Lahat ng Kabanata ng How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis : Kabanata 71 - Kabanata 80
244 Kabanata
71. Dungeons & Divas
It took a couple of tries before Flossie understood the situation. But once she got it, her response was immediate.“You can fook right off. Ah ain’t fighting no one.”“Now hold on, there,” said Dudley. “You know Colin wouldn’t choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin?” He looked at me with an expression that said, “Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails.” I’m paraphrasing.“Of course,” I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about). I turned back to Raviva. “So, the weapon of choice will be... voices.”Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?“You want to challenge us to a singing competition?” said Raviva. “I love it! There’s nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the
Magbasa pa
72. Gutted
Raviva offered to guide us out of the caves. Which was great, seeing as how we had no idea of the real layout of the place, but it was hard not to be suspicious of his motives. With trolls, you could never tell what was for real and what was the next hilarious prank. When Jespert had warned us about trolls having terrible sense of humour, he hadn’t been kidding.We set off with Raviva at the front and a couple of trolls bringing up the rear. Kaceyton also accompanied us, chatting with Flossie about favourite songs and swapping dance moves. They had become quite good friends, which could prove to be useful later. Or it could be our downfall. Paranoid? You betcha. Not until we were back in the outside world did I intend to let my guard down.“It’s been some time since we had such an intense match,” said Raviva as he led us through a maze of tunnels. “Shame we couldn’t keep going,” he leaned towards me, which made me flinch, and whispered loud enough to give my hair a new pa
Magbasa pa
73. Sunny Side Up
First off, I want to make it clear the reason I fainted wasn’t the blood. I was used to guts and entrails and all the viscera that came with preparing freshly killed animals, so a little blood was no big whoop.Healing Mandy had taken quite a lot out of me. I wasn’t sure how magic worked, but there was clearly a cost. Maybe I had even sacrificed part of my life force to save her. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time Mandy had sucked the life out of a guy.I came round to see Claire leaning over me. It was getting to be a bit of a habit.“How long was I out?” I’d always wanted to say that.“A few minutes. Are you alright?” She sounded less concerned than last time, so I assumed I was going to be okay.“I’m fine. Just exhausted.”“You didn’t answer my question,” said Mandy. She was standing with her arms crossed and a defiant look on her face.“Yes, you’re right.” I shakily got to my feet. “Here’s your answer — shut the fuck up. I don’t know
Magbasa pa
74. Welcome To Dargot
Mandy ran towards Sonny who jumped down from his horse and embraced her. Also watching this reunion were a dozen or so soldiers on horseback. They were covered in dust and grime but that did nothing to hide the air of menace they exuded. The only thing worse than a vicious thug is a vicious thug in uniform.Each was built like brick shit-house and had the face of man who would kill you if he could be bothered, so probably best not to bother him.“You guys know Sonny,” I said to Jenny.“Yes. We met him in Fengarad. He was close with Tin and Dag.”Great.“Not a big fan?” asked Jenny.As Sonny and Mandy excitedly exchanged words, his face transformed from delight to shock to sadness. Mandy pointed over to us, and then Sonny’s face took on a whole new visage. I guess you could call it fury.“Not exactly. By the way, I’m kicking you out of the group. If Sonny asks, we just escorted you here.”“No,” said Jenny. “I’m with you guys.” She
Magbasa pa
75. Dinner With The Devil
“I should probably introduce myself,” said the small and frightening man. “I am Gullen Santan, Administrator in charge of Road Maintenance and Planning. A general dogsbody, if you will, to Her Highness Queen Zarigold. But please, call me Gullen.”He made it sound like he had a lowly clerical position operating out of some back office. I didn’t believe it for a second.He raised his hand high over his head a twirled a finger. A large carriage pulled by four horses came thundering out of the gates towards us. The driver appeared to be a child in a black velvet coat and a top hat.“All aboard,” said Gullen Santan cheerfully. “Tomorrow you can explore the city and find yourselves suitable accommodations and whatnot, but for tonight, at least, you will be my guests. The best food, the softest beds and a hot bath. Chop, chop.”He held open the carriage door and we all filed in. Possibly to our deaths, but he made it all sound so appealing none of us would have car
Magbasa pa
76. No Deal Or Deal
