Everyone has a desire in life.
"More! More! More!"
Everyone has a comfort zone.
"Go! Go! Claudia, Go!"
Mabilis kong nilagok ang mga maliliit na baso sa harap ko. I didn't mind the bitterness and the toxic flooding my throat.
"You won, Claudia!" Tiffany screamed at my ears.
Nagmulat ako at nakita ko ang masasayang mukha ng mga kasama ko rito sa club. I can hear their shouts and laughter for me. This is where I belong.
Hindi ko na alam ang sunod na pangyayari. Naghilamos lamang ako pagkatapos ng laro namin nang maramdaman ko ang pangingirot ng ulo ko. Then my eyes went black.
"Claui! Are you okay?"
Naalimpungatan ako sa sigaw ni Tiffany. Kumikirot ang ulo ko. Parang sinusuntok 'yon ng isang milyong kamao.
"Nasaan ako?"
Naupo ako at tumingin sa paligid. I realized it was Tiffany's room.
"Duh...lagi naman kita dinadala rito after you pass out in the club. Masyadong marami ang nainom mo kagabi. Okay ka na ba?"
Hinawakan ko ang ulo ko at hinilot 'yon. Umiling ako. Hinding-hindi magiging okay ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. I almost drank a whole gallon of alcohol!
"Si Tristan? Tinawagan mo ba?" I asked.
"Tristan...I didn't."
Nangunot ang noo ko. Tumingin ako sa kaibigan ko. Ang blonde niyang buhok na pina-dye niya kahapon ay bumabagay sa puti niyang balat. Bloodshot ang mga mata niya at kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay gano'n din ang sa 'kin.
"Nakita mo ba siya kagabi bago tayo umalis?"
Umiling siya at naupo sa tabi ko. Umayos ako nang pagkakaupo para magkaroon siya ng espasyo. Maliit lang itong kama niya na kasya lamang sa maliit niyang apartment.
"I didn't. Do you want me to call your driver to pick you up?" pag-iiba niya ng tanong.
"Yes, please."
Umalis siya sa tabi ko.
Pinigilan ko siya. "Wait."
Her forehead creased and waited for me to speak up.
"We don't have a driver anymore. Mom fired Manong Tio."
"Talaga? Bakit?"
I shrugged and stood up as well. "I don't know what Mom's planning. Pagkatapos nilang mag-divorce ni Daddy ay naging bungangera na siya."
"Hindi ba bungangera naman na talaga si Tita Josefina?"
I exhaled a deep breath and massaged my forehead.
"I can't deal with that situation anymore. No one has ever cared for me since and I don't want to care for them too."
"I understand. If only you could choose your dad."
I squeezed my hands into fists. No one wants me. My mother's busy taking care of my two-year-old sister. My father has a family of his own, simply because he cheated. I'm not mad at him. He has his reasons for cheating.
"Mag-hail na lang tayo ng taxi. Tara."
Sumunod na ako sa kanya palabas. Nararamdaman ko ang dumi sa aking katawan. Gusto ko nang bumalik sa sarili kong kwarto at magkulong do'n.
Pagkalabas namin ay nakita ko si Tristan. He was about to knock on Tiffany's door. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko nang mag-panic siya.
"Bakit ka narito?" pagtatanong ko.
"Hi, Claui." He leaned on me and kissed my cheek.
I looked at Tiffany. She became quiet. I looked back at Tristan who's looking at Tiffany.
"Tell me what's going on."
Tiffany shrieked. Nanlaki ang mata ko. Bumilis ang paghinga ko nang makita ang bitch face niya na sa iba lang niya ipinapakita.
"Hindi ko na kayang manahimik, Tristan," she barked.
"Anong nangyayari?" bulong ko.
I looked at them, back and forth.
"Claudia, I like Tristan."
Nabingi ako sa sinabi niya. Unti-unting kumulo ang dugo ko. Ikinuyom ko ang kamao ko at mabilis na inilipad 'yon sa mukha ni Tristan.
"How could you toy Tiffany and me?!" I shouted.
I gripped Tiffany's hand and pulled her away from Tristan.
"Claudia, wait!"
Tumigil kaming dalawa sa tabi ng kalsada. Inalis niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa kanya.
"Sa akin ka dapat magalit. Not at Tristan. Tristan has nothing to do with this."
