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What if We Drown 32
It took her a moment to realize that all eyes, except for one pair, were on her, expectant. Was it her turn to share already? With a deep breath, she raised her hands.I know that I'm not always the best at showing my thanks, she signed, her eyes still fixed on the fire before her.Abel spoke softly as he put a voice to the words she spoke, for Derek and Marcus' benefit.At some point or another, I've pushed you all away..."...and though I meant it at the time to protect myself..."I have never felt more safe or protected than when I've had each of you by my side..."...You support me..."You love me..."...you give me hope, and I can't thank you enough..." Ashlyn felt his eyes on her before she looked up. Derek stared through the flames, his piercing gaze interrupting her train of thought. She was at a loss for words, her hands falling to her lap.Murmured 'I love yous' echoed around Ashlyn, and she smiled simply, her focus not fully invested in the gesture. She turned to M
What if We Drown 33
They didn't speak again that night.Ashlyn had taken the Monday off work to spend the day with her mother and Zion in the city, a decision that she was still uncertain had been the right call. Walking around Portland while her mother window shopped, and Zion prattled on about the price of diapers, she'd expected to be distracted from her thoughts. But instead, the outing only made her more hyper-aware of such thoughts, and she couldn't get Liam, or Derek's face the night before, out of her head.By the time the party had migrated indoors, Ashlyn's tears had run dry, her heart was a shambles, and the back of her throat tasted distinctly of green apple.She still wasn't sure how long the two of them had sat on the porch, long enough for the crickets to begin their song, and the fireflies to respond in dance. But she knew that the fragility of the moment would soon be lost. The emotions born would be retracted, the connection they'd shared, broken.The thought of such filled Ashlyn w
What if We Drown 34
This joy was only increased further when the older of the two purposefully fell back so the younger could be crowned King. Some people were just the sweetest. If only being an adult could capture the same kindness and simplicity. Instead, people and their emotions tossed you about like a rag doll.The bench creaked as someone sat beside her, the smell of hazelnut tantalizing her taste buds. Pulling her gaze from the children's merriments, Ashlyn tracked the source of such a scent and the hand with which it was given."One Hazelnut latte, and a large piece of citrus slice to share." Derek smiled, offering the cup to her. Ashlyn took the cup, her fingers appreciating the warmth on this cooler Saturday afternoon. Puzzled over how he'd tracked her to this location, and the shift in his attitude since they'd last seen one another on Tuesday, she placed the cup beside her and turned to him.How did you kn- Ashlyn started."Kass told me you'd be here," he answered her unfinished question
What if We Drown 35
The bus idled on the side of the road, the driver loading the last of the baggage into the underbody storage compartment. Tuesday had been a morning of melancholic reflection for the Holland family. After a quiet breakfast of bacon and eggs together reminiscing about the time they'd spent together during the last two weeks, Derek had arrived with Kass' ute and helped Zion with loading the bags into the bed. The four of them now stood outside the Glassmont bus station giving their final goodbyes before Zion and Ashlyn's mother returned to the city. "Promise you'll message more often?" Her mother sniffed, pulling back from the hug. Ashlyn nodded, a miserable smile filling her cheeks. Though they'd had their rough patches the past two weeks, Ashlyn was delighted with the opportunity she'd had to spend some more time with her mother, mending some bridges and reconnecting. Baby steps had been taken by both of them, and Ashlyn was beginning to understand her mother's approach to everyth
What if We Drown 36
Ashlyn snorted, the action causing itching in her nose. She could still recall the day in sixth grade when she and Kass had both been using signs, talking about the latest Disney movie, when Kass had thought it would be a neat idea to make up some of their own signs, like a secret language just for them. So they had spent their recess' together under the slide for the next week, creating their own language. Until one afternoon, the new teacher assistant had found them, and taken them both aside, scolding them for speaking in 'code'. Kass, not one to take kindly to being told off for expressing herself, had coined a new gesture that day in honor of said teacher. Her way of calling someone a nosy parker without having to say a thing. Ashlyn was surprised that Kass still remembered, it had been so long. Kass winked, reminding Ashlyn that there were plenty of things she still remembered. You two look cute together in your matching colors, Kass answered, gesturing towards Ashlyn's dress
What if We Drown 37
Ashlyn's stomach wound in a tight knot. All the reasons she shouldn't do something like this came flooding back, reminding her of how much she stood to lose. The dormant panic lay in waiting, the decision she made next capable of either causing it to grow or to fade. The more time she'd allowed herself to dwell on what Kass had said about tonight, the more she'd wanted to message Derek and tell him that something had come up and she wouldn't be able to make it. Each time that she had gone to type that message, or tried to hit send, it was as though something interfered, commanding her fingers away from the button. With a groan, she had thrown the phone on the sofa and paced her living room, considering all of her options. By the time she'd accepted that she had to go, if for no other reason than to clear the air and prove that Kass' interpretation was incorrect, a path had been worn into the carpet by her heavy steps. As much as she didn't want to send Derek the wrong message, she
What if We Drown 38
"Your skin is flushed, Ashlyn. Are you feeling ill?" His voice was thick with concern. He reached out to place the back of his hand on her forehead. She flinched, her head pulling back. She squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't have to see his reaction. But his hand followed, a salve to the burn. Her answering nod was weak. She fanned her cheeks, feeling a little feverish. Perhaps that was it, she was getting sick, and that was why she couldn't think straight. She should have taken that excuse, asked to reschedule, then gone home, but for some reason unknown to her, she couldn't make her hands form the words. Instead, she gave a thumbs up and slipped gently from beneath his hand. I think I just need to eat. I haven't eaten since breakfast, she signed. It was the truth. In her apprehensive state that afternoon, the thought of eating had made her feel queasy. The lack of nutrition had to explain why she was feeling this way all of a sudden. Like some form of hunger-induced delusion?
What if We Drown 39
She watched as the sadness in his eyes ebbed, his answering smile forming. He nudged the toe of her shoe in return, a gleam of hope in his eyes. The smell of pork noodles and dumplings drifted before her on the twilight breeze, reminding her why they were outside to begin with. Her eyes shifted to the food boxes, then back to Derek. The board fell from her lap as she made an eating gesture, a hunger in her eyes. Derek chuckled and nodded enthusiastically. The noodles and the pork tasted heavenly to Ashlyn's empty stomach and the glass of red wine that Derek poured only made it better. They spoke briefly around the food they shoveled down, both as ravenous as the other. "Alright. Since we're supposed to be studying, how do I say, 'that was delicious?'" Derek asked, moving the containers aside and stretching his legs out. Ashlyn demonstrated, finishing the statement by touching the tip of her middle finger to her lips, then moving that same hand up, twisting it, so the palm faced f
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