Despite the casual and friendly way the offer had been made, I was under no illusions as to what would happen if I said no to working for Gullen Santan, Road Planner.“What about the others?” I asked him.“I’m sure we could find them something to do in Dargot. Or, they could carry on their adventures without you. It’s a big world with lots of interesting things in it.”Yeah, that could kill you. But I could see them all settling down. Maurice opening a small bicycle shop. Dudley and Flossie running a karaoke bar. None of them bothering me anymore. It could be quite nice.Biadet placed a small bowl of creme brulee on the table and narrowed her eyes like a gunfighter. I leaned back and let her take the first bite.“Under normal circumstances, I would encourage you to roam around a bit, too, but these are troubled times, I’m afraid,” said Gullen. “As you know, Fengarad is under siege at the moment. The lizardman are encamped on their doorstep with more a
Magbasa pa
77. A Word Of Warning
“Come on, mate,” said Sonny. “I’m trying to extend an olive branch here. We’re all friends now, right guys?”Everyone looked at each other, then they all looked away from each other, probably trying to get their vision to focus.“That’s because they’re a bunch of idiots.” The atmosphere went from lukewarm to frosty. “You, on the other hand, are a scumbag. You always will be. Just stay away from me.”The smart thing would have been to accept the olive branch and pretend to get along with him so that the next time we met he wouldn’t try to kill me, but fuck that.“Fine,” said Sonny bitterly. He slammed down his wine glass. “Come on, Mandy. Let’s go.”Mandy stood up, wobbling. “Sonny has invited me to stay with him, so I’ll be leaving you in Colin’s safe hands.” She winked at me. “I know you’ll all miss me, but try your best to keep going. Happy adventures!” She raised a full glass of wine and downed it in one.I walked over to her and grabbed her
Magbasa pa
78. Trouble In The City
The following morning everyone had a terrible hangover. Apart from me, of course. They emerged from their rooms wincing and coloured various shades of green.Gullen hadn’t reappeared since he rushed off the previous night, but Biadet was there to guide us to yet another dining room where we were served breakfast. I ravenously stuffed my face. The others nibbled a little toast.“You should try these sausages.” I waved my fork under their noses. “Not sure what kind of meat it is, but it tastes great. So juicy and succulent.” I stuck it in my mouth and chewed sloppily. “Mmm, yum. Look.”Flossie and Maurice both rushed off to the bathroom while Claire refused to look in the direction of my open mouth. Dudley was the only one to match me bite for bite, tucking into his plate loaded with a bit of everything.“Oh, I say. That’s a little bit better.”Either he had a remarkable constitution, or he had abstained from drinking too much to make sure Flossie was o
Magbasa pa
79. Kizwat’s Silver Hammer
“I’m not going to kill anyone, Kizwat,” I said loud enough for everyone to hear. “Let’s go.”I shoved him towards the door.“Wait,” said the largest of the large men. He wore a leather vest with nothing underneath it and he had a mullet. That should tell you all you need to know. “What relation are you to this man?”He positioned himself between us and the exit. He wasn’t the type you could easily knock aside. Did I mention his size? Big. Very big.“What’s it got to do with you?” I decided to go on the offensive. “Are you a gossiping old lady? Stick your nose in other people’s business so you can tell the girls about it later?” I looked past him at the men standing behind. “I bet he’s a terrible nag as well. Do this, do that. You’re not doing it right. Why haven’t you finished yet? You know what I’m talking about, right?” I pointed at the short fat one at the back. “That’s why you’re nodding.”Mullet-man spun around, his glorious mane swishing through
Magbasa pa
80. The Flossie Show
Flossie walked across the room like she was in a trance. She seemed to know where she was going, though. We all watched her, curious to see what had possessed her to walk away from the security of our little group.She made a beeline for the young man playing the lute. She stopped in front of him, her head bobbing along to the terrible ‘hey nonny nonny’ tune he was plucking.The guy smiled at her and carried on.He threw a couple of curious looks her way as she continued to stand right in front of him.He hit a couple of bum notes, starting to get nervous about the weird girl eyeballing him from two feet away. He’d probably never had a groupie before.But it turned out Flossie had something other than getting his autograph in mind. When he finally came to the end of his jaunty little ditty, she moved in closer and started speaking with him. Or at him. She was very animated; he was very frightened.He looked confused at first, but after a bit he
Magbasa pa
PREV
1
...
678910
...
25
DMCA.com Protection Status