"How could you?" I whispered with bitterness in my voice.
"Pinagkatiwalaan kita. Sana sinabi mo na lang noon na gusto mo rin si Tristan. Hindi na sana ako pumayag na ligawan niya ako. Gosh...I can't deal with this right now."
I turned away my face and blew out my cheeks.
"I know...I'm sorry."
Tiningnan ko siya sa mata. "I trusted you. I thought we're friends."
"We are! I'm sorry. I got tempted. Nasa iyo na ang lahat. Mahal ka ng mga tao. Masaya sila kapag nand'yan ka. May Tristan ka. Ako? I have nothing."
I scoffed. "Diyan ka nagkakamali, Tiffany. Insecure ako sa 'yo! Wala kang magulang na magagalit sa 'yo lagi dahil naglasing ka o pumunta ka ng club. Walang kokontra sa gusto mo. Marami ring nagmamahal sa 'yo. And me? I don't feel like I belong to someone."
She sniffed and wrapped me with her arms. Sumama na rin ako sa pag-iyak niya.
"I need some time to think. I'm still mad at you."
Nagbitaw na kami. Hinayaan niya akong mag-hail ng taxi. Bago ako pumasok sa loob ng sasakyan ay sinulyapan ko muna ang kaibigan ko. With bitterness, I smiled at her.
Everyone has someone that they belong to. Seeing Tiffany with Tristan makes me realize that no one could ever love me. I have no one.
"St. Village po, kuya," I informed the taxi driver.
Nakita ko pa ang pagkaway ni Tiffany sa akin. I didn't wave back. I felt cold within me. I felt broken.
Pagpasok ko sa loob ng malaking bahay namin ay nakita ko si Mommy sa sala kasama si Sofia, ang kapatid ko. Masaya silang naghahabulan sa malawak na silid. Hindi nila ako napansin na naglalakad pataas ng hagdan. I felt invisible.
Hindi pa ako tuluyang nakahahakbang sa itaas ng hagdan ay tinawag na ako ni Mommy. I felt relieved that she can see me. Though, I know she's going to lecture me again.
"Where have you been? I've been looking for you, Claudia!"
I rolled my eyes and faced her. Her face upset me again. I can't deny that she looks like me. Ang kanyang mata na kulay itim at ang matangos niyang ilong ay katulad na katulad ng sa akin. Kahit ang kanyang makapal na labi. I always admire her beauty when I was a child. Look at me now, hating every bit of similarities that I have on her.
"Nasa apartment ako ni Tiffany," maikli kong explanation.
"Bumaba ka rito."
Sumunod ako sa utos niya. Tumalikod sa akin si Mommy para buhatin ang kapatid ko. As if it was my cue, I ran upstairs, defying my mother's order.
Nagkulong ako sa kwarto ko. Pakinig ko pa ang sigaw ni Mommy sa labas. Hindi na ako muling bumaba para makinig sa sermon niya.
"Claudia, let's talk."
Tumingin ako sa pinto ng kwarto ko. I jerked my head in the opposite direction and laid comfortably on my bed. I closed my eyes and recalled everything before when we're still a whole family. Noong wala pa akong kapatid at ako lamang ang inaasikaso nila.
Noong dumating si Sofia, para siyang malas na dumikit sa pamilya ko. My parents were fighting all day long and Sofia fueled the fire. They didn't plan Sofia. As much as I'm concerned with that baby, mas lalo lang umusbong ang galit ko sa kanya dahil siya ang dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay ang magulang namin.
"Am I too immature?"
Bumagsak ang luha sa mata ko. I wiped it away and let my hangover drifted me off to sleep.
I woke up feeling the emptiness of my stomach. I turned to the clock on my nightstand. It's past lunch.
I looked at the door and decided to go downstairs for food. Humarap ako sa vanity mirror ko at sinakop ang makapal at wavy kong buhok. I made a bun and put a lip balm on my lips.
Bumaba rin ako kaagad. I know they won't be here downstairs because my mother has a routine for Sofia's nap time.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Katulad nang inaasahan ko ay wala nga ro'n si Mommy at Sofia. Dumeretso ako sa kusina at kumuha ng tatlong loaf bread sa pantry. Kumuha rin ako ng isang basong tubig.
Hahakbang na sana ako paalis doon nang mapakinggan ko ang boses ni Mommy sa laundry area.
