CHAPTER 3 Emotional turmoil

“Whoa! Breathe Sydney— what happened?!” My best friend’s voice filled with panic asked in perplexity. 

“What’s happening Syd?” She paused, “I’m beginning to get very worried— did someone die?” She asked worriedly. “Okay, breathe— in, out, yes just like that” she says trying to get me stable. 

After inhaling and exhaling for a few minutes, the hiccups subsided and I could talk a bit more clearly, I started baring my heart out to Ava. 

“Oh Ava, my dreams are so shattered” I echoed. “Wait where are you?” She asked 

“I’m sitting in a toilet stall at a hospital” Ava shrieked as soon as I said that. “Oh my God Sydney, I’m on my way now!” I could hear her car keys jingling hurriedly. “Oh no I’m fine, well at least physically but my mental health is in shambles right now” I said, more to myself than her. “I wasn’t involved in an accident or anything like that” I assured her. 

“So what then is the matter?” She asked. I sucked in air before I started, “Well technically, I have less than two years to either find someone to knock me up and pop out at least three kids from me or set up a GoFundMe account to be able to freeze my eggs” I said trying to sound humorous but sounding distressed instead. 

“Oh wow, you lost me at the popping out babies part— you know what, can you manage to get home yourself and call me as soon as you get home or do you need me to skip work and come pick you up right now? She asked affectionately, but pulling her from her job is the last thing I wanted to do because I know how demanding her job is and it would be selfish of me to do that. 

“Oh no no it's fine, I'll manage to get myself home then we can talk properly” I said reassuringly. 

“Okay babes, I'll order you an Uber and I will try to leave work early so we can talk face-to-face” Ava says sweetly. This is one out of the many reasons I cherish our friendship, she is willing to drop everything to comfort me at any low moment. My heart instantly fills with gratitude. 

“Please hang in there babes, okay?, Let me know as soon as you get home, love you girl” she says. “Love you too, bye” I said, my spirit lifting just a little bit since the minute I came out of the doctor’s office. 

The minutes leading until I got home went by in a blur. I was lost in thought. I was brought back to reality when the Uber driver announced that I had arrived at my destination. I got down and went into my apartment immediately. I just wanted the comfort of my home so I could cry as much and as loud as I wanted. 

I took out my phone and dialed Ava to tell her that I had gotten home. She picked up the first ring, she must have been anticipating my call. 

“Babes I’m so sorry, I can’t come over right now, I have a lottttt of work to catch up on—I had to sneak to the bathroom to even talk to you right now” She says guiltily, emphasizing the ‘t’s’ to tell me how much work she has to do. Of course, I understood and couldn’t blame her. She works at an investment bank and the job is so demanding that it requires her to work during the weekend sometimes. “It’s okay Ava, really— I know you really wish to be here for me” I said to her reassuringly. 

“So what’s happening, Syd? I’m very worried about you” Ava says. 

“Well you know I had a doctor’s appointment planned cos I wanted to run a general body test right?” “Hmmm,” Ava replied affirmatively.

“So I find out that my ovarian reserve is very low and I have basically less than two years before I am unable to conceive naturally. My only options now are either to start actively considering having a child or resort to freezing my eggs now so I can preserve them till I’m ready in the future” I explained briefly to her. 

“Oh my Gosh Syd, this is a lot to process” she says affectionately. 

“I think the egg freezing option is a very good solution for this situation” she suggests. 

“Well it would’ve been if it didn't cost twenty thousand bucks” I say. “Holy shit!! That’s a whole lot Syd” She exclaimed, shocked just like I was. 

“Oh my God, this is really a lot babes, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It’s honestly a lot” Ava says soothingly. “So what do you think of doing?” She asked after a moment of silence.

“Well, I can’t afford freezing my eggs so it’s either I start talking about a child to Drake….. as he is the only man in my life right now and a man I trust with my child as well, or I would have to give in to adoption— I don’t think it would be as expensive as the egg freezing option” I say

“Do you think Drake wouldn’t think of me as crazy if I ask if he could impregnate me asap?” I asked her. 

