Chapter 5: Relationships And Break-up

Walking on a night path, the dimming street lamps are twinkling like stars, illuminating the road with a chilling light. The scene was that of a thriller story, or those psychological horror dvds that Natalie is always watching in the living room, the moon was nowhere to be seen as it was obscured by thick clouds. 

I took careful steps, almost imagining myself being murdered in the middle of the night. I have been taking a lot of overtime lately because I've been coming home late. 

"Ah, I hate myself," Looking at my slightly shivering body, I could almost feel the bristles of hair on my arms. 

I ran silently, but it was more like a rushed walk.

As I passed by the last intersection, I felt a great sense of relief. I finally found myself in a familiar street, just ahead was our lovely home. 

I really thought I would die for a second, but surely not now, I still have important things to do. Or is it perhaps better if I just kill myself to get away with everything. But thinking more about it, I don't know a painless way to die. The fear of getting hurt is just as strong to think of suicide. 

Nearing the house, I could faintly hear Natalie wailing as she tried to sing-along in a popular theme-song of the teleserye she is always watching every night. 

Being talented in sports and having a good sense of fashion, looks, and body you might think she is a multi-talented girl, but she has a certain weakness. I'm afraid that her singing ability is on par with a cat giving birth. Well, to put it simply, she is out of tune. 

I entered the house, about to throw one of the house slippers innocently resting on the doorway straight at her face. 

"Ali, my gosh, I almost thought someone was already being murdered," I tried to lecture her further but I immediately noticed someone was sitting beside her. 

Right at that moment, I quickly dropped the slippers like I was not holding it in the first place. 

"Oh, we seem to have a... visitor?" 

As it has slightly short hair I almost thought it was a guy, I suddenly lost the shock confirming that she invited a female friend. She was wearing smart glasses, and she had this cute round face. She had some sort of nerdy look and she's evidently shy, probably because I was here. 

"Ate, Sheila, my girlfriend," She announced. 

"Ah, girl friend," I mindlessly said, automatically separating the words while walking towards the kitchen. 

A few moments later I realized what she just said and my shock went back. "Eh, g-girlfriend, as in that girlfriend?" I air-quoted to emphasize my point. 

She nodded and tilted her head. "Why! Can't I have a relationship with a girl?" 

I paused, obviously gender is not a problem in love, I'm not that old fashioned. But remembering her love towards korean actors and such, I even recall that she calls one of them her husband's or something. It doesn't match. 

I asked her once again to confirm... 

"Wait, no it shouldn't be a problem, but how about that Lee Min Sung guy you are always kissing in the T.V. screen, and who is supposed to be the dominant here?" 

"Ate, we are both bisexual, it means that we can like girls and guys the same way. It is a kind of thing when both people know that they understand each other despite their gender identity," she said. 

"Eh? Is that how that works?" I asked, realizing relationships nowadays became that complicated. I finally understand why Matty is constantly telling me that I was not cultured enough. 

I notice the girl, Sheila, is feeling worried. She probably thinks I don't approve of their relationship. Perhaps she felt the need to apologize since she stood up, "Uhm, Ate Melissa. I know this seems new to you but I assure you, I love Ali, so even if you cannot accept us..... a-at least understand us." 

I can feel that she is on the verge of crying. That moment I really wanted to kill myself for my ignorance.

"No, it is not that I disapprove. I'm just surprised, and I don't mean to offend you it is just that I'm stupid enough to not understand that this kind of gender preferences exist. Sorry. Anyways, I'm happy for both of you..." I tried my best to smile despite the embarrassment. 

I hid in the kitchen for the meantime to suppress the humiliation I'm feeling for not knowing those kinds of things. "Fuck! Why am I so stupid..." 

As I worried myself in the kitchen I could hear them talking outside, Sheila is really worried. 

Now I hate myself for hurting the feelings of such a delicate and lovely girl. 

I think I need to apologize again. I went out of the kitchen bringing more food to their table. I looked at Sheila, "I'm really sorry about earlier." And offered her a piece of cake. 

"I don't know if you like this kind of thing, but please accept it as a peace offering." 

Natalie, smiled at her, "See, she is just a stupid for her own right, but she is kind given that she understands it." 

I can feel that she mocked me on purpose, since this is the time I won't fight back knowing I was wrong. "Yes, I'm 'stupid' so please could you accept my apology?" 

Sheila started to brighten up, thankfully. "Of course.... Sorry I overreacted. It's just that I'm surrounded with people who don't understand me. Especially my Dad... He doesn't believe that other genders aside from male and female exist." 

"It's ok, I understand... Don't worry, we accept who you are here, you don't need to be afraid anymore," I said and grabbed the both of them in a tight embrace, "Consider this place your safe haven." 

After that the atmosphere became more comfortable and Sheila became more accustomed to the place. 

When they started to get intimate, I felt the need to give them some privacy. 

I excused myself for the meantime, and got back to my room. I locked the doors like some kind of secret agent fulfilling a dangerous mission. 

I could almost hear suspense music playing in the background.

I placed my lamp light at the letter I had previously and painstakingly written in the library. I unfolded it and matched every word with the photo I had taken earlier. 

Now, I should choose. I wasn't able to choose in the library as well as during my part-time job. I do not know what to do really. 

It is totally not an easy task to choose especially when it will result in hurting other people. I'm mindless and selfish, I finally know that. I don't even know if I'm a good person anymore. 

If I think about it, I might be unconsciously being kind because that is the only thing I can show others and somehow be noticed even just for a second. 

I don't even know who I am. 

"Should I just blindly pick an option, and let fate decide?" I thought, but it is just me moving away from the responsibility for a problem that I started. 

"Ahh, what should I do," I whispered. "I'm slowly thinking that I have nothing to be proud of, I have nothing to put confidence into. How would he like a person who doesn't even like herself."

Should I just send it? I mean, I'm going to hurt him either way, since whatever I do.

Yes I know I don't like him, and I don't really care but I will not go as far as to hurt an innocent person. "Whatever... I don't care anymore..." 

I sent the break up letter. 

I know, it is just me protecting myself from shame. I don't want to meet him, not when I'm just this. It is better to disappear and hide than to face him and be humiliated. 

Yes. That is the best thing to do. Caroline shouldn't have existed, I'll erase everything there is to know about her. 

I grabbed my laptop, and saw the messages and my post. Even now people are cheering for me as Caroline. Do I really want to separate myself in this world? 

A world that even an insignificant me is needed? 

I started to have second-thoughts. Perhaps it is ok to leave my account, I could just start a new one, this time it is the real me. 

That doesn't sound bad right? Right? Right?

It shouldn't be this hard, I mean just one click and everything will end. All my delusions will finally disappear. Like Matty said, there is nothing wrong about me. I just lack the confidence. 

Yes, this is not something I should be afraid of doing. 

I delete all my contents and blogs. And eventually deleted my account. 

Yes I did the right thing. It must be.... The right thing.

Yet, deep inside me, with a slight hesitation, I save all Caroline's pictures in a back-up software, unseen by anyone other than me. 

I convinced myself that this much is alright. Because if I delete this too, I might become insane. Anyway, Let's forget about that guy.