48 Chapters
Coming to Terms
Moans and gasps rang out from Jacob’s computer speakers into the silence of the house. He jumped from his seat to silence the noise. Hopefully, no one had heard. The naked woman on the screen writhed and twisted as she touched herself and looked longingly out of the screen at Jacob. He felt sorry for her since she was trying so hard and getting no response from him. He closed the video. He opened another, this time with a couple, male and female. They adjusted themselves and the man was left completely exposed. Jacob felt himself pressing against his jeans.NO! That’s not right, Jacob admonished himself. He closed the last window and stared at his computer desktop in frustration. He had tried many kinds of personal therapy, including pinching himself while aroused, switching from stimulating images to disgusting ones, and even the age-old thinking about baseball or grandma’s apple pie, but nothing worked. This “perversion,” as his d
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The Secret
“You what?” Jacob froze. He turned to Seth. He could feel his fingers get cold. “Secret? What secret? You don’t even know me.” His heart pounded in his chest as his panic rose. No one can know. His father’s angry shouting at the pulpit on Sundays rang through his mind.“I know why you avoid changing with the team. I know that you aren’t interested in the girls you sleep with. I know--”Jacob was swinging his fist before he realized it. “Shut up!“His knuckle caught Seth in the mouth. His fist came away bloody.“Fuck! What the fuck man?” Seth touched his lip with his hand and looked discouraged by the blood he saw on his fingers. “Jesus, it’s not like I told anyone. Damn. Thanks for confirming though.” He sucked on his split lip and tried to look for somewhere to wipe his hand other than his shirt.“Shit!” Jacob slammed the wall next to
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Event Horizon
“What?” Jacob reflexively touched his face. He was still looking at Seth. Jacob’s heart was speeding up. He was sure Seth would be able to hear it. He could feel his body responding to Seth sitting next to him. All of his skin felt warm. It’s just the alcohol, Jacob thought to himself. He knew it wasn’t. Seth’s lips were pink, and the side where Jacob had split his lip was plump and a little darker.“Maybe you’re just scared. Maybe I make you uncomfortable. Or maybe you have checked me out.” Seth had lowered his face close enough to Jacob that he could feel his breath. It was sweet but carried the sharp edge of the vodka and smoke. The smell of him was intoxicating.Jacob could picture his friends on Monday. He would walk into school and they would know. He could see himself bloodied in the gym. He could see the look of disgust on his father’s face at home as he was thrown
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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
The warm, soft sensation of Seth’s lips against his trailed through Jacob’s memory as he lay in bed Saturday morning. Real lips; not a dream of celebrities, or unbidden fantasy; real lips. It didn’t matter at the moment who's they were, they were real. Jacob’s senses wouldn’t let him forget that. His body responded to his sense memory almost immediately.He threw his arms over his face, trying to dispel the image, trying to shut it out, but it was no use. It had been real.The idea of having to go to school on Monday sent waves of dread through him. He already planned to miss his morning practice; He couldn’t face the guys on the team right now, but he couldn’t justify missing the evening practice as well. Even more so than before, he felt like they would just know by looking at him.And what if Seth hadn’t kept his mouth shut? He said he talked to the girls about this kind of stuff. What if it got out? He didn’t think Seth would do that to him, but the anxiety sti
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Mistakes Were Made
Sarah tasted sweet. Her soft lips against Jacob's felt like velvet and her breath smelled like mint. The first time she had kissed him under the bleachers it had been a whirlwind of a kiss, but this was delicate and reserved. He could feel her smile.Even without sexual attraction, there was something special about a good kiss. This kiss with Sarah was a good kiss. It felt safe and comforting, and like they had been able to create a space for a moment that was just for them, where none of Jacob's other worries could touch them.Sarah put a hand on Jacob's chest and pulled away, biting her lower lip."This is really happening?" Sarah asked, clearly still apprehensive about Jacob's intentions. "I mean, you like me?"Jacob wasn't sure how to respond. He did like her, but probably not in the way she wanted him to. She was sweet and friendly, and more interesting than half the cheer squad. She was intelligent and kind to those who were less popular than her. J
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Have Your Cake...
Jacob asked the first question that came to mind, "What happened to you?""Like you even care," Seth spat back.Jacob bristled at that. He wanted to not care. He thought he didn't care but for some reason Seth's assertion that he didn't stung."Of course, I care!" he retorted."Right, like you're the only person who's allowed to punch me?" Seth's voice dripped with sarcasm."That's not... ugh!" This was not going how Jacob had planned. "That's not what I needed to talk to you about.""What then? I need to go catch my ride," said Seth."I need to make sure you're not going to say anything," Jacob finally said."About what?""About Friday," said Jacob with exasperation."Ah, right. Don't worry, you're secret's safe with me. I won't say anything." Seth looked away, but he finally seemed serious, and perhaps a little disappointed.Jacob visibly relaxed. "Thank God," he said. "I might actually get things to work
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...And Eat It Too
Jacob downed two drinks in the kitchen with Dana before he could get his nerves under control. He didn't plan to get wasted like last weekend, but there was no way he was going to make it through the rest of this party sober."What's got you all frazzled?" asked Dana."It's nothing," said Jacob. "I'm not great with large groups of people.""I know what you mean," said Dana. "Why do you think I'm in the kitchen myself? Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, and I love that people are having fun, but sometimes I just need a break, you know?"Jacob chuckled. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.""It's cool. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone's different," she said with a smile. "You can hide out in the kitchen any time. There's also rooms upstairs. You don't have to be fuckin' to hide out in one."Jacob actually blushed. He knew people knew his reputation, but it wasn't something he spent much time talking about. He realized he had pr
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"You just started dating, it shouldn't be too hard to break things off, especially if you tell her the truth," Seth suggested. "I can't do that!" Jacob lamented. "First, she was so excited. Second, I still don't want anyone else to know. If I break up with her without giving a reason she'll be devastated. I’ll feel like such an asshole.""You are the asshole, remember? You haven't been dating long, how devastated could she be?" "How devastated would you be?" They sat in silence. "Fuck. If I break up with her, how am I going to keep up the charade with the other girls? The only reason they're leaving me alone now is because I'm dating Sarah."Read more
Jacob sat alone in the darkness.    What did he just do? He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as realization began to spread through his brain. He had admitted he liked Seth. He was still dating Sarah. Did that mean he was cheating on Sarah with Seth? Or was he cheating on Seth with Sarah? Seth knew about Sarah, so he supposed it must be Sarah getting the shittiest end of the stick here.    They were using her. Guilt ripped through his chest at the thought. He wasn’t lying when he told her he liked her. He did. She was kind. She didn’t deserve this, but what else could they do? He would have to tell her eventually, but he knew he wouldn’t have the guts to do it yet.    Seth liked him. As much dread as he felt thinking about what all this meant, he had an eq
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Monday morning practice brought relief to Jacob's nerves. He always felt better on the court. This was his place, his purpose. The familiar feel of the bumpy rubber texture in his hands before a free-throw was comforting. He extended his arm and released the ball from his fingertips. It flew through the air and he felt at peace. The ball swished through the net of the basket, not even close to the rim. That was bliss.Practice ended and brought Jacob back to the present. For the first time since he joined, Jacob ended with the rest of the team. He didn't even notice their presence. They were just other guys; it's not like they were Seth. They were different now. The world was segregated into Seth and Not-Seth. Bret noticed Jacob was with them. "Look at you! Not doing overtime today? Finally giving the rest of us a chance to catch up?" It was no secret tha
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