“Well judging from your guys’ relationship over the years, the guy would do anything for you, he would be overjoyed to go on that journey with you, he’s head over heels in love with you Sdy” She says confidently. 

“Hmm, you think so?” I wondered. “I know so, Syd, have you seen the way he looks at you? He would gladly do it, Syd. I know adoption is the last thing you want to do— I know how much you really want your own kids and naturally for that matter. You’ve always talked about it since we were kids” She points out. 

“Right!” I say, remembering briefly about how much I used to yap about my future family growing up because I didn’t really have one. Dad was gone a few months after I turned 13 and Mom lost herself and hasn’t found herself back up to date. 

“Okay, I’ll talk to him” I tell Ava. “Matter of fact, invite him over tonight. I don’t want you to be alone and sad tonight. You could use some company” she suggests. 

“I don’t want to bother him”

“Who says you’re bothering him, as if he ever complained about you bothering him?” 

“Well not really but still….” I trailed off. 

“Still nothing Syd, you have always been pushing Drake away even after he continuously proves that he’s got you all these years but you still keep rejecting him” She paused “You know you would have to try and see for yourself to know he isn’t like the other guys right?” 

“I know it’s just that I’m so scared to ruin our friendship if things don't work out you know— he has really been a good friend to me and I wouldn’t want to lose all that” I said, finally admitting my fear out loud. 

“Well you would still ruin the friendship either way if you don’t give him a chance because he’ll get tired of chasing and lusting after you and he would eventually stop and move on someday and it will hurt you so much for not trying at all and I know you like him Syd— you always second guess yourself all the time and it isn’t good for you” 

“Urghh! I hate when you’re so right” I groaned while blushing. Ava laughs. “Okay, okay, I’ll give him a chance— but if it doesn’t work out you’re to be blamed” I said to her, pointing a finger accusingly at the air forgetting that she can’t see me.

“I’ll take that chance boo” she cooed playfully. “Oops— I have to go now Syd, call him and please take care of yourself okay?” Ava says hurriedly. They must have noticed her absence at work by now. 

“Okay, love you girl ” I say, hanging up. 

I let myself fall onto the bed from my sitting position, in defeat. I thought for a moment about how my conversation with Drake would go. I kept on playing different scenarios in my head. I was lost in my thoughts when my phone started ringing. I picked it up and on checking the caller ID, it was the man whom I was actively thinking about, I couldn’t help but smile. 

“Hey Beautiful” Drake says sexily as he usually does. That's his pet name for me. I catch myself smiling and blushing whenever he calls me that these past few months. I secretly liked it but I never told him that. 

“Heyy Drake” I replied trying to feign excitement but deep down, I wasn’t feeling anything but sadness and worry– sad because it the whole situation and worried about how he would take the news I’m about to share with him. 

“How is my favorite human doing today” 

“Erm, actually there’s something I want to share with you” I state, straight to the point because I was drained emotionally and was in no mood for pleasantries.

“Oh, what’s wrong Sydney?” He asked worried 

“A lot is going on in my life right now and I’m trying to wrap my head around it, I’m about to ask you for a huge favour” I said. There was a pause on his end and I thought for a second that he was distracted or wasn’t listening to me, then I heard the jingling of keys. 

“Hang on Sydney, I’m coming to you right now. Gimme a couple of minutes, okay?” 

“Okay,” I said blushing extremely hard. I didn’t even ask if he could come over, I didn’t have to ask— he would drop everything to come and comfort me whenever I needed it. I couldn’t stop smiling, he was too good to be true, that’s why I have always been scared to change our friendship dynamic to more than friends. I’m scared I would lose this but I am getting to the point where I can’t ignore my subtle feelings for him anymore. I really want him and I know for sure that he wants me to, so why am I pushing him away? I question myself. At that moment I promised myself to finally accept him. 

I saw him parking his car not too far from my apartment a few minutes after the call. I was so excited and positive that tonight would end in a good way for both of us. I could see Drake stepping down from his car and walking to my doorstep. I couldn’t help but smile as I saw him making his way to my door.

