Night one of Dying

I spent hours in my apartment thinking of what I could have done wrong to end up here but I don’t think there’s an answer. So I picked up my jumbled brain and began to focus on my emails. I open my nightstand to find my laptop and decide to distract myself with an other chatroom. I’ve used this chatroom to try and socialize with other people my age. It helps that it’s a chatroom for intelligent kids to pick each other’s brains and it’s mostly anonymous. Especially since socializing is not my strong suit.

I log on and wait for my first IM to arrive.

M: Hey, how are you?

C: Hard day but nothing a good conversation can’t fix.

(It wasn’t a lie - A moment like this makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with and forget).

M: Care to share?

C: With a stranger? I think not.

What would he say? Sorry? Pity wasn’t what I needed.

M: You don’t remember me, do you?

C: Have we met?

M: We haven’t officially but we chatted a couple of times. How’d your SAT testing go?

C: Apparently we have . And Badly.

M: It may not have been the best score but you can retake it.

C: It’s not that I didn’t pass. I passed out.

M: Are you okay?

C: Yeah. I’m fine. So what’s your name mystery man?

M: Why take away the excitement? I like mysteries.

C: Because I’ll tell you mine.

M: I know yours. Cassandra.

Okay - a bit creepy. I don’t remember telling him my name. That’s not like me.

M: You accidentally sent me your name when you sent me a picture of piles of internship applications. I’m not stalking you.

So we’ve spoken on numerous occasions. I must have liked this guy to talk to him so many times.

But I thought every chat is anonymous.

C: In that case, I believe it’s only fair you share your name.

M: You drive a hard bargain Miss Cassandra. My name is Maverick.

Maverick. Hmm. I smile slightly as I type away response.

C: A nice name for a mystery face. Nice to meet you Maverick.

M: Likewise. Now that I’m no longer a stranger, how’s your internship application status going?

He actually paid attention to what we talked about as if it held meaning in his day-to-day life. Maybe if I hadn’t found out I was potentially dying, I’d have been impressed. But nonetheless, I enjoyed our conversations.

C: I’m still waiting to see if I made the final candidates list for my top choice before I decide. What about you?

M: You’ll get it. I’m actually in the same predicament. Guess that’s what happens when you choose a competitive position.

His reassurances were nice to hear although I imagine he gives them to everyone on these chats. You kill more Bess with honey than vinegar of course.

C: So how do you know when I’m online to have spoken to me so many times?

M: You’ll can add anonymous users to your chat friends and it basically tells you when they’re up for a chat.

C: You added me as a friend?

M: I find our conversations about our stresses riveting.

He finds our conversations about struggling for succession riveting? That’s a weird way to look at things. If I told him I was dying, he’d see things differently. There would be no succession for me, or the potential of an us if he knew. Although I don’t think there is an us anyway. He probably lives in another country or an entirely separate universe where I don’t fit in.

C: I have a new topic to talk about.

M: Riveting

I can imagine a perfect smile behind the screen as he wrote that.

C: What do you think about the concept of dying?

M: That’s a dark one. I think dying and death only matters when you feel like you have so much left to do.

C: Like building a legacy?

M: Exactly. If I were dying, I’d want to experience the best out of life, do something different and maybe have a silly bucket list to check off.

C: You wouldn’t want to work harder to achieve the goals you’ve worked on your whole life?

M: Why rob myself of any hypothetical time I have left?

Why rob myself of whatever time I left? I never bothered to ask that question although my cancer is a new concept to grab altogether. Maybe I could be focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe when will I die is the wrong question to ask and the right one would be - when will I live?

C: Riveting

M: Now that’s what I like to hear. LOL.

I don’t know what it is about this Maverick but I could see a beautiful thing growing out of these conversations in real life. If I wasn’t dying that is.