Loosing control

Lucian's pov

I was mad as hell.

Not the kind of mad that made you punch walls or break things. This was deeper. Uglier. The kind of mad that settled into your bones and poisoned everything it touched. I hated this. Hated the way I had shouted at her. Hated the way she had looked at me; tears in her eyes, betrayal on her face. Hated the way Niko Volkov had stood there, watching and waiting.

Most of all, I hated myself.

Because I knew why I had shouted. Because I knew why my wolf was snarling. Because I knew why the sight of Cressida in someone else's arms made me want to tear the world apart.

She was mine.

And I was losing her.

The patrol was supposed to be routine.

A few enforcers. A quick sweep of the eastern border. Nothing exciting. Wolves did this every night. I had done it a hundred times if not a thousand.

Tonight, everything grated.

"Alpha, the eastern fence needs repairs."

"I'll handle it."

"The vampire situation..."

"I said I'll handle it."

"The council is demanding..."

And then I didn't even realize when I snapped.

Not at the wolf speaking. At the wall beside him. My fist connected with the stone. The impact cracked the mortar and ain shot up my arm.

The enforcer present; Gregor, old Gregor, who had served Blackfrost for forty years...went pale.

"Alpha-"

"Don't." My voice was low and deadly. "Don't say another word."

Gregor opened his mouth but I already had other things in mind.

I shifted immediately.

The change was agony. It always was. The curse made sure of that. Bones cracked and reformed. Muscles tore and knitted. My spine elongated. My jaw pushed forward. Fur sprouted from my skin.

For a moment, I was in between...neither wolf nor man, just pain.

Then my paws hit the ground and I ran off immediately.

The forest swallowed me.

Trees blurred past. Snow sprayed beneath my paws. My wolf was in control now; wild and furious and desperate. He didn't care about the council or the treaty or the patrol. He cared about her.

Mate, he whined.

I know.

Mate is angry.

I know.

Mate is sad.

I know.

But he only ran faster.

Behind me, I heard Kade shift. Heard him call for backup. Heard the thundering of paws as the pack followed their Alpha into the dark.

But that didn't show me down one bit.

I later stopped at the river.

The ice was thick here, black and still. The moonlight turned the water into silver. Trees lined the banks, their branches heavy with snow. It was hauntingly beautiful.

I hated it. Maybe because it reminded me strongly of her.

I shifted back. The change was harder this time. The curse screamed. My body screamed. I collapsed onto my knees, gasping, shaking with my hands pressed to the frozen ground.

Kade landed beside me a moment later. His shift was smoother. Of course he wasn't the cursed one.

He didn't say anything. Just stood there, breathing hard, waiting.

I pressed my forehead to the ice.

"I can't do this," I said.

"Can't do what?"

"This. Any of it." My voice cracked. "I'm losing her, Kade. I can see it happening, and I don't know how to stop it."

"You shouted at her."

"I know."

"You humiliated her in front of the team."

"I know."

"Then why?"

I looked up. My reflection stared back at me; pale, wild, broken.

"Because I saw her with Niko," I said. "Because she ran to him. Because she hugged him. Because she laughed with him in a way she only laughed with me in weeks."

Kade was quiet for a moment.

"That's not enough," he said. "That's not enough to explain... this." He gestured at the forest, the patrol, the wolves still crashing through the trees behind us.

"I know."

"Then why?"

I closed my eyes and felt the curse pulse in my chest. The cold seeped through my clothes. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled.

"Because I think she's my mate," I said.

The words hung in the air heavily but Kade didn't speak.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. His face was pale, but his eyes were steady.

"You think?" he said.

"I know." My voice was raw. "I've known since the road. Since the crash. Since the moment I touched her hand in the locker room and the bond snapped into place."

"The bond?"

"It was there for a heartbeat. Bright and burning. And then...." I swallowed. "Then it vanished. Like a door slamming shut. Like the moon herself had changed her mind. Not until the tower incident when she lost....when she saved me" I tried but to give her away.

Kade sat on the ice beside me and his shoulder pressed against mine.

"Does she know?"

"No."

"Does anyone know?"

"No." I looked at him. "And no one can. If the council finds out...if Marcus Voss finds out...they'll use it against her. Against us. They'll call it an abomination. A perversion. They'll..."

"They'll what?"

I laughed. It was not a pleasant sound.

"They'll kill her. Or they'll kill me. Or they'll kill us both." I pressed my hand to my chest. "The curse is already killing me. The bond is the only thing keeping me alive. Her presence slows the curse. Her magic...it wakes my wolf."

Kade's eyes widened. "The night in the tower. When you shifted."