My forehead creased. She looked like she's talking on the phone. Hindi na sana ako mangi-eavesdrop pero napakinggan ko ang pangalan ni Daddy.
Ibinaba ko sa kitchen island ang pagkain at baso. I moved to the laundry door and opened it slowly. I saw Mom with a phone in her ear. I could see her back and her foot tapping the tiles. Is she nervous to talk with Dad?
"I said we need to go to Mama, Leandro! I'm only asking for a week. I can't take care of Mama, Sofia, and even Claudia!"
I could feel the tingling ache inside my heart. I formed a fist and listened to what she's going to complain about me. Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang niya ako payagang doon na lang ako kay Daddy? She's so selfish.
"Can't you just hear me out? Mama is not going to live any longer. She's weak and I need to be with her. I'm asking you to take care of Sofia."
I exhaled a sigh. I turned my back and closed the door with a bang. Alam kong mapakikinggan 'yon ni Mommy at wala na akong pakialam.
Kinuha ko ang mga pagkaing kinuha ko at umakyat na sa itaas. Isinarado ko ang pinto ng kwarto ko at naupo sa kama. Ipinatong ko ang baso sa nightstand at tahimik na inubos ang tinapay sa bibig ko.
"Claudia?"
Bumaling ang ulo ko sa pinto. I stared at it and didn't think of opening it.
"I need to talk to you. Just this once, young lady."
I rolled my eyes and stood up. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan. What could make me uneasy about what Mom's going to tell me? What could make her words change my life forever?
"Are you okay?" That's what she asked right after I opened the door. "You won't ask that if you would look at me for once instead of your other daughter." I could see the rage in her eyes. My mother has been a short-tempered person. Like me. We're so similar I wanted to throw up. "Answer my question, Claudia Francesca." I scoffed. I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrow. "What if I don't? Are you going to throw me out of this house and make me live with Dad? If that so,I will shut up." She took in a sharp breath and stepped into my room. I watched her sat on my bed. She saw the bread I stole in the kitchen but didn't argue with me about it. "Your grandmother was asking me to be with her in her last days. She's not getting any stronger. Gusto ka rin niyang makita bago siya mawala." My mouth formed an 'O'. I've never met Grandma since I was five. Hindi na rin naman kami bumisita pa pagkatapos niyon.
I thought I won't be seeing myself on this vacation. But here I am, traveling with my mother and my sister for God knows how many hours. I groaned in annoyance. "What's wrong, Claudia?" Everything about this is wrong. I looked at my sister sitting on my lap. "Let me drive us there. I want to drive instead of being a pillow for this girl," I said in a disgusted tone. "Hold her for another hour. Malapit na rin naman tayo." I cursed inside of my head. Namamanhid na ang binti ko at hindi rin ako makagalaw dahil sa bigat nitong si Sofia. I drew a long breath. I have no choice and let this slide. An hour had passed and an hour again. After three hours, my mom stopped in an old big house. "I didn't know Grandma's house is bigger than ours." "This is my father's house. The other one we visited when you were younger was your grandmother's, do you still remember?" Tiningnan ko ang mga mata ni Mommy. Umiling ako. "
I went to the seashore that I saw a few meters away from the house. I spent my time thinking about my experiences in life. What happened in the past that brought me so much disappointment, discontentment, and above all...pain. Sino nga ba ang dapat sisihin dito?Hindi ako. My parents made me like this. They smeared dirt on my poor childhood. "Psst!" I winced in shock and gasped when someone touched my shoulders. Mabilis akong napatayo mula sa pagkakaupo ko sa malaking bato na nakita ko rito sa dalampasigan. Nang makita ko kung sino 'yon ay nawala ang bigat sa dibdib ko at sa halip ay galit ang umusbong sa 'kin. "Can you stay away from me?!" He cracked up. I squinte
