Chapter 5

I made it three blocks away from Ethan’s house before the tears came. I pressed my back against a wall of a building I didn't recognize. I couldn't breathe properly; my hands were shaking as I tried to book a ride home. Luckily I saw one in less than five minutes, I was still in shock until I got home. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely unlock my apartment door. I dropped my bag on the floor and just stood there in the middle of my living room, pacing back and forth of my living room. My hands were shaking as I picked up the invitation from my table.

Ethan was Anabel's brother. 

The name printed on the invitation card confirmed it. Anabel’s last name is the same as Ethan’s last name. Everything clicked how Anabel described her brother, his arrival, and the party. I sat down on a couch with my heart breaking slowly.

The whole scenario kept replaying in my head. Like how? How did this even happen? Out of all the men in New York City, I had to fall for Anabel’s brother. My best friend’s brother. The one person I was never supposed to want. My phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw his name on the screen and my chest felt tight.

[Ethan: Linda, are you okay? You left so suddenly. Did I do or say something wrong?]

I felt so bad and heartbroken reading Ethan’s message.  He didn't do anything wrong. That was the problem. Everything about him was right. Too right. And now it was all wrong.

I pulled my knees to my chest. I felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come. I was just... empty. Confused. Scared. Shocked. I grabbed my phone, my fingers hovering over Anabel's contact. I should call her. I should tell her everything right now. But what would I even say? How would I even start? I typed in Anabel’s dm…

[Me: Hey, remember that guy I met at the bar? The one who's been making me smile for the first time in years? Yeah, turns out it's Ethan. Your brother. The one you're throwing a party for next weekend]

 I couldn't press the send button I cleared the text, locked my phone, and dropped it back. Another text came in.

[Ethan: Linda I'm really worried about you. At least let me know you got home safe.]

My fingers moved before my brain could stop them.

[Me: I'm home. I'm fine. I just wasn't feeling well. Thank you for dinner.]

Three dots appeared immediately. I watched them, my heart beating too fast. Then they disappeared. Then appeared again. I could feel his confusion through the screen.

[Ethan: Okay Linda, if I did something to upset you, please tell me. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong.]

I didn't reply. I couldn't do this. Not tonight. I just locked my phone, dropped it on the couch, and walked to the bedroom.

I couldn't sleep, so I got up and sat on my bed. My mind was racing with a million thoughts at once. I still haven’t replied to Ethan. Not because I didn’t want to but because I didn't know what to say. I started thinking about him and that scares me. The way he looked at me during the dinner. The warmth in his voice when he said my name. The softness in his eyes right before everything went wrong. 

 I looked around to check for my phone but I had left it on the couch. I couldn't find the courage to go and pick it because I knew his name would be there with tons of messages and calls. So I left it there.

I remembered the rule Anabel and I made seven years ago. The promise Anabel and I made years ago was during our final year in college. Anabel's older cousin who was living with them had started dating our third friend Rebecca. At first, it seemed fine. But when things went bad between them, it became messy. Really bad for both our friend group and Anabel’s family. Family dinners became uncomfortable and awkward. Anabel’s cousin drifted away slowly. He even moved out of Anabel’s house. Our friend group split because Rebecca stopped coming around. The cousin blamed Anabel for everything. Anabel's family took sides. It was just a disaster. Anabel still feels like she was the reason why her family almost fell apart.

The night after it all fell apart, Anabel and I were in my dorm room. We were drinking a cheap wine straight from the bottle and she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"Lin, promise me something," she said.

"What?"

"Promise me, Lin that we'll never let a guy mess up what we have. No dating of each other’s family. I can't lose you the way my cousin made us lose Rebecca. You're my person. You're my sister and I need to know we are solid no matter what".

I didn't even think about it. I just hugged her and said, "I promise. Family is off-limits. Always."

And I meant it. At that time, it seemed so easy to say or do. So simple. Why would I ever want to date my friend’s brother anyway? But that was before I met Ethan. I went out to the living room and picked up my phone and I saw that Ethan had called me 5 times and also sent me a lot of messages. My chest tightens again. He didn't deserve this. He has always been good to me. I shouldn't be treating him this way but there was nothing I could do. I tried to call Anabel to just tell her everything and get it over with. It wasn't easy either. The thought of her reaction made my stomach turn. I could see her face in my mind. The hurt, the betrayal, and the anger. I can’t do that to her. I can’t tell her yet. Not yet or maybe not ever. I told myself I just needed to end things quietly with Ethan to protect everyone from getting hurt. Before this became something bigger than it already was. It was still early. We'd only known each other for a few weeks. I could just... stop responding to his messages and calls. I will ghost him. He'd get the message eventually and move on. But even as I thought about it, my heart ached. I didn't want to lose Ethan. I didn't want to go back to being the person I was before I met him. I was cold, closed off, and alone.

For the first time in years, I'd felt something real. Something that made me want to try again. And now I had to let it go because of a promise I made when I was younger and didn't know any better.

Life wasn't fair. I knew that already. But this felt especially cruel to me.

I lay down on my couch and stared at the ceiling. My phone buzzed again but I didn't check it. I already knew it was him. And I already knew I wouldn't know what to say.

Eventually, I fell asleep right there on the couch, still wearing my dress, with my phone buzzing beside me and my heart feeling like it was breaking in slow motion.