We Don’t Fuck Anymore

The smell of disinfectant mixed with soap hit her nose. Her eyelids trembled as she slowly opened her eyes, only to close them again when the sharp light of the room hit her eyes. 

She groaned, raised her hand, intending to rub her aching forehead, but a tingling pain at the back of her hand stopped her, and her frown deepened. 

"Scarlet, Scarlet, you're awake!" A troubling voice of an elder reached her ears, confusing her even more. 

'What's going on?' She wondered. 

The voice she just heard belonged to her mother without doubt, but why did her usually nonchalant mother sound so scared? And why was she calling her name so stressfully?

Scarlet tightened her eyes, ignored her aching head, and recalled what had happened. She remembered helping her mother in the kitchen as it was time for dinner, but things suddenly became chaotic in her vision, her legs felt like they weighed tons, and her head felt light. She remembered falling back even when she tried so hard to hold herself, and she also remembered she heard a fading voice as her consciousness blanked. 

Scarlet's eyes flew open, darting around in panic. The pure white of the room made her eyes sting, but she kept them open and tried to look around. The low sound of the monitor beside her bed finally woke her, and she whimpered as she turned her head to look at her mother, who was staring at her with eagle eyes. 

"Mother..." She called, her voice cracking. She was scared. "Why?" She asked. She could see the paleness of her mother's face and the fear in her eyes. 

She knew something had gone wrong. Her mother would never be this scared if she had only fainted. 

'Do they know?' Her heart raced hard. Every breath hurt like hell. 

A single tear rolled down her mother's face as she slumped back in her seat. "Why, Scarlet? Why did you keep this to yourself? Why did you never tell anyone? Do you, do you want to die so much?" Her face grimaced, pain evident in her voice. 

Scarlet's heart clenched, and her eyes turned red. She looked away, biting hard on her tongue. 'Die? If it were so easy, I would have died long ago, Mum.' She thought, and a bitter smile hung on her lips. "I'm sorry, mum." She whispered. 'But, even if time rewound, I still wouldn't let anyone know.'

The door opened, and the sound of footsteps attracted Scarlet's attention. She saw a female doctor walking toward her with a smile. "Hi, Scarlet." The doctor said calmly. "I've discussed things with your parents..." She didn't even give Scarlet the chance to react. "They've paid for your heart transplant, and we will arrange it as soon as possible. Trust me, Scarlet. You will be out of this pain as soon as possible." 

Scarlet's body trembled as she snapped her head to her mother.  Her teeth gritted so hard that blood slowly sipped out of the corner of her mouth and panic washed over her. "No." Her voice was breaking. "No, mother, please." She pleaded. 

'Please. Please, mother. Don't take this away from me, too. This, this is the only thing that keeps me going.' She cried inwardly. 

"I don't want this surgery!" She cried out. 'What do I do when the pain is gone? How do I know I'm still alive without the pain?' Scarlet felt scared. 

Her mother held her hand and squeezed it gently. "Scarlet, Scarlet, listen to me. I know you're scared but trust me, you will be fine. Your dad and I believe in you. You are strong, my darling." She tried to pacify, but Scarlet's heart felt like it would soon stop beating altogether. 

She felt agitated. Not even her labored breathing stopped her from shaking her head incessantly. "I won't do the surgery. I won't!" She cried as her vision slowly turned blurry, and even her voice failed as she fainted. 

Scarlet, who had been living under watch for 4 months, was being wheeled toward the operating room with a listless expression on her face. She looked at her teary mother, her smiling father, and her crying siblings, and a bitter smile formed on her sunken face. 

She looked away from them, trying her best to curb the growing irritation in her fainting heart. 'If only they cared this much before, I wouldn't have gone through so much pain. I wouldn't have been this broken. They don't. They really don't know how much I've cried. They don't know how long I waited for them to hold my hand. They don't know how much I wanted them to look at me and see how much I was struggling. I was so young... I was just 12... I needed them.' A painful tear rolled down Scarlet's face as she silently recalled her dark days. 'But it's been 9 years now. I no longer need anyone.'

She closed her eyes, pushing away her tears. She wouldn't cry. She had cried so much that she told herself she would no longer cry, and well... 'It's all coming to an end soon. Isn't it?' She smiled and lowered her eyes to look at her family. 

"It's okay. Crying makes you look ugly. Don't cry." 'Don't cry. I've cried it all for you. You all don't deserve to cry anymore.' 

"We won't cry, baby. Dad and Mum will be waiting for you here. We know you are strong, and you will survive this." Her dad comforted, showing Scarlet a warm look she had never seen in him before. 

Scarlet nodded. 'Of course, I'm really strong. Isn't that the reason it hurt so much? I'm so strong that an overdose doesn't even kill me. I've closed my eyes several times, hoping I would be dead by the time I open my eyes again... Dad, your daughter is indeed uselessly strong.'

She slowly closed her eyes as the door firmly separated her from her family, and soon, she was put to sleep. 

Scarlet had no idea how much time had passed, but she soon felt a familiar despairing feeling___ It was really similar. It was the same feeling she had when she took her last overdose after hitting her chest so many times. It was the feeling that made her feel like she was about to die___ which she later survived. 

The loneliness, the fear, the despair that came with death...

Scarlet wondered,  was she finally about to end it all?

"She's dying, doctor!"

"She's bleeding so much!"

"Wait..."

The voices faded away as darkness grabbed hold of Scarlet, and her consciousness gave in.