Drake has always been handsome, though not much taller than I am but tall enough for him to bend his head a little to kiss my forehead. He had a lot of girls chasing him in uni but he always rejected them and dreamily chased after me. 

I opened the door before he could knock. “Hey beautiful,” he says, hugging me before I let him in. Seeing my red and puffy eyes, he worriedly asked.

“What’s wrong, beautiful? Have you been crying? What’s going on, Sydney?” He paused, “Does what you wanted to talk to me about have to do with you crying so much?” He asked painfully. 

I spent the next few minutes recounting details of how the doctor’s appointment went. “Oh my God Sydney” he says shockingly after I told him everything. 

“What do you want to do?” He asked me, staring at me affectionately.

“Well, I definitely cannot afford to freeze my eggs. It’s too expensive for me and would affect my finances” I said, then quickly added before he could respond “ I really want to have children of my own, and since I can’t wait that long, I’m thinking of doing it now— would you like to be my sperm donor?” I asked, rushing my words and holding my breath.

“Sperm donor?” Drake asked frowning “What do you mean sperm donor?” He asked with a scowl on his face. 

“Well that’s the only option I can afford now and—”

“Sydney” he called softly “if I’m to come in, in this situation, I don’t want to come in as a sperm donor— how can you ask me that? I want to come in as your baby daddy, as your lover— not a flimsy ‘sperm donor’” he gestured an air quote with his hands irritatedly. On hearing this, my grin was very large and I let out the breath I had been holding.

“Oh really?” I asked my cheeks reddening. 

“Yes Sydney, I have always wanted you for the longest time and now that there’s a chance for us to be more than friends then you ask me to be your sperm donor instead, I don’t like that” he said with a serious expression. 

“I’m sorry Drake, I just didn’t know how you’d respond to the news, I didn’t want to outrightly ask to have your baby, I didn’t know how you’d respond” I said quickly

“Hell yeah I’ll be your sperm donor, I’ll be your baby daddy, I’ll be your lover, anything you want me to be Sydney” he says affectionately, holding my face in his hands. “Even if you didn’t ask me to father your child—which I would absolutely do in a heartbeat— you know I can always help you with anything you need. I can bear the cost of you freezing your eggs if you ever change your mind” he says lovingly and my heart felt warm with affection and gratitude that he would go that far for me. I always knew he was rich but I didn't like asking him for favors that had to do with money.

“Look I know this is not the time for this but I can’t wait anymore. I wanted to wait till tomorrow, that's why I asked to see you and to wear something nice. I wanted to take you to a fancy restaurant and officially ask you to be my girlfriend” he says, smiling sweetly. 

I was filled with so many emotions all at once. I was grinning so hard, my cheeks burning and shining a bright red. 

“Oh Drake” I blurted breathlessly. Emotions are choking my words.

“I want to be your boyfriend first before anything else, your baby daddy, and hopefully someday your husband”. I smiled sweetly and let him bring my face to him until there’s barely any space left. When he brought his lips to mine, I smiled. He kissed me softly and after some minutes I broke the kiss and whispered to him. 

“Yes Drake, I will be your girlfriend” he smiled delightedly. He kissed me passionately, pouring into the kiss all the years of his feelings for me that he had been trying to suppress. I was very shy and not into my feelings as much as Drake was into his because I still found it weird to be intimate with my closest male friend. I suddenly sprang to my feet, breaking the kiss. 

“Drake, I know the plan is to start trying for a kid but can we wait a bit? I need to prepare myself mentally and acknowledge the fact that we’re shifting from friends to something much more” I said to him.

“As much as I love to devour you right now, I have to respect your wishes and follow in your lead, girlfriend,” he said, flirtily. I giggled like a child.

Drake and I went to bed together. I made sure nothing happened. For some reason I can’t explain, my body and heart are refusing to open up fully to Drake. I like him for sure but I don’t know if my feelings for him are passionate enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 

Am I just using him to get what I truly want? I ask myself, deep in thought before he stretched his hands and pulled me into his arms and cuddled me till I fell asleep.