hot water burn my skin. I never felt bothered as I saw some parts of my body become a darker shade of pink and allowed my muscles to relax.***"Everybody please welcome your new classmate. Serine Williams," I shyly looked up and felt more than a dozens of eyes staring at me and nobody said a word. "Why's everybody so quite?"Ms Pillar seemed to have spoken to soon when everybody began laughing.Their young mirths were like knives stabbing m
Serine ***The rest of the day had gone fine but I was not my usual self because of everything that happened with my dad. I wrote down the last words of my notes and then closed my book tiredly.Sinking down my seat, I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples."Alright students, your assignment is due next week-" Ms Blue wasn't able to finish her sentence when an army of groans were heard. "Do you want me to make it Friday?" She raised her brow and everybody else kept quiet."That's what I thought. So for this assignment no group work will be needed." I internally sighed and thanked the heavens. The last thing I needed, was to be surrounded by a group of people speaking, spilling and suggesting. "You will have to do this on your own. Due date is Thursday and it should be completed."And right on time, the bell rang. I tiredly got up and shoved my spare notebook inside my bag and got out after the other students had left. I wasn't even three steps out yet and a familiar pair of eyes met m