"Hija, sumalo ka rine sa amin," Grandma offered when I walked downstairs.My mother was busy feeding Sofia while Grandma ate on her own. Doesn't Grandma need more help than Sofia?I rolled my eyes and walked to Grandma. "I'll help you eat."Naupo ako sa tabi niya at kinuha ang kutsara na nasa kamay niya."Hindi na, apo. Matatapos na rin ako rine. Mag-umagahan ka na."I raised a brow. "Okay."Tahimik akong kumuha ng hotdog at banana sa harap ko."Leave the hotdogs for Sofia. Eat the bananas and bacon, Claudia," my mother interfered.Ibinagsak ko ang kutsara ko. It made a noise on the table that made her mad."Of course, you forgot. I hate bacon as much as Ihateyou.""Kayo talagang mag-ina, magka-ugaling magka-ugali kayo, kaya iyan...lagi na lang kayong nagbababag," Grandma voiced out.I lowered my head and laughed so loud it made me cry. I lifted my chin and gave my mother a sul
I heard knocks on my door. I opened my eyes even it won't. I groaned and sat. I looked for the time on my phone and groaned again when I saw it was two am."Claudia! I need you right now! It's your grandmother!"That woke me up. Adrenaline rushed through my body when I stood up and ran outside without talking to Mom. I went to Grandma's room and saw her difficulty in breathing."Grandma!"Hawak-hawak niya ang kanyang dibdib habang nahihirapan sa paghinga. Nagtama ang paningin namin at pagkatapos ay hinawakan niya ako sa kamay."Kuhanin...mo ang libro sa ilalim ng unan ko," utos niya sa akin.I'm panicking. My hands are sweaty when I helped her sat up. Mabilis kong inalis ang unan niya at kinuha ang librong tinutukoy niya."What will I do with this?!" I asked, frustrated.I've never felt worried and teary in my life. I gasped when Grandma held my hand. Tears pooled her eyes."Gusto kong pumasok ka sa...attic. Pinto...p-"
"Bakit naka-lock 'to?" Pinilit kong buksan ang pinto pero hindi talaga magbukas 'yon. Humarap ako sa lalaki na hindi pa rin umaalis hanggang ngayon. "Ni-lock mo ba 'to?" pag-aakusa ko sa kanya. Itinuro niya ang sarili niya. "Ako pa? Have you seen me near your door and lock that? I can't even hold that doorknob." I blinked twice. Napatingin ako kay Sofia na hinihigit ang kamay ko. "I wanna go out," she wailed. Napailing ako. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko. Pinihit ko ulit ang doorknob. Hinampas ko ng palad ko ang pinto. "Is there someone in there?!" I shouted at the door while banging it. "Please, help us get out of here!" Ilang minuto akong kumakatok sa pinto pero walang nagbubukas niyon. I sighed in disbelief and worry.Paano na kami ngayon? "What do you suggest we do?" I asked the guy. He shrugged. He looked at my younger sister. I watched him knelt in front of Sofia. "Hey, littl
Sofia and I stayed in this big room for two days. We haven't gone outside kahit na nate-tempt ako. I don't want to take Sofia around. Baka mapahamak pa siya at ako na naman ang mapagalitan. In the first place,why Mommy leaves her beloved daughter with me? There's no need to go outside. Every hour ay may pumapasok na maid at nagtatanong nang maitutulong niya sa amin. Everything from breakfast to dinner, even snacks is covered. I don't need to lay a finger because the maid would clean the room for us. I like it here. I don't need to face my mother every damn time. I can do everything I want here. I can eat everything I want and most especially, I don't need to take care of my sister because there's a maid who's doing that for me. Napangiti ako nang makita ang papalubog na araw sa labas ng bintana ng kwarto ko. I have a separate room with Sofia and I like this privacy. Napalingon ako nang may kumatok sa pinto. Binuksan ko 'yon, thinking it
Two days passed again. I haven't heard anything from Writan nor Bok. I'm comfortable that we're not wasting our time besides, our world's time is stopped on the other side.I tried writing on my own. Every room has a typewriter, paper, pencils, and pens. That's why this world is for writers. Totally. I don't know if it's my thing, but I don't mind. I don't have anything to do, anyway. What intrigues me is that I'm not bored here unlike on the other side. Maybe because I don't have to think about Mom, nagging about everything.Huminga ako nang malalim. Tiningnan ko ang bintana at nakita ang dalawang tao na nakaupo sa isang bench. They were exchanging books every three minutes, I've counted it. I'm curious about them and so, I feed my curiosity.Paglabas ko ng kwarto ko ay nakita ko si Sofia na naglalaro kasama ang maid niya. I'm thankful for the maid 'cause she's making my job easier. I don't have to take care of my sister; I have the time on my own."Lala