"Because of her."

"And the vampires? When you broke that arm?"

"Because they threatened her."

Kade was quiet for a long moment.

"Lucian." His voice was careful. "Is Cressida a witch?"

I didn't answer.

"That's not a denial."

"I'm not denying anything."

"You're not confirming either."

I looked at the river. The ice was cracked beneath my knees; from the cold, from my weight, from the curse pulsing through my veins.

"She's half-griffin," I said.

"Lucian-"

"She's half-griffin, and she's my mate, and I love her, and I'm losing her, and I don't know how to fix it." My voice broke. "I don't know how to fix anything."

Kade stared at me.

Then he laughed.

It was not a cruel laugh. It was the laugh of someone who had just solved a puzzle they didn't know they were solving.

"That explains everything," he said.

"What does?"

"The way you look at her. The way you follow her with your eyes. The way you nearly tore the academy apart when she collapsed on the ice." He shook his head. "You're not just protecting her, Lucian. You've bonded to her without even realizing it."

"I know."

"And you've been hiding it."

"I had to."

"From the council. From Sha. From her." Kade's voice softened. "Does she know?"

"I don't think so. The bond comes and goes. It's not stable. The curse..." I stopped. "The curse affects everything."

"Then we find a way to break it."

"There is a way."

Kade looked at me. "What way?"

I was silent.

"Lucian. What way?"

"Witch's blood," I said. "Freely given. It can cure the curse."

"And Cressida-"

"She's not a witch." My voice was sharp. "She's half-griffin."

Kade held my gaze. Something passed between us...understanding, maybe. Or acceptance.

"Okay," he said. "Half-griffin."

"Half-griffin."

"And your mate."

"And my mate."

Kade nodded slowly. "Then we find another way to break the curse. One that doesn't involve her blood."

"There is no other way."

"Then we make one."

I stared at him. "You think that's possible?"

"I think—" He paused. "I think you've faced worse odds. The curse. The council. Cassius Vane. You've survived all of it."

"Because of her."

"Because of you." Kade stood. Held out his hand. "Now get up. We have a patrol to finish."

I took his hand. He pulled me to my feet.

"Kade."

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

He clapped me on the shoulder. "That's what seconds are for."

We walked back through the forest.

The patrol had formed a perimeter around the eastern border. Wolves saluted as I passed. I nodded. Didn't speak. My mind was elsewhere.

She's my mate.

She's a witch.

And I love her. Every single fibre in her.

And the only cure for my curse is her blood.

The thought made my stomach turn. I would rather die. I would rather let the curse consume me than drain her life to save my own.

But if I died, she would be unprotected.

And if she was unprotected, the council would find her.

And if the council found her...

"Alpha." Kade's voice pulled me back and I looked up.

We had reached the edge of the forest. The academy loomed before us, dark against the night sky. Torches flickered in the windows. The rink lights were still on.

And there, standing by the fountain, were two figures.

Cressida.

And Niko.

They weren't touching. Weren't even close. But they were together. Her dark hair spilled over her shoulders. Her hands were shoved into her pockets. She was staring at the ground, distracted, absent...like her mind was somewhere else.

Niko was talking. His mouth was moving. She wasn't listening.

I stopped walking.

Kade stopped beside me.

"You're going to walk past them?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"You're not going to talk to her? Apologize? Explain?"

"No."

"Lucian...."

And I did just that, just walked.

Cressida looked up when I passed.

Her dark eyes widened. Her lips parted. She reached out...just slightly, just a motion, like she was going to grab my arm.

I didn't stop.

I walked right past her. Past Niko. Past the fountain. Past the torches and the windows and the wolves who had stopped to watch.

"Cressida." Niko's voice. Uncertain. "Are you okay?"

She didn't answer neither did I look back.

Kade caught up to me in the corridor.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded.

"What was what?"

"You just walked past her. She reached for you."

"I noticed."

"And you kept walking?"

"I kept walking."

Kade stared at me. "I thought you wanted forgiveness."

"I do."

"Then why-"

"Because I hate seeing them together." My voice was raw. "Because every time I look at her with him, I want to tear something apart. Because I'm afraid if I stop...if I let myself feel...I'll lose what little control I have left."

Kade was quiet.

I leaned against the wall and pressed my palms to my eyes.

"I can't do this," I said.

"Yes, you can."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're the Alpha." Kade's voice was steady. "Because you've survived worse. Because you love her, and she loves you...even if she hasn't admitted it yet."

I dropped my hands and looked at him.

"Are you sure about that?"

"About what?"

"About any of it."

Kade met my eyes. "Yes," he said. "I'm sure."