When She Was Is

One thing I learned in life was never to live a lie, one or two can be forgiven, but more than that is too much. 

I also implore you not to rely so much in white lies. To tell you, it is the kind of shit that pulls you under if you don't use it right! Much like one of those myths everybody believes because of their fragile hearts. 

Trust me, living a life with a lie always does not end well, I'm one of those people who exploited it and ended up lost.  

And In case you are wondering why I'm investing my time in this monolog, Oh! I wish I could tell you. 

By the way, I'm Melissa Santiago, not much for a name, but Tatay loved to call me Mimi. I do not use it anymore though, I think of it as a rebranding… 

You are probably thinking that I must be a successful young entrepreneur talking about her life challenges or one of those rags to riches stories you are frequently seeing in commercials and talk shows. In fact, I wished for the same thing.  

Well, I just wished. 

Reality is I'm not that special. Don't get me wrong though this is not a bad thing, considering my story has nothing to do about it, not anymore.  

Embarrassing as it is, there is hardly anything to tell about myself, aside from the fact that I was heading for a job interview. I guess it is already the right time to fulfill my role as an independent adult. 

That takes me, today is Sunday. And just so you know, I'm not telling you this because this day is special like my birthday or anything. It is just that this day happens to be my independence day. 

Just to be clear, I put emphasis on the word 'my' for you to not confuse it with a similar occasion.

Right now I was preoccupied in packing my things, and taping the last of the few boxes that I hardly heard one of the neighbors calling my name.  

"Melissa! Manong Kokoy is already outside waiting"

"I'm coming!" I said as my excitement cannot be contained. 

My feet moved, grabbing my neatly-ironed blouse and black skirt. I haven't even finished my breakfast yet, staring at the two-piece pandesal staying on top of a saucer. 

I was hesitant to leave it there since it had a palaman of cheese and holiday ham. It was looking at me, as the ham's juices gathered on the plate and the slightly melted cheese screamed a mildly-salty smell. 

Feeling the urgency, I instinctively stuffed the salt bread on my mouth, and head outside only to see Aling Josie galloping downhill towards our direction.

She said she went here to see me depart, and handed me some cash.

As much as I wanted to accept her goodwill, my wallet still had enough money to use for transportation fare and other necessities. It is my wish to no longer inconvenience her. 

Instead, I gave her a hug and a genuine thank you for all the things she did for me and my little sister, Natalie. 

Manong Kokoy looked at me with a smile on his face. 

"Naku, Melissa you've grown up now, your Tatay Digs must be really proud, it is unfortunate that he won't be seeing you depart just cuz' he is busy at the city hall."

"Ay, Manong Kokoy! It is not too sad since you're here, you're my second Tatay don't you know that," I said, teasing him as I gently tapped his shoulders.

After the farewells and hugs, the trike finally took off towards the capital. 

I stopped by to check the rent house I was going to stay in. As my belongings are supposed to be delivered tomorrow, it is still kind of gloomy and empty. 

I made a quick call to Miss Mara, the landlord, assuring that everything is alright. Then, after a few back and forths, I finally head out in time for my job interview.

It was my first time to look around the capital. I did pass by the place a couple of times before, but I do not take the time sight seeing as I remember having many priorities back then. I stumbled upon a stall that sells buko juice. Feeling nostalgic, I purchased a cup like it is the most normal thing to do. 

I'm thrilled. Not just for a new job but also for a more clear future. 

In fact, I'm so excited that I was even admiring the group of kids walking on the sidewalk begging alms like they are already masters of the trade. 

I tightly gripped the plastic cup of the half empty Buko Juice in my hand. 

"I'm going to do it," I told myself like a mantra. 

I rode the jeepney nearing me, quickly as I said the name of my destination in one of his signs. The ringing of the jeep barkers' raspy, almost sultry voice can be heard, as the nearby jeeps slowly gain new passengers. 

Sitting comfortably, I fixed my gaze at the couple in front of me. I normally cringe seeing them poking and pinching each other's cheek like they truly adore each other. But for some reason it looks cute, somehow.

I averted my gaze to give them some privacy and saw a young female frantically breastfeeding her baby to stop it from crying. She is brave enough not to show her embarrassment. I felt great respect deep inside me, seeing the scene as it unfolds. 

Looking outside, I saw a high school student chasing the jeepney as he tried to get a glimpse of the short haired girl sitting beside the driver's seat. It is good to be young, unafraid of making decisions for love. Thinking about it, that is the least thing I'm confident about. 

Knowing that everyone has an interesting story to tell, I wonder in what sort of image do people view me right now. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. 

Wearing a plain light blue colored blouse, black pencil skirt, and hair fixed in a ponytail, it might be hard to accurately tell that I'm trying my best to apply as a graphic artist. I won't even be surprised if someone will ask me for a secretarial job. 

My thoughts were temporarily put to a halt by the sudden deceleration of the vehicle. It welcomes my body much like a surprise happy birthday sung in a funky restaurant. Well to say the least, it is not a pleasant feeling.

The momentary pause allowed a group of working guys to enter the vehicle chattering their way in. The jeep immediately became crowded. Passengers' shoulders are squeezing and brushing past each other. 

It is rather interesting to see how people easily adapt to their surroundings. Having their own strategy to get into a comfortable position no matter how tightly-packed the place is. 

Being someone who once lost her way, these small things that I never paid attention to seems a lot significant now.

I felt getting closer to my destination, and for some reason my excitement was mixing with a tinge of worry. After all, I'm not just the only applicant. 

Unexpected things can happen in an interview. I know at least that much.

I cleared my head and went straight ahead to the building entrance. Not to think about it negatively, more than anything. 

A lot has happened in my life, I know since the past repeatedly plays itself in my head, still vivid and clear.  

* * *

It was unbearable to see him looking back and forth from my face unto my resume while making slight nuances with his face. To me it feels like he is trying to photocopy my facial features on the paper he is holding.

Having no clue on this professional setting I tried to nod a few times, my eyes wandered across the room, eventually finding a lint on my blouse. 

I'm paranoid. Shouldn't he be asking me questions now?

Just when I was processing my thoughts, he cleared his throat and looked at me. "So, Ms. Santiago... I believe there is no need for me to ask questions here really," he made a deathly pause. 

I froze, even to the point that my smile remained in place despite my effort to look worried. My brain is now screaming, it was total chaos inside it right now. The funny thing is, I was not prepared to be rejected. 

He dropped the folder and rested his hands on the table, "What do you think, should we hire you or not?" 

The moment I heard his gruffy voice along with those words, I could already see warning signs floating in the room. My body is shaking from horror, like cold water forcefully hitting my face. 

"This interview is not going as planned," I thought to myself, almost admitting to giving up. But I was not born yesterday, literally and figuratively. 

I'm a new species that evolved on countless natural selection. A diamond in the rough, now polished to perfection. 

I was ready for this. I should be. 

I gunned my eyes on the canned soda, innocently standing on the mahogany table. 

With a swift motion, I remove my ponytail, letting my hair fall down. I confidently grabbed the canned soda, and popped it open, creating that nostalgic fizzing sound. 

"Hear that?" I announced, much to his amusement. "That sound is the beginning of something," as I continue a pitch that I did not even plan to execute. 

Gaining the momentum of my words I'm starting to get a clear picture where this charade will conclude.

"Much like this sound, we could instill an image to people. Like how they can associate a fizzing sound into a soda, I want to create a brand that people can associate with nostalgia. Turning negative moments into positive emotions." 

His expression suggests that he quite agrees at some point. My message is getting to him pretty well. Before I knew it I started becoming truthful. 

"To be honest with you, Sir. I was a lost cause. Like this can of soda just standing on your table, unwanted. Perhaps because it doesn't make much of an appeal. But you will never know that the soda you tend to avoid might be hiding a gem, not until you open it yourself. I want to give this soda a chance to be seen, to be known... Creating a label true to its potential," I paused to give tension. 

"After all, I don't want this soda to be like me. A soda pretending to be something more, because no one was willing to drink it." 

I ended my spiel, handing him the opened can of soda, wishing for him to drink it. I may have been too truthful. So I'm stressed to a considerable degree. 

My muscles softened as I got the message across, I think, since he is already chugging the soda I handed to him. 

"Well, how was it?" I exclaimed.

"Hmmm.... It's surprisingly refreshing," referring to the drink he had consumed. 

I sigh, releasing the pent up emotions in my system, "Thinking about it you could say that I'm here to find my purpose. So asking me if you should hire me or not. Well, I'm also not that confident."  

This man is now sitting on his chair in deep thought. He is squinting his eyes as if he found something unusual. 

I became fidgety. Fixing my sight at him, almost wishing to hypnotize his eyes. Not that I'll awaken a hidden power or something, this is not even a fantasy or sci-fi. 

"H - How should I say this, Ms. Santiago...."

"Melissa is fine," I interrupted almost abruptly. I suddenly became embarrassed after hearing my name like I'm some kind of associate or something. 

"Ok, Melissa... Do you mind if you tell me more about being lost... you say?" He proceeds to click his pen twice. 

He's suddenly acting coy with me. Sheesh, don't make this look like a scene from a romance novel, a boss CEO is definitely not my type, at least not yet.  

"Is this still part of the interview?" I asked because I was nervous. 

"Ah... Not quite, you know I'm just curious," he uttered, smitten to some degree. 

"I see... You love gossip then."

I meant it as a joke, he looked too serious that the air here is getting warmer. Yet, in my attempt to lighten up the mood I was startled by his unexpected reply. 

"Well, to say the least, I'm curious about you," he said shyly, along with his peculiar shrugging. If you think about it, he was kind of cute.  

"Wait, are you hitting on me?" 

That moment I knew I sound kind of suggestive like I was a secretary trying to seduce his boss. It was already too late since I blurted it out.

Just a few minutes ago this was just a boring interview. Now it feels like a passionate interrogation you mostly see on teleseryes. 

Unsure of what he is planning, in the back of my mind I was having a few doubts about his interest in my life story, so I confirmed once again. 

"Do you really want to hear my story?" I retorted, disregarding my earlier remark while convincing him to withdraw his request. 

"I don't see the harm in listening," he affirmed. 

I feel that he really wanted to listen to my obviously boring story. He must be good at listening to people's agony, mistakes, and negative emotions.

After all, my life story is a maze filled with unpleasantries and weird things. 

Honestly, my head already hurts before I could even decide whether to tell him or not. I think I should just tell him and get it over with. 

"Fine, where do you want me to start?" 

I saw him smirk and gave me an obvious answer, "Anywhere will do..." 

Hearing his thoughts, I think I already know where to begin. 

"It all started when I was still an innocent college freshman, someone who was just oblivious to the walks of life," recounting the days of my